The Game of Life (my version)

There's a moment in your life where you just feel empty. Everything just becomes a game, and the end doesn't seem worth it. In the game of life, there are distractions, but one thing never makes you want to quit. But yet, here I am. When I was little, my mom started her journey to find love. Not the “love” that my father had disguised himself with when they got married, but true love that would last until she did. She got remarried, but I don't believe that this is the end. Barry is malicious, manipulative, and quite frankly, he is downright despicable. I haven't liked him since the second he opened his mouth when we first met. Any of the other guys she dated never made me want to vomit everywhere. Never. But who's to say that she will leave him? I told her that it wasn't ok but she thought I wasn't serious. She knew damn well that I hated him, but just thought I was kidding. No, it wasn't ok with me for her to marry a terrible human. But yeah, I was kidding. He lives with us, but fortunately, works late, so I rarely have to see him on the weekdays. But two days a week, he doesn't work and my mom thinks that forcing the “family” to spend time together will repair our relationship. I really don't think that I will ever be able to accept him into our 3 person family. Numb. It's how I feel about everything. I mean sure I pretend like it's all perfect around them. But that's because I am scared. Scared of rejection. If I tell them how I feel, he could hurt me, or even worse my mom could reject everything, just like she ignored my multiple warnings. But hey, if she would rather live her life being miserable because of a terrible person then that's her choice. But why does it hurt so much? I want it all to end. Everything. But it won't. Maybe if I just say that I'm sick all the time I won't be forced to “enjoy” the family. Or our so-called family. My mom's entire side of the family doesn't like him. But she didn't listen to her mother, just like she disregarded anything her own daughter had to say. The same daughter that she said was her first priority in life. Until he showed up. I try to brush it all off, but sometimes I end up breaking. I can not even go places anymore because of the pure hatred and numbness I feel. I stress myself out too much about seeming perfectly fine, until I feel the food I didn't eat coming back up. Then I feel sick, tell them, we turn back around. I have days where I can pretend I am ok, and the ones where all I can do is pretend i'm sick. “I don't feel good,” is the most used lie, at least in my world. Today, I wanted to just scream. Scream out of pain, out of hopelessness. But I couldn't. That lets them into my world. My world is suffering, it's close to its end. The people there would rather die than live another second. But the door to death is held shut by the one happy thing in my life; my best friend. High school is rough. Teenagers are the worst thing to exist on this planet, especially teenage girls. They enjoy watching other people slowly start to hate themselves more and more everyday. Because of what they have done. “Friends” start fires and watch others go down in flames. I'm not gonna lie, I have wanted it all to be over after I was left with what seemed like nothing. But from that emerged an old friendship I missed so much, and was grateful for it back in my life. Tears stream down my face behind closed doors. Because the end seems worlds away. I will always have to live with a man that hate doesn't even come close to the resentment I feel towards him. The last thing I would like to do is go back to school in the fall. But like everything else, my mom ignored my pleas for help. I am not strong enough to survive another year in a whirlpool of drama, constantly making me question my worth. If I had the option, I would move, or completely disappear from the world. I don't have a plan for the future anyways, so according to my mom's husband, I am just deadweight to society. I want to run away from home. It isn't safe for me there. I would rather be anywhere else but in a house where I question the value of my life everyday, and why I am even still around, all because of one person, and the other who he decided to ruin. It's not healthy for a fifteen year old girl to cry herself to sleep every night. But nothing is going to change, so why waste my time? Nothing will change, so why use my voice? Nothing will change, so why should I try? Nothing will change, so why bother? Nothing will change, so why not disappear?

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