Leonie Tesorero

Thoughts and coffee make me happy

Ottawa , Canada

My biopage exists to explore the world of writing, creativity and to meet new people. I have a bachelor's degree in nursing and I currently work full time as a registered nurse. But, the mind is such a fickle thing and mine holds a deep cavern of unexplored thoughts, emotions and experiences. I've been writing creatively on and off since my adolescence but picked up my writing pen again when the COVID-19 pandemic began.

I derive inspiration from the human experience, from beliefs and values that people hold dear. I seek to explore our differences and identify our commonalities. This realm of thought is endless and I hope to share these musings with you as I recommence my writing journey.

Thanks for joining the ride!


Let me start by saying that 2020 has been crazy year thus far. Before I knew how the year would unfold, I interviewed for a flight nursing position that would be the start of an amazing adventure. I submitted my resume for this job late 2019 when my provincial government announced they were planning to lay off registered nurses. Although healthcare in my province took, what i perceive to be, a foreboding shift, it was a great catalyst for personal change. You see, I've had this air ambulance company in mind for years. I heard about them from a nurse I worked with while in nursing school. I've kept this company in mind since then, periodically checking their website once every few months, debating whether I should apply. I submitted my application to a few places with the belief that this air ambulance company would be the least likely to respond but a few weeks later I received an email from my future manager about an interview. Once I got the interview. I was confident that I would get the position not because of my resume but because I rehearse for interviews like they're American Idol auditions. Although, I talk about this process rather platonically it was the complete opposite. You would expect, that once I got this position that I would be screaming for joy but then I started to think ‘what the heck?” My feelings ranged from self-doubt, to fear and confusion. Happiness, accomplishment, and excitement took less than 10% of my emotional space. Let me break this down for you. You've got a nurse who has been on the job for about three years and has spent most of that time on a nursing floor and away from critical care areas. I knew enough about the job to know that I would be handling patients potentially on the brink of death. I continued to feel that this position was out of my league but I think we've all been there and you can choose to break yourself out of this perpetual cycle of self-doubt or not. I chose the former. I told myself ‘so what?' If I make a mistake, I get back up again and learn. Failure has such a negative connotation but it really isn't because everyone stumbles; the trick is refusing to let your failures define you. You know how this ends, I got the job and was off to training. When people ask me how training went, I say 'imagine a ballot box being stuffed to the brink with papers and then a bomb exploding in it.' Yah, that ballot box was my brain. I think you get the sense that it was difficult but I completed training with this great sense of accomplishment. I felt exponentially more prepared to deal with a plethora of medical concerns. Although, I did feel mentally prepared, this did not erase my self-doubt, fear and uncertainty. I again headed to the internet and tried to equip myself with as much knowledge as possible, watched videos on electrocardiograms, looked up different sources of medical protocols for different conditions, watched videos on all the drugs that I have not yet encountered. I moseyed along these past few months in this new position with that curious, can-do attitude and most of the patients I've had the pleasure of caring for were relatively ‘alright.' When I say ‘alright', something was undeniably, medically wrong with them but they were at little risk of dying on the plane. Things were relatively tamed, for which I was thankful for. I had some time to get my feet planted on the ground before crazy things happened. Until earlier this month, when my colleague and I dealt with a situation in which my patient was, forgive me if I'm saying this too nonchalantly, actively trying to die. They were already on a standard medication called norepinephrine which is meant to squeeze blood vessels and essentially raise blood pressure. I just had to keep increasing the dose of this medication and giving intravenous fluids because her blood pressure just kept dropping, to the point where I worried about perfusion to her brain. To top it all off, we weren't even sure if we would be able to land because the weather was terrible. The most likely outcome being that I would probably be stuck with this patient for at least another two hours without the support of a hospital. This uncertainty lasted about 15 minutes until our pilots made another attempt to land and were successful in doing so. Tensions were high but she made it to the hospital alive. For that, I gave myself a pat on the back and then thought about ten things I could have done better. Although I think my job is super cool, I'm telling this story not to show-it off but to inspire. I'm as ordinary of a nurse as they come, riddled with personal and professional self-doubts and, honestly, nothing is wrong with that. Sometimes questioning your knowledge and seeking new answers serves to make patient care even safer. Personally, when faced with life-changing decisions and imagining to life the worst possible outcomes, you need to say to yourself “so what?”

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