My cycle of dreams were like , at first i wanted to be an astronaut, 2ndly wanted to be an aircraft engineer, but i ended up being an Accountant. Not yet professionally an Accountant but that is where i will end up. Being an Accountant is not bad i love it but i did not really choose it. I often wonder when exactly i stopped dreaming. I had so much potential growing up and so many dreams but when did i stop dreaming. when did i give up on my dreams.Every time i look back and try to figure that part out i never remember the exact moment but i do remember the cause of me giving up on my dreams. As a Zimbabwean child living in the ghetto, being an astronaut was just a childish dream, as soon as you start going to school that dream was just going to fade and be lost because the more you say it was the more people looked at you and give you those "you are still young to know looks" until u realize what they were trying to say. So yes that how that dream died. Being an aircraft engineer was The Dream, my end game. It was where i always saw myself at 25 being one of the leading aircraft engineer in Africa. One could say i was a dreamer. But that dream died in high school, after the ultimate humiliation. I was selected to be in the sciences class. This made me super happy and it meant my dream would go on. Later that same week we were re-screened and i was moved out of the sciences class into the commercials. If you have never been to be on the receiving side of bullying you would never understand what that did to me. I was laughed at. People made awful jokes about the school realizing you are not that smart after they put you in the smart peoples class. After a week or two i was given the option to go back into the sciences class but because of the comments i was already receiving over the humiliation of being removed out the class i chose to stay in commercials class. Because of somewhat bullying among my own peers i gave up on the dream i had for as long as i remember. Often i wonder what would have happened if i had been confident enough, if i had been bold enough to ignore the comments from my peers. Would i have been an engineer today? Where would i be?
Many times I kept thinking about the concept of loving myself but it was really blurry to understand. Years later, finally I understood the idea of self-love which I practice this step by step in daily life. Everything started way back when I had no idea of myself. When I entered high school to be exactly; I had everything. Starting from confidence, beauty, good personality, good status, everything okay. Like every teenager I was excited to make friends and I did, I make many friends, but I was not pretty aware that people could hate me. In the middle of the school year everything started to stumble inside myself and in my environment because of my friends. They were spreading lies about me, things like “She is ugly, she is a bad person, she is childish, she is rude, she is a rich girl” and many more. Hearing these things from people I thought they were friends hurt me and this is why I lie myself thinking it was not true. I kept lying me even do I heard those comments from their own mouths but still kept good relationship. My parents advise me that a lot of people would envy me and they would say things to hurt me but I could not believe it so I ignored them. I started to worry a lot, trying to change things that they did not like about me, trying to be the person they wanted me to become and shut their mouths but every time I did something was wrong. I faked who I was, I hide all my feelings pretending I was always strong and I lost my self-love and confidence but I still was looking for somebody that could see the light in me. I met somebody “especial”. At the beginning he was nice and understandable, I liked him because of it. I gave him everything and said to myself “he is helping me to connect to myself” but time passed and I realize that he was lying, he was seeing me as a trophy because for my features. I confirmed this when we were talking on the phone and he suddenly called me FAT so I asked him to say it again but he denied, he try to avoid the conversation so I follow but I could not recover from that in months, I did not eat, I exercise a lot but I was still me the “fat girl”. All my problems were building a mountain in my mind, it was heavy to carry. My friends hated my personality, my boyfriend hated me physically. Everything that made me strong once now was gone. Adding to those situations I hated myself for not been enough for them. Years passed that I felt there was no way of escaping from that maze. The idea of loving me did not appear in my mind during this unpleasant times but I wanted to go back to my old-self so desperately because of the many tears that escaped from my eyes because of them. The questions that seemed to stop me from doing worst things were Who Am I? Are They Going to Like Me Someday? Is This Person Still Me? After two years of feeling miserable and exclude everything changed so suddenly, I realize that letting everybody take advantage of me was making me weaker. I propose myself to change, for my own benefit. The changes were troublesome to make but everything led to the person I am today. These changes were: 1.- Knowing and being myself.- Been able to know myself led to not underestimate me in front of others or lower my confidence about who I was. This was hard to achieve. Every time I did not know something about myself, I asked a question and with this I got to know me a little more and I was determined to not let anyone change my essence. In this part of my life is where I still lack of knowledge about who I am but I still have time to find me. 2.- Family.- Through a lot of stages since I was a kid to what I am know they were by my side even do I kept a distance from them in my young years. Now I am sure there is no better place to run when I feel weak or stressed or I need to be lifted emotionally. 3.- Finding Self-Love.- It may sound weird but it was a song that made me realize that staying true to myself was not enough and I had to practice loving myself. “Epiphany” by Jin was the one song and it said something tremendously true for my young self “I was the one I should love in this world”. As soon as I learned what it meant I practiced this in daily life which kept me from change who I was from time to time. I learned to give love to myself because I deserve it. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes in my short life. But that is me. Tomorrow, I will be a little wiser than yesterday and I would understand better the idea of loving me that do not depends on nobody else, but that is still me. Now I realize that my bad decisions are my most important lessons, that formed the person that I am now, that I should be proud of me. Because I have to love the old me and the new that evolve within me. Like most people I lacked self-love. I still have a lot of stumbles in my journey, and I have many more fears, but I'm going to hug myself as hard as I can and will continue to love myself progressively, eventually. Slowly.
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