The Ending Brought A New Beginning

Even before the pandemic happened, I'm already broken. The person I loved cheated on me, I got low remarks on my final exam, my relationship with my parents was slowly getting worse, and the worst was my mental health deteriorating. I was slowly drowning to the bottom, I was slowly losing hope, but I saw a light. I saw my friends as my guardian angel who helped me get through my hardest times, they helped me swim from the surface to catch some air and I'm very lucky that I met them. But that doesn't last long. Because a month after the first lockdown, our friendship eventually ended because of some misunderstanding. We have parted ways and communicate only if it's necessary. That time, I could say that it was my lowest point in life. Different problems came to me once; my friends turned their backs on me, COVID-19 pandemic taking a toll on my mental health, and me being so helpless because of online class. But I'm more affected by the sudden breakup with my friends. You see, I treat my friends as a treasure that can be only found once in a blue moon. I try to help them in everything that they do, give them lots of energy and motivate them whenever they are down, carefully listen to their problems, and always lend my shoulder to cry on. I can say that I love my friends more than I love myself... which then I realized, is very wrong. I loved them too much that I forgot to take care of myself. I love them so much that I forgot to check my own well-being. I love them so much that I didn't realize I'm giving away life jackets but I'm the one who's drowning. When I'm with them, I can say that I feel very happy. I've experienced many things with them and overcame my problems because they were there to help me. I could say that they were like my own siblings. But, I also feel insecure when I'm with them. Whenever I'm with them, I feel very inferior and I hate myself for that. I know that they don't think of me like that but sometimes I just can't help to feel like a nuisance in our group. I feel like I'm just a background character who kept on stealing lines from the main star. I felt really bad with their company, that's why when our friendship ended, I felt sad and happy at the same time. I'm really grateful that I met them, had a chance to be called one of their friends, and had a chance to create memories with them, but I'm most grateful when our friendship ended. When I lost you guys, I found myself. I found my old self who would laugh at simple jokes, my old self who has confidence in herself, my old self who's not afraid to try something new, and my old self who can stand on her own. I became more free, I can do anything without any constraint. It feels like a new chapter of my life. # Right now, I'm still trying to work on myself because sometimes my insecurities still keep me locked somewhere, my doubts that circle around my mind like they were riding a carousel, and of course I somewhat still hate myself. But I'm trying. If I was the person before the pandemic happened, I would definitely give up in a matter of seconds. I wouldn't even have the will to continue this far. That's why even if the pandemic made our lives worse, I'm still thankful for it. The pandemic may have caused so many misfortunes in our life but sometimes I ask myself, "If the pandemic didn't happen, what would happen to us?" I'm in no way saying that the pandemic made the lives of the people easier, it became hell. But I believe that the COVID-19 pandemic is just an experience that we could gain a lesson from. It's something that made us stronger, made us feel hopeful, and made us feel that humanity is still present among us. It destroyed many people's lives and mental health but it also gave us an opportunity for us to learn different perspectives, hear thousands of stories, and create a society that's more educated than before. Now that we're slowly going back into the pre-pandemic state, I hope that the lessons we have learned, the experience we have garnered, and all of the things that happened during the pandemic state... will stay within our hearts. As wrong as it may sound, the life before the pandemic is the thing that we lost, it's a thing that is too much for us, a thing that is not for us anymore. We lost our old lives to reconnect with our old selves. We lost our old ways to have some room for the new ones. Yes, we were broken, barely had motivation, and lost a lot during the pandemic, but we also gained. As my mother said, “The pandemic is an ending of a story and a beginning of a new chapter.”


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artist, musician, writer, Luddite

Troy, United States