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The Distance Of Regret
Oct 11, 2018 5 years ago916.5 miles 13 hours 798 minutes 47,880 seconds. Thinking about it is as if my mind has transformed into An effulgent allusion. A scene of the serene tides climbing back and falling off the shores that nestle into the vast, bottomless abyss of blue. My eyes grow lachrymose, and become victim to the overwhelming moisture That falls down my cheeks, that makes my lips tremble. My hands shake, turning ivory as I grip only air. My heart stops, as I breathe only to keep myself alive… But am I? If this is life, then why should I want anything to do with it? I blame myself, fore I went too far, you needed me there, and all I had to do was get in a car. All I had to do was put everything down, come straight to you, leave town. But I didn't, because revenge doomed me, when I thought about you only thoughts of pain consumed me. When I thought of you, my mind went black, I let you down, just as you did to me, and I thought I would be okay with that. But as of now, I can only feel regret, because at 5:13 am when your heat beat grew slow, when your mind shut down, and when your soul flew away All I had to do was travel 916.5 miles 13 hours 798 minutes 47,880 seconds. But I didn't, and you were all alone. And your last few thoughts, to me, are unknown. But when the clock striked 5:13 am. And I wasn't there… I can only imagine how much you thought That I didn't care...
To love is to forgive
Oct 11, 2018 5 years agoI was 7 years old when I remember my mom first leaving me. I suppose you could've considered me naive. I always thought she intended on coming back. One night, we were hanging out in the living room, watching her favorite; Keeping up with the Kardashians. (Not my taste). The oven was heating up some bagel bites and it rang, indicating they were done. My mom told me to stay put and she'd be back down. So I waited. After a couple minutes I went upstairs and she was sitting at the table, phone in hand, looking distraught. When she saw me she immediately hung up. She asked me if i wanted a coke, I said yes, and she told me she'd be right back. She left into the garage to fetch it. I waited and waited for what felt like forever but finally my patience wore thin. I walked into the kitchen and opened the door to the garage where we kept a fridge full of soda and found the main garage door open into the dark night and my mom no where to be seen. That is my first recollection of my mom leaving me. Throughout my life she would come in and out, always in spurts and never for long. Drugs controlled her life. It got to the point where when she'd stay the night I'd hold her hand so that I would wake up if she went to leave while I slept. Fast forward to when I was about 12. I found out my mom was dying of a liver disease; a rare one. It had been a couple years since I heard from her. She got into contact with my dad, and from then we scheduled calls. I kept up with her as much as my 7th grade mind could. I didn't really comprehend exactly what was happening. 8th grade. By this time my mom was in hospice. Her disease was beyond repair. With her not staying sober, she couldn't be placed on the donor wait list for a liver. On the night of April 31st 2014 my mom died. I was... devastated. I had gotten home from church and my dad called me into the room. He told me and my brother she wasn't going to make it through the night. I remember picking up the phone, and she could barely speak. I said; "Mom... I love you. I miss you. And I forgive you." And just above a whisper. So soft you could barely hear, "I love you." She said. We hung up the phone and my heart died. My life, as I knew it, would never be the same. I would never see my mom at Christmas again. She wouldn't see me dress up for prom. She wouldn't see me graduate. She wouldn't see me walk down the aisle. Now I am 17 years old. It's been almost 4 years and I still hear her last words to me as clear as when she spoke them. I love her. I forgive her. And we both are free.
