A Bittersweet Letter For My "Sherlock"

To the dearest person that I dedicate this letter to,   When I found you, I was lost and captivated by the thought of someone loving me completely besides my family. I was so caught up in my dreams that I excessively forgot what you might have in your mind, your expectations, your thoughts and else. I was ready, I was fully ready to open my heart to someone which I thought might be a good idea cause you were so perfect to me. Even though we haven't met face to face, I could feel your messages were genuinely kind and caring and helpful. You really cared about me at some point. Maybe you still do. So I figured that, maybe yeah, this guy can fix all my problems and make me the person who I want to be hopelessly, can treat me well, love me without conditions, make me happy no matter what. I believed in such a romantic scenario and I really wanted to make it happen so I took a risk. I told you everything. Everything from the bottom of my heart, how you made me feel and how I loved it, how I told about you to my friends and said that you were so wonderful which they all agreed. You were that guy girls would love to spend time with, even to date with. I wanted you although there were lots of impossibilities and nonsense and it would definitely be more mindful to act the opposite way-giving up on you and moving on-.   I -for once in my life- told someone I liked him. You were that person. You were shocked and were in disbelief somehow. The funny part is that you flirted me all the way long and got me to the point which I thought it was a mutual feeling. I thought you were going to jump on the idea of being with me, that you were going to take a risk and even though you failed at your former relationships, I thought you were going to try a new one. With me.   Well, I was wrong. I misunderstood all the signals or maybe I didn't, but you were too scared to be with me. You weren't ready when I was ready. You weren't honest with me when I was honest with you. But I don't blame you for running away, I only blame myself for getting too much into this mess. I blame myself for what I did and wish I could turn back time and took all I've said. You were happy though. You were happy because I shared what I felt. You didn't understand me, not even a bit. You were still kind and I'm never ever taking that for granted no matter what happened, you still are a really nice guy. I just wish you were a bit more open to me.   You made excuses. You said you don't see yourself anywhere in near future, that you may mistreat me, also you said your girlfriends cheated on you, that you are not the type of guy to be in relationships and all the other things that completely irrelevant from the situation we were in. You tried to make me believe in some nonsense of how good I am for you. You were so typical, so predictable, I hated it. I hated I was the only one trying to achieve some things. I hated you were scared and even though you said you didn't wanna lose me, you lost me with your words.   I hated I liked you but you didn't like me enough.   Now, my only wish for you is to find your way. This way doesn't include me and it's okay. You know I'm done already. I wish you all the good things in life and hope you become more brave in future and it would be great if you tell all the things in your mind directly to people instead of waiting for them to come to you. You have some goals but you need some confidence if you want to achieve them. That's all I can say. Oh and also, sorry for assuming you as some kind of hero? You were not even close to that. You were just a dear friend whom I spent my time chatting. You made me realize how strong and capable I am, that I'm the only person who can make myself feel better about myself. At the end of the day, I cried but I was free. I freed myself. I let go of everything. My look, my hair, my height, my face, my smile, my feelings, my body, my insecurities and my mistakes are all mine and I didn't need you to like them anyway. I don't have to suit your expectations. I can only be better for myself and nothing more.   So thank you mate, you made me cry myself to sleep, made me feel vulnerable and sad only to make me come in my senses. I figured how much power I had as once a singer said  'I learnt who I was and I loved what I found'. No actually you know what? You didn't lose me, we are still friends. You can stop complaining now :)                                                                                                      Sincerely, "Watson"  

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