In Pursuit of Happiness

You chase frantically after happiness. You know you're there when you're finally happy right? But what happens right after? What happens right after you're as happy as you want to be? For me, it's anxiety. I worry about how long the happy feeling is going to last. I stress about what would happen that would snatch my happy away from me. I bother about it because I know that from there on, it could only get worse and I'm certain that it would. Maybe it's a rejection mail, or I remember something I've worked so hard at forgetting, or I lose something, or maybe someone… and at that moment, when the slightest thing threatens my happy, I just break down. It feels like I'm starting all over again like there's no end to this pursuit of happiness and I've come to realize that there's no end. Happiness is an emotion, just like sadness. It's so fleeting and holding on to it for so long only brings pain. Recently, I've been working at letting things go immediately I sense that they're about to go. I used to hold on to pain, to help me remember so I don't go down the same path. I writhe in pain as I remember what hurt me but I'm thankful for it because it helps me to remember not to make the same mistake. Funny thing is, I started to hold on very strongly to my happiness. When I felt like the slightest thing was trying to take away my happiness, I became aggressive. I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to see it. Unfortunately, I started to hurt a lot of people in the process. I didn't want to make any sacrifices or deal with anything that would make me a bit sad or worried, so I started to push things away. Over time, something sad would seep into the barricade I've built around me and it'd hurt me way more than it should because I'm so afraid of hurt or pain or sadness. Ironically I'm also afraid of being too happy. When I sense that I'm getting too happy, I call myself back and warn myself. I remind my heart that it's not going to last very long so I better be prepared for the consequences of being so elated and joyful. In the spirit of being a better person, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay to feel what I feel. Sometimes you're happy and other times you're not and it's okay. I'm also working on getting accustomed to the fact that happiness isn't a destination and it shouldn't even be. Happiness is something we should all keep chasing after, you never arrive, you never get there, you just have to keep chasing it for the rest of your life and it's okay.

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