It's not over- at least not yet.

People who tend to sit near a window are physiologically in the midst of escaping something. That is what my history teacher told us on the first day of class. I have thought about escaping the world more times than one, but that day I was ready for everything to end. I walk into school with the intentions of having a good day, but something always goes wrong. It's girl drama, but it becomes so bad that it makes me question what I have become and why I even suffer through it. Today, I wanted it to be over. I walked into the crowded school cafeteria to join my friends, but none of them were relieved when I showed up. It wasn't that I had done anything either, it's just that I was guilty by association. Because I had spoken to a girl, they all hated me. Why? Because my “friends” are petty. The summer was refreshing. I spent two months away from the lies, rumours, and opinions that were spread around the friend group. Then school started. That first day back was even worse than I thought. Sure, I may have looked the part, but my head was spinning. By the time I had gotten to the second half of the day, I had already considered all of my alternate options. None of them would have saved me from the public high school drama. Except for one. Of course the word scares me, but I needed a way out of the thoughts that consumed me. I was scared, but I had considered it. I hate that about myself, but I thought about ending all of my pain and suffering. Except I had sat on the complete opposite side of the window, thinking nothing of it. I knew that it was not the time to end my story. I still thought about it everyday though. Especially today. It seems irrelevant, but I thought about ending it after I got home. But I couldn't do that to the people who loved me. And I couldn't give that satisfaction to the people that didn't. What would it be like without me? Would anybody care? I mean it seems like all that people really pretend to care about are the people that show their “emotions”. It seems to be that people just try to destroy others' lives. And that's exactly what they had done to me. I wanted to escape to another world, one where I would not have to put on a smile so people didn't call me dramatic or sensitive. I wanted to escape to where I wouldn't have to suffer both at school and at home, or hate myself every second I was alive. There isn't an escape though. I wish that I could talk to somebody about how I feel about everything. But my mom just yells at me, vand my guidance counselor thinks I am perfect. I wish I didn't feel like crying everyday I come home from school. I wish listening to depressing music wasn't a way to disguise the pain to everybody else. I am not weak. Except I am. Behind closed doors I cry myself to sleep. Behind closed doors, I try anything and everything to make it all okay. But I am an honors student, with straight A's, holding the one piece of my life accessible under the best control I can possibly manage. But what is an education without a functioning human to stand behind the letters? It's pretty obvious I am not happy with my current life situation. But there's nothing to do about it. I guess there's only three more years of this until I can escape into a whole new world of college. But I am not sure if I can wait for that long. I have thought about giving up, so what's gonna stop me if I actually do? Cause according to everybody, I am perfect and as happy as a clam. Would I still be here if i weren't for the one thing holding me here? Honestly, probably not. I suffer for my best friend. I hold all the pain in for my best friend. I am strong for my best friend. Because I can't ruin her life like that. She is everything to me, and she makes it all okay. At least for a moment.

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