My Turn

I've been wondering why I've been feeling like I've been making less progress lately and I think it's because I hopped back onto the dating sites again. After I broke off the engagement with Mark, I promised myself I would try to find myself and I was making some progress but then it's like I went back to my old bad habits. I felt guilty when my therapist was telling me the other day how proud she was of me because I wasn't dating and I was really focusing on what made me happy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. I thought I could start dating again without feeling like I used to; like I needed validation from these guys I dated but it's still happening. I started dating one guy that showed some red flags in the beginning but I went out with him because I thought he deserved a chance. The date wasn't amazing but I decided I would see him again. Since that date, he was all over the place communicating with me and said he was going to hang out with me on a particular day and then never followed through. My best friend didn't have the best feeling about him. He didn't think he was necessarily a bad person but he didn't think he was compatible with me. Despite all of this, I decided to go on a second date with him. We went on this extreme hike to Hubbard Park's castle and we had a great time. We laughed, talked, drank a little and kissed a whole lot. When I got home, I fell apart. Part of it was because I skipped taking a pill but another part of it was because my anxiety was sky rocketing over thinking he wouldn't continue to like me or accept all of my flaws. These feelings ruined the rest of the night. I want to stop feeling that way. I need to gain some self-love and self-confidence before I put myself back into the dating world. I'm not doing myself any favors dating too early. I'm just undoing the progress I've been making and I risk hurting people that I date. I think I'm going to break it off with him before it gets more serious. Ever since I started dating, he's all I've been thinking about even though I don't even know if I like him that much! I check my phone constantly and him paying attention controls how I feel. I need to break it off so I can finally focus on me again. I need to do this for myself. I need to break the cycle for real now.

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