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Breath of Hope
Feb 15, 2019 5 years agoSouthern Virginia, circa summer 2016. Beautiful warm days mixed in with just the right amount of extremely hot days to make the summer perfect. Long days merge to short nights, each day better than the last. In the town of Danville, Virginia, at Averett University, a Christian summer camp takes place. Campers spend their days studying the Bible, their afternoons working on mission sites, and their nights partying in worship. A small youth group from the next county over, Halifax, spends the week as they usually do: having the time of their lives. They spend their time bonding over the time they get to spend together and with God. In July 2016, my youth group spent a week in Danville doing mission work for Passport Missions, a camp dedicated to bringing teens closer to Christ. Christian teenagers spending a week dedicated to the worship of God. I, however, was an anomaly. At the time, I was a devoted atheist. The God I had known my entire life had abandoned me, left me to the wolf, Satan. He had let me fall away from Him. The question permanently on my mind was “How could God, the creator of the universe, the lover of all, the Father and Hope of my so-called Christian life, have abandoned me?” I blamed Him for my depression, for my anxiety, for everything that was wrong with me. Hatred coursed through my veins as if it were my blood, anger taking the prime seat in my temporal lobe. Three years later, I have grown to understand why God had put me in that camp, no matter how much I didn't want to be there. He knew I needed a push, something to bring me to the edge and push me so close to Him I could never not put everything in Him again. This push would show me that He had me, and wouldn't be letting go anytime soon. The last night of worship, I was a mess. It had been hard to be surrounded by good Christians all week, a perfect model of what I should have been. Of what I could have been. These people were so filled with love and patience, and I had none of it. I wanted it all, but something was holding me back. The only thing in the world I wanted was to be loved, and God had offered but I hadn't accepted. Silently, I started crying and praying. Mutters of helplessness came from me, tears flowing like never before. I asked God for everything. I needed something, even the smallest thing in the world, to show me His love. Three years later, and I still don't even know if this really happened. I don't know if the Spirit has convinced me that it did, or if my mind played tricks on me to push me that last step of the way. But in my heart, in my soul, deep down I know what happened. I was seated on the far left of the auditorium where they held worship, no one to my left but the wall. Through my tears and prayers, I felt a weight on my left shoulder. Where no one was standing. At that moment, God Himself had touched my human body, as if to tell me, “Look up, kid. I've got you. As I said, my brain wasn't sure what it was. But my heart and soul knew. God had spoken to me. He knew me and wanted me to know that everything was going to be alright. He spoke right to my soul and said, “Be still and know that I am God.” My youth leader had made her way over to me when she saw me crying. She held on to me and let me cry on her shoulder. She didn't know that I wasn't sad or upset, but happy. She comforted me and held me and treated me like her own child. I'll never be able to put how much my youth group means to me in words. Those people mean more than the world to me. We've been through a lot together, and I love them with everything I have. One thing has changed tremendously throughout the years for me: my love, hope, and faith in God. I've been through a lot in sixteen years of life, but that not only has made me stronger but has grown my faith to levels I didn't think was possible. I'm planning a future in ministry, hoping to one day become a preacher or a missionary. This all started because of my lack of faith but has left me with so much more. I thank Him every day that I got the chance to redeem myself, that one day I will get the chance to say these things to Him in person, that one day I will lay everything at His feet and live in the Promised Land. “Throw your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you. He will never allow the godly to be upended.” Psalms 55:22 NET.
