Lobster Man

Johnny and I were talking wild mushrooms over pints a few seasons back. A tall "handsome" looking champignon popped up and stalked the conversation enough to interrupt. "Have you ever had lobster mushrooms?" He asked. I replied that I had not. He offered to give me some, brought up his motorcycle and migrated to our table. This was truffle for Johnny. Some unmemorable alpha-beta conversation ego-trip went on for miles and he got up to leave. The mushroom offer was a thinly veiled reason to join him outside, Johnny watched my beer (I tasted tear later). He did own a motorcycle and lobster mushrooms. Both were ratty looking but would work. "You'll have to clean them but they're still good," he said handing me 2 hastily picked, not properly cut mushrooms in a crumpled paper bag. I hadn't finished saying "Than--" when he cut me off and had the gill to ask if I wanted "to go bang behind that van over there?" Parking lot stranger sex is not the feather my cap needs. Despite the intoxicating effect of his shitake beard, I declined. "Okay how about we just go make out behind it?" he said, stepped closer put his hands on my hips and TRIED TO KISS ME! I'm not sure what part of 'I DON'T WANNA BANG BEHIND A VAN' meant "Don't Stipe"? But do I look like I wanna get raped behind one? I guess it's not rape if he gives you something or coerces you to do something you don't want to do, oh wait, that's exactly what IT IS. I didn't spore a second before pushing him away laughing like I was high on mushrooms. Lobster man cried "BUT I GAVE YOU MUSHROOMS!" I gave him a mush too nice view of my button the way back in and yelled: "Exactly! You ALREADY GAVE me the mushrooms!" 🦞👌🍄 #lobstermushroom #puffball #indeep #metoo #delicious #robappleton @ Gladstone Brewing Co.

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Jane Doe

Aspiring writer, budding linguist.

Cape Town, South Africa