.

Always Britt

Think. Write. Save a life

Chandler, United States

Hello beautiful world! I am Britt and my pen name is Always Britt. I am a thirty three year old mom to three , a wife to my best friend of 15 years, and a writer. I am not an actual author and I don't have any rewards or books out there but I am simply the author of my life. Writing has always been a way for me to cope with the stressors of everyday life. I have grown to be very interested in getting my poetry and work out there for people to see which is normally not the case for me. I am a little shy and don't allow too many people to read anything of mine.. Its a road I haven't explored and I feel like I should expand my horizons. My highest achievements are my three kids and surviving the battles of addiction, dealing with a lot of loss, being suicidal, and the constant struggle of having no self confidence and no self love. I have dealt with my share of heartbreak and trauma at such a young age. It then drove me into a serious depression and I became suicidal. I got into drugs shortly after that as a way to cope. since I have been sober, I am learning that I truly have an interest and passion for wanting to help others who may be struggling with the same or even similar problems as me. I understand the way the addict mind works from a personal level. I understand what it feels like to be in stuck in a never-ending routine that leads to nowhere. I relate and empathize with a lot of peoples struggles and sometimes we have to have the bad in common in order to understand each other. Sometimes what you need is a person who understands and not a person who reacts and takes it personal. I just want to write about my battles so that hopefully I can make someone realize they don't have to continue down that road . I hope to save somebody's life one day . That would be the greatest achievement I could ever accomplish and I would be able to say I completed my life goal.

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The coronavirus and my kids

Apr 12, 2020 2 years ago

"Mommy why can't we go to the store?" "Mommy why can't we go shopping?" "Mommy why can't we have our birthday parties like we usually do?" I have been trying to explain to my kids about this coronavirus that has taken over the world,but trying to do so in a way that won't scare them. I want them to know the seriousness of what's going on but I don't want them to end up having nightmares or being deathly afraid of going outside for any reason. Its very difficult to do so when I am scared myself. I sit here in my house thinking about how much things have changed and what that means for our future. I suffer anxiety and depression normally so now it can get pretty bad. My kids are ages 12, 7 and my little one is gonna be 3 in a couple weeks. My son who is a sixth grader now is suppose to be graduating elementary and starting Junior high in the fall. His friends may or may not go to his school and I feel so bad that he's not having the fun he normally would be having come this time of the year. His friends birthday parties and school has been all canceled and I know he thinks about it. My daughter Ciara had a birthday in March which we didn't have a party for her though it was planned. We canceled as the virus keeps getting worse and worse. She says she understands but I don't know if she really understands any of it. I feel so bad that her birthday wasn't filled with friends and presents and just being connected to everybody. But I did tell her we owe her a lot. We got her a couple toys and games for her Nintendo switch and I made her a cake. We celebrated here at home but it wasn't the same. My little one turns 3 in a couple weeks and I am gonna have to do the same thing for Charli as I did for CIara. A little 3 year old doesn't really pay attention to news and the only thing she is worried about is if her tablet is dead or not. We will get her a few things to unwrap and I will make her a cake. I don't have anymore ideas of what we can do for fun. We have played board games, painted, played with playdough and clay and sand, and colored with crayons and markers. We have taught our daughter how to ride her bike and we have spent a lot of time out back and in the front. We chalk it out in the driveway with the 48 different colors of chalk we got from Michaels. We have done the jewelry making with pretty beads and that only keeps them interested so long. We have had so many conversations about life and our dreams and what we want out of life. I just hope we can celebrate things like we used to when all this calms down but when is it going to calm down? Here I am stressing about simple birthdays and social gatherings for my kids when the world is quickly getting farther and farther from us ever getting better. I am so troubled by how many deaths we have had. I am deeply appreciative for those nurses and doctors who have put their lives on the line trying to save people when it's highly contagious. I think they are so brave and we need more people like that in the world. I worry so much how this world is changing. I worry about if someone sneezes in public and if people will even say bless you. I worry if this whole social distancing is going to distant everyone permanently. I worry that from this moment on our normal lives are going to be completely different than what we are used to. One thing that is different is doing the home school part. It's more work for the parents than anything else and I don't even understand it .Im over here googling closed syllables and digraphs and blends while I'm trying to help my daughter with her school assignments. It's been very interesting though and if you have a kid like mine who doesn't sit still , it can be frustrating. But I do hope that this world gets better and stays better. REst in peace to all the ones we have sadly lost and good job to all the nurses and doctors who are trying to save them. With a dumb nut president it's hard for the United States to improve anywhere. This guy is insane with how he is handling all of this. But here I am going off the subject of my kids and this coronavirus. I can only hope and have faith in the American people to stay home and save lives. Don't wait until someone you know or even yourself to get sick for you to take this serious. This is very serious and please think about helping this world not making it worse. The coronavirus can affect anyone and everyone. Its winning this war we are in and what do we do about it? I tell my kids that all we can do is stay home and keep people healthy and wash our hands and social distancing. I have a conversation jar that we draw from every night at dinner. We have had so many different questions some serious some not and some just about imagination. My son had drawn from the jar and his question what if you could come up with an invention what would it be... my son looks down at his plate and he looks up and he said a cure. I thought that was the sweetest thing for him to say.

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Broken glass

Mar 08, 2020 2 years ago

You saw me and I sparkled like diamonds You'd soon realize I was nothing but broken glass Knowing you'd bleed you stayed anyways Telling me I shined through the cracks Words like falling and love would slip through your mouth and I would end up running You would be left to bleed on your own as every road I chose cut us even deeper We struggled to keep winning You soon realized I was fighting a battle you knew nothing about You ended up staying anyways You looked at me with my messy long hair blowing in the wind and my dirty old red Converse shoes that were falling apart You called me beautiful like it was the easiest thing to say You looked me in the eye and saw me for me but the thick cloud of smoke I surrounded myself with was wearing our love down Your patience grew thin and your anger grew tall but you never chose to give up on me You learned the paths and roads of addiction I would soon be me in a couple days when it would wear off But then as time went on, it never wore off. I couldnt stop After running away for the umpteenth time I came back and you wanted to help me Knowing you couldn't save me and that I was permanently broken you wanted to support me through my battle You wanted to be there at the finish line You always believed in me. as the cloud of smoke finally and completely disappears its only you standing there waiting for me luckily not one single cut left a scar Every cut healed beautifully as I shined through my cracks I never needed to be saved or fixed I needed someone to love me just as is and accept me for me That person ended up being only you I finally found someone who knows me you took the time to understand and you stayed only you and always you We finally made it to cupcakes and rainbows and now as I sparkle like diamonds, while knowing i am only broken glass deep down inside I finally smile because I sparkle just the same and it's all because you stayed . only you and always you

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Putting the Blame on Me

Mar 07, 2020 2 years ago

Heartbreaks are just awful in general but my first heartbreak was where I lost everyone I loved. This heartbreak would teach me that even my own family will be the cause of my first and worst heartbreak. They would be the ones that I needed to be protected from. I was a bit naive and never dealt with anyone lying to me. At 16 years old, I lost my family which consists of my 4 girl cousins , my best friend Jenna , and my boyfriend Jose. My cousin Denise, who started doing drugs at the time, thought that she could blame it all on me. I heard she said things like I bossed her around and made her do all these horrible things like stealing cars, stealing money and I made her sneak out of the house all the time. I couldn't believe what was going on because first off I had no idea what the drug was at that point and I didn't even know she was doing drugs. But it would explain the pure evil I saw in her eyes. She couldn't stop lying and honestly I think after a while she believed her own lies.She kept the lies going with not even caring what this was doing to our family and most of all to me. My other 3 cousins never came and questioned me about it and just chose to forget me. With so many lies and gossip pointing the blame in my direction, they just assumed and believed her. They altogether stopped any contact with me for years. I'm talking about my group of girl cousins who I grew up with. They were there for every birthday, every holiday, every summer, and every weekend to hang out and have sleepovers. SInce we were babies, we have always been inseparable. Their parents stopped any contact with my parents. I was not expecting my cousin to ever do this to me. Next in line, I lost my best friend Jenna who went to school with me. My cousin met her through me and got her doing drugs as well. Once again my cousin and Jenna blamed everything on me so they could still hang out and get high together. In front of our parents, they told everyone that it was me with the drug problem. I broke down begging Jenna to come out with the truth. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even talk. I just remember looking at both these girls who I loved more than anything and saw they didn't even care. They showed no emotion whatsoever as I poured my heart out to them. I was even apologizing for their own mistakes. I was trying to crack one of them but they let me leave Jenna's house that night so heartbroken. I was just devastated. Luckily my parents at least believed me, but I still felt so defeated. Last person I lost was my boyfriend which was my first boyfriend that I ever loved and lost my virginity to. We had been going out for about 8 or 9 months and he broke up with me at the same time this whole drama thing is going on with my cousin and Jenna. I find out months later that he was sleeping with my cousin and doing drugs with her while we were still together. My cousin destroyed my life overnight and I knew I was never gonna be the same. After that, I didn't leave my bedroom and I stayed in bed. I felt pathetic and just worthless. It changed my whole personality and changed my whole life. I turned to drugs months later and I really didn't care what was being said after that. I was already known for being a drug addict. I was not responsible enough to make a good decision on how to deal with the pain. I only blame myself for that though. The pain wasn't my fault. That was out of my control. But the struggle was what I am to blame for. I let so many people affect me. I let them all hold the power to my happiness which wasn't healthy. I think it's safe to say I loved them too much. I learned that forgiving those who never apologized or even acknowledged what they did to me is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It's been 17 years since this happened and I should be over it right? With this being my family that did this to me , I still see them on holidays and sometimes for birthdays. We act as if nothing had ever happened. I just know if we were to talk about it, the conversation will never gonna go the way I want it to go. I have to keep it bottled in and act like I don't think about it everyday. My cousin is sober now and actually did 5 or 6 years in prison. She has still, to this day, never admitted anything to me about anything. I feel like she totally took advantage of who I was. She knew I wasn't gonna snitch on her and she knew I wouldn't bring anything up and confront her about it. She played her game with all her lies and she knew I loved her so much that I wouldn't blow her cover. Maybe it's my fault I didn't object but my words meant nothing to anyone. You want to know the worst thing about pain? It's only yours. People won't understand your pain. Even the ones that have caused it may not even realize it. Other people will tell you to get over it and tell you to just move on. My cousin may be able to forget what she did to me but I will never be able to forget. More than anything, I wish I could.

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