There are seasons of the soul that feel like eternal winter, where time collapses into a cold grey blur, and breathing becomes less of an instinct and more of a chore. In 2023, I found myself buried in that season. Not beneath snow, but beneath silence. Beneath pain so loud it numbed me. I was in a hole so dark, I forgot what light looked like. So dense, I questioned if it had ever existed. It wasn't that I wanted to die. It was that living became unbearable, an uphill drag with no summit in sight. I was not tired of life. I was tired in life. And so, in a moment that felt both ridiculous and holy, I made a deal with the universe: “If I'm meant to be here, if I'm meant to have joy, love, and everything I ache for, then I'm going to survive this. If not, let me go.” The truth is, I woke up. Not gracefully, not peacefully. I woke up heaving and shaking and vomiting, not from divine deliverance, but from a body refusing to surrender. And in that mess, in that ragged breath I didn't ask for, I found a strange kind of clarity. The universe may be broken. But so am I, and we're both still here. This survival was not a miracle in the traditional sense. There was no beam of heavenly light, no choir of angels. Just a girl, a stomach full of regret, and a life stubborn enough not to end. But here's the thing about being shattered: it makes you porous. And in being porous, you let the light in. That moment of survival became a turning point. I decided that if I could wake up from that, if I could find breath after begging for silence, then I could find joy too. Not all at once. Not without clawing and scraping and crying again. But I could find it. And I did. Now I carry a truth so heavy and so sacred, it demands to be shared: You will get everything you want from this life. But first, you have to survive it. There is a specific kind of courage that blooms in the depths. A choice that cannot be made when everything is fine. It is the choice of someone who has seen the edge, tasted the bitterness of despair, and still says, “I will try again.” I see this bravery not just in me, but in so many others. People I love. People I've held as they sobbed. People who have buried mothers, carried the weight of identity in an unkind world, fought addiction, held hands through heartbreak, or just quietly waged war against their own minds. Survival is not glamorous. It's often silent. But it's holy. To anyone reading this, to the version of me who needed to read this, I beg you: Choose life. Not just for the promise of happiness or success. Choose life because you are a soul that the universe allowed to borrow flesh, to step onto Earth and feel everything. The joy and the despair. The heartbreak and the euphoria. The hunger and the fullness. You are not here by accident. And even if you are, even if you are an insignificant speck in an ever-expanding cosmos, then doesn't that make this even more magnificent? That from dust and stardust and mystery, you got to be here? Your life may feel small. But it's yours. And within it, you can do anything. That's not motivational fluff. That's metaphysical fact. You are a flame wrapped in skin. You are a thunderstorm pretending to be ordinary. You are temporary, yes. But that just means the moments matter more. So make it worth it. Make your existence a rebellion against the void. Laugh loudly. Cry openly. Make art that no one understands. Love hard, even if you get hurt. Rest. Rage. Dream. Begin again. And again. Because if the universe is broken, then you get to be the glue. And if you are still here, it means your story is not done. There is more. More you. More life. More love. Choose to see the light, not just at the end of the tunnel, but within yourself. You are not alone. You are not done. You are the unlikely bloom in the deep, dark soil. And you are growing.

It is no lie that Covid-19 changed our lives in more ways than just one. We had job losses, deaths, and even became secluded from our loved ones that needed us the most. Our lives became a nightmare for a year, and it is now just beginning to become normal. Well maybe for some of us. The ones I am referring to are the people like me who are still trying to find their soul that Covid took from them. Before the pandemic, I was a happy-go-lucky 23 year old that was on track to graduate college with her second degree. I was getting married in the summer, and life was grand. In a matter of a second my joy was ripped from me. The virus took over my happiness, freedom, and safety as an adult. I lost my internship, and had to find a supplement for the requirement. I lost friendships I was creating during my college years. I had to miss moments with my family that can never be remade. I had an ungodly amount of stress, anxiety, and depression that entered my life. It literally changed me into a person that I had no idea existed. I had struggled with depression in high school, but I had never had depression hit me that hard. I was in a dark spot, and wanted to give up on all my dreams and ambitions. I had to dig myself out of a dark rut. I knew I had to get out before it was too late. How was I to do that though? I had never dealt with such a high amount of anxiety, or fear before. My fears became small and big. I feared I would lose everyone around me to the virus. I feared that life would never return to normal. I feared that I would never see the places that I dreamed of seeing as a child due to Covid-19 being so violent, and devastating. It closed down places in a matter of weeks that had been standing for over 50 years, so I became even more depressed. I watched people lose jobs they have had their whole lives. My empathetic side started to come into play. It was horrific seeing individuals losing their homes due to job losses. People had to start applying for unemployment to survive. Unemployment became such a dire need that folks crashed the phone lines. Talk about a nightmare for people all over the United States. Needless to say, life became a game, and the outcome was crappy each time a person played. How was I ever going to get out of the darkness with everything going on around me? I still had no idea, for days upon days. However, I knew I was going to get into the sunshine again someway. Just I didn't know how. Until one day, I was shopping in one of my favorite stores, and I found a Chakra kit. I had always heard about balancing your chakras, but I had never looked into it. Well that day I found that kit, I made the decision to start my spiritual journey, and find my soul and spirit again. I was so lost that I wanted to give up on life. I debated on taking out my pain in ways of self harming, but then I thought what would that solve? A temporary stop to the pain that would still continue to be ongoing? Exactly! So, I knew I had to woman up and face my demons myself. I broke down, and talked to my doctor. I explained that I was concerned about my mental well-being. I was having nighttime anxiety that was creating insomnia. This fed a monster that I had not yet faced, and kept me in bed until 3 in the afternoon at times. I decided that I was tired of missing the days that God had given me to enjoy. This allowed me to wake up one day knowing I had to change. I knew I had a bigger purpose than what the darkness was allowing me to see. So, I decided to try a new medicine rather than the one I had been using to fight my PMDD (Pre- menstrual dysphoric disorder) symptoms. This medicine helped tackle the areas I was experiencing darkness, and allowed me to become my idea of what normal is. By tackling this aspect, I was able to start my spiritual journey which I am still learning about, and I hope to one day share that story with the world. So in conclusion to this madness I have written this beautiful July day. I am still a masterpiece in the making. Life is less hectic due to the slow down of the spread of Covid-19, so this allows me to work even harder to work on becoming me again. I am starting to see the sun peak through the clouds, but I know I have a little bit longer to go. I may want to rush at times, but honestly I am excited for the ride. Cheers to new beginnings, because I know I am ready.

Beautiful sunsets, slowly and gracefully outshining the dead. Crippling darkness… emerging from the long lost souls, trying hard to bury their last drop of breath. But nothing is to worry, for them are sleeping well, deep in the grounds where peace and light is always to be found. Darkness shall rise no more, but only love and light from the long lost souls, trying to find their way out, through the never-ending grounds. -inspired by my deceased grandmother-

The dark swirled around her taunting her. “You are capable of more evil than you know my dear…” The voice whispered from somewhere in the dark abis. “No, I'm not! Just leave me alone!” Rose shouted back shutting her eyes tightly trying to block the other voice out but she failed as it continued to jeer at her. “Do you remember…?” The voice hissed causing a flash of images of past horrific events in their victim's life. Rose felt tears start to roll down her cheeks as she fell to the floor in defeat and folding her knees to her chest. “Give up?” The voice questioned in a demonic tone. “No…” Rose replied forcing her voice to steady itself. Suddenly another girl appeared in front of her with black and green hair, bright green eyes, and an evil grin spread across her face. “Well, then it looks like we'll meet again soon my dear....” The girl stated threateningly before disappearing into the darkness and an evil laugh spreads throughout the room. Rose sat up in her bed quickly, her heart pounding as if she had just ran a marathon and her cheeks stained with tear tracks. “Stupid North…” she mumbled to herself in the silence of her bedroom. She kicked her legs over the side of the bed and got up before pulling the blinds open, allowing for the cool night air to flood the room. The sky was an opaque black and cloudy so no stars could be seen. She looked down at her hands that had formed into fists. This had been the third time this week that the stupid nightmare had occurred leaving her sleep deprived and frightened to even try to take a nap. The door squeaked open shadowing her with the light of the hallway. “Rose?” She heard a deep voice say from her doorway, “What are you doing awake?” “Just a nightmare…” She mumbled in return but didn't turn to face her visitor. “Oh, is it still the same one?” Rose nodded slowly as she heard the person step farther into her room but she still didn't turn to face them. “You want to talk about it?” She felt a hand touch her shoulder gently as if at the touch she might disappear forever. “No, Mark I'm good.” She replied her voice returning to hestiant state as she declined his offer of conversation. “Rose, come here.” He whispered taking his hand away from her shoulder and sitting down on the bed. She finally turned around and took a seat next to him and tried to hide the tears forming in her eyes. Mark placed his arm lightly on her shoulders but stayed silent not sure how to approach the situation though he knew she needed help. “Rose?” He said in a hushed tone. “Yes, Mark?” Her voice cracked from trying to hold back her tears. “It's ok to cry.” Rose pondered his words for a second then finally let it go and started sobbing. Mark pulled her a little closer attempting to confort her. “I'm s...sor..sorry Ma..Mark…” She stuttered through her tears. Mark looked at her confused that she was apologizing to him. “What, why?” He said bewildered by the girl's sudden apology. “For crying..” “Rose it's ok…” He pulled her closer to him. It's okay.

With the wind blowing in your hair and the sun shining on your face, one can find little to complain about. With the ocean colliding upon the sand and the shells spread around the beach, one should find peace. But there is no peace. As the mind forces thoughts, ones unwanted, on to the brain. And the body aches of pains of all sorts of origins. Bruises and scrapes litter the body. No one can be sure where they came from. Strangers don't stop to ask what's wrong. It may be strange for someone to be sitting on the beach on a cold winter day, but everyone has their own life. Everyone has their own issues. Nobody has the time to care. So, as you sit on the beach, with the cold air rushing through your hair and the sun radiating it's bright but frigid rays directly on you, you feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. As if the inside of you was just a cold bottomless pit. No end, no beginning. But empty. All that's inside of you is the dark nothingness that haunts you. It's like you don't have warm blood, circulating through your body. As you even feel cold to the touch. You could even think that your heart isn't pumping. Your lifeless. Motionless. Sitting there on the beach, anyone would think you were just mesmerized by the ocean. But your just trying to feel. Anything. You hope to be happy. To find something to enjoy. To fill the pit inside you. But it all seems impossible. How do you fill something that's endless? Something that doesn't even seem to want to be filled? The only thing you want to do is feel. But the easiest way to feel is through pain. So your left in what seems like an endless cycle of hopelessness. Nowhere to go and no way to get out. All you can ever feel is empty.