Everyday, I lay down in my bed. Wondering what caused me to think this way. The answer is, life happened. Life hit me. I had finally entered reality. Growing up, I was always the one who got good grades, dressed nicely, a huge girly girl. Now I look at myself everytime I stare, blankly into the mirror. What happened? I'm Teddy. Currently an 8th grade student living in the depths of a dark, sad mind. Trapped. Scared? Sometimes it's terrifying. People say, “It wouldn't be any better if you did it anyways.” Did what? Die? Sometimes it seems like the last option but, it never is, is it? No. It isn't. My other option is just, keep it all in. Put that smile on your face no matter how you feel. If you want to rip something apart. Throw everything across the room. It surely would feel good but would it help me? No it wouldn't help me at all. In fact it will make me worse. After turning 13 in 2020. My life changed forever. In fact I don't know if things'll ever be the same again. I changed, everything changed. I dated a girl. I liked it. I cut my hair. I liked it. I wore guy clothes. I liked it. Here I am now, a transgender female to male. At an age of 14. Giving all the attention to my girlfriend possible. I love it. I loved it. I still love it. But my life has come downhill from there. I started cutting myself, hitting myself, losing sleep, crying everyday. I felt alone for too long. I am now just writing this out of my own pain. All this happened during the pandemic. A lot of my time spent as a teenager, since the second I turned 13, I was an entirely different person. No one recognized me. This is the story of a person who changed all because of one person. The one who saved my life, so I could live. This is my life. When I was 6, I started kindergarten. It was easy, simply, spelling, addition and subtraction. Then came 1st grade. I fell, I broke my arm. I healed. In 2nd grade, I had my first boyfriend for 2 years. He left and I moved on. Then came 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade. Then came 6th. 2019-2020. The year the pandemic started. It was semester two and we were about to come back from spring break. I remember I was with my Nana that week and came back. When I found out there was going to be no school for a little bit, I cheered a little bit. Maybe because school can be a bit of a downer. Anyways, for the next little while I waited and waited and once I finally found out from President Trump about all schools being closed. All schools have to stop being face to face and go on being virtual. It was a Saturday when I found out about the deadly disease. I wouldn't leave my room, I would just lay down on my second mattress (from under the bed), eating chips, and watching disney plus. All until I started school again online. I finished 6th grade with all A's. I of course had my mom's help because she was getting paid from her boss to stay home with me while my dad and brother worked. But anyways, 7th grade. I did virtual school and was failing that. So I went back face to face. I cut my hair, wore baggy clothes everyday. Had a lot of relationships with guys. 2020-2021, I had 7 ships. In less than a year. Sounds nice huh? It wasn't nice at all. Isaiah ghosted me all the time, Jacob during our second try, asked me to do things I never liked, Leslie and I only lasted a week. Went through some bullcrap and survived. Shocking. Then there's me now. I am dating my one and true love, my soulmate. Transgender. Transphobic parents. My sister whom I met online, going through abuse but never asking for help. I'm in America. She's in Italy. My brother is hardly home because he works a lot. My parents worry about me 24/7. I used to say “All it took was one step out there, and I can now fly.” Now I say, “No matter how hard things are fight, fight as hard as possible, smile even at the worst of times. And live the life you want to. Careless of what others say and think. Go out there and be yourself. Whether you, or other people like it or not.” I saved other people, now they know I am having a hard time, and look at me. Hardly any help. Having panic attacks in my sleep. Well, when I do sleep. Mostly I don't sleep at all. But no matter what, whenever I have troubles in my life. I always go to the one person that I know will always be by my side forever, my girlfriend. My girlfriend is the one person I will love until the day I die. It wouldn't be worth it if I gave up too soon. I want to live until I am at least grown up, mature. I want to live a happy life. My life wouldn't be happy without her. I love ali. Too much. Me and Ali planned our future. Live together, grow together. Love together. To never grow apart. I promised her I would never leave her ever. If she were alone, I will make sure I am there with her. Fighting by the love of my life's side. Forever. I will do this, always, forever. I love Ali. So one more time. Hello, My name is Teddy. And I am fighting the darkness that surrounds me. To be free, to smile. To live.


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Aspiring author

Dubai, United Arab Emirates