MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

I attempted suicide, twice. Don't be perplexed, please. Can I lend you my voice? Pressured or overwhelmed with the ills of life? Or have you made a terrible mistake worthy of public shame and humiliation? Suicide is still not an option. Truthfully, if I had successfully committed suicide then, I probably would have been a forgotten history with no form of relevance. I attempted suicide first after I failed my O'level exams (WAEC) for the fourth (4th) time. Then, to me, it was finished and pointless trying to live. After my 4th failure, I was tired, and instead of me taking a rest, I decided to shut down. Suicide became the only available and valid option for me. The shame and humiliation of writing the exam with teenagers and students I taught and that I was far older than and I was certainly brilliant than they were, but, I still failed in blinding colors, with those teenagers excelling and moving forward. I was tired of remaining stuck for the fourth time now. Was I brilliant? Yes. Did I burn mid-night oils? Yes. Did I get my textbooks and past questions booklets? Yes. Did I attend tutorials? Yes. What went wrong? I had no idea up until now. I had no encouragement from my family then. I rather got rebuked and scolded for not putting in so many efforts as they expected. I was trying, I knew. At age 21, I was still writing my O'level exams and was still failing in blinding colors. It wasn't easy for me, but, only I understood that. I was in a world of my own. Drowning in a deeply disturbing ocean with none to rescue me. For a girl who graduated secondary school at age 15, and was still struggling to pass her O'level exams till age 21, you should imagine how humiliating this could be. I felt God had left me to my fate and that destiny was been unfair to me. That night, after returning from the cybercafe, I gulped down a bottle of Gentian Violet, GV, (a liquid purple ink used on open wounds to prevent germs intrusion and to cure skin ulcers). How I survived to die from that attempt still remains a mystery. On my fifth attempt, however, I finally passed my O'level exams. I never would have had a chance to anchor that success and victory if my suicidal attempts turned out successful then. But, I sure enjoyed the feel of victory and success after so many failed attempts. My second suicidal attempt when I was raped and jilted by my first boyfriend. We dated for two months. Young and naive, I was pressured into giving him a chance by my peers since they had changed boyfriends for more than the third time. He was fourteen years older than I was, even though he lied at the initial stage that he was just ten years older than I then. As a teen who wanted to be in the know-how, and to feel among, I allowed him to kiss me behind vehicles at night (that happened only once though). We met at his place (he lived in the same street with me), and on my first visit, nothing happened. My second and third visits were the same, and to me, I had met an angel, a perfect gentleman. I felt safe and secure around him. My fourth visit was what gave me a huge scar which I still bear till today. He dared and threatened me to lay with him, despite all of my pleas. And against my will and pleasure, he penetrated into me with my hands tied to my back, and legs left hanging up, like an animal about to be castrated. I regretted accepting his proposals that evening. I should have just maintained my stance of 'no relationship' until I was physically, emotionally, and psychologically prepared for it. Peer pressure gave me a huge blow. He had sex with me and also deprived me of the opportunity to feel the assumed 'pleasure' associated with 'sex'. My acclaimed boyfriend and first love raped me that evening without protection and absconded from the area the next day. Since that evening till this moment, I am still yet to lay my eyes on him. I still have nightmares though. I tried careless walking on main roads several times to be knocked down by an oncoming car and die, but, it never happened. I bought rat poison, and I took it, hoping that I'll die, but, I didn't. I have lived with that hurt up until now, and I love the relief I am getting in the inside of me as I write this to you. In all, God wins. No matter what life throws at you, please, suicide should and never be an option. Even if the worst happens, don't stop believing in God and believing in yourself. You should live. You deserve to stay alive, mentally, and psychologically fit. Overcome your past, overcome your hurts, overcome your failure, overcome the heartbreaks, it is a very good step to healing. Your mental and psychological well-being is my concern. Thanks for your time once again.

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Mike Lyles

Author of “The Drive-Thru is Not Always Faste...

Staresville, United States