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nessa.foster

Mess Of Ness

Middletown , American Samoa

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Father of all things

Oct 15, 2019 9 months ago

You are the tree in the yard just like the one when I was little You are the clocks ticking from the alarms we brought with us You are the cement on the sidewalk we carved our names into You are the photo in my memory box upstairs You are the dark due to non-belief in nightlights You are the monster under the bed that wont let me hang my leg from the side of it You are the figurine in my room you gave to me as a young child You are the blanket you won for me at the carnival You are the gifted shoes I never wear since it came from your very own self You are father of all things.. Except for the father of me. Most importantly you are the shadow that follows me I am scared of it and why it is apart of me But just like the past it's always behind me And never where I want to go I keep moving forward without a father but a father of all things It will always be there, and it will always be apart of me It will not be my future or present but nearly a dark part of myself that once existed before and shaped me into who I became Although you may be a father to all these things, you were never one to me.

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Bring Yourself To You

Oct 10, 2019 10 months ago

(This article may be triggering: caution) Nothing hurts more than a lost parent who is still physically here. In my eyes either feared or loved. I hated you but loved the idea of you. You were abusive and a helpless narcisisst. I never understood as a child how much pain you really brought until the flashbacks kicked in. Suicide attempts leaked in my mind at the age of 6. As a kid, i wanted to believe the person you were when you built me forts was who you truly were. That's the part of you that you lost, it was barely there when i was a kid, and as i grew, it faded more and more. It faded until it drifted into an abyss. It's going further and further deeper into the abyss. Mom, me and my brothers left you, I am sorry, but I wish you were sorry you led us to that. I could'nt bring myself to contact you in any way for years. Finally one day I wrote you a letter saying if you would get help i would want to see you again. I said you could only make me happy if you were happy. I know you have a troubled past, though the pain hurt, I didn't want you to feel that hurt. You refused and justified your actions, blaming me or saying my mother intoxicated my brain. Where did you go? I need the real you back, throw a rope into the abyss and save yourself please.. before its too late. I love you and need you on earth to get better. I need you back. You refused. I tried to text you again. Same thing, wanting you to apoligize of at least get help. Refused.. again. I miss you. I miss the idea of a father. Not a father figure, a father, my father. You are lost, and you dont want to save yourself. Having a father with no empathy, sympathy, nothing.. but narcissism. Please, Dad, Come back to yourself and see me again. I need you, the real you back.

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