I don't believe in love. With my generation genuine love is hard to come by. No one wants anything serious anymore. For some “I love you” is a meaningless statement, you can't truly love someone if you can get over them in a week. I was under the assumption I would never find real true love. My heart was already torn. I didn't want some silly boy making it ache. My parents got divorced when my older brother and I were young. Since then I never wanted anyone too close. Close enough for me to let my guard down. Figuring being insincere by not letting anyone in, I can't end up hurt. My “childhood” and so far teen years have been very hectic. So I never had a want for a relationship. I've been told to never settle young. I am young. Observing friends and couples around me. I never thought there was any point. Maybe further down the road, but not yet. Then this boy, this boy wasn't any boy. He was like finding a blue lobster, instead of 1 in 2 million, he was a 1 in 7.7 billion. Something you'd never find. There he was at my fingertips. When our eyes met, everything stopped, like the world stopped spinning. Mine did. The vast rush of butterflies I got when his striking deep pools, of glacial blue eyes met with mine is unexplainable. He has a dreamy smile, and an enchanting personality. Wearing his heart on his sleeve, with respect on another level something that most guys our age don't have anymore. I've never met a more gentle and genuine soul like his. The way his finger tips meet with mine, they're right in line. My heart in my throat everytime he spoke. A simple thought of him made my pupils dilate. What we have is fate. I believe in love.
Gayatri had a basement in her house. It was basically a store room for all the old discarded things. If Gayatri ever needed to replace anything in her house then first she would look for its replacement in the store room below and if found something useful then she would use it. One day, she realized that a bulb in her kitchen wasn't turning on. "Well it seems I am going to need a bulb", she said to herself, "Let's see if the basement has one." and she went to the basement. In the short time of her reaching the basement, all the sleeping old things woke up after hearing what she said. These things would always get excited when Gayatri needed something and they would get anxious to see who will finally leave the dirty store room. In fact, all of those things used to pray for such a circumstance to come when Gayatri will need something and finally they will be put to some good use rather than living there , because some of those things were living in that pile of garbage since a very long time. And among those very old things was an old dirty glass bowl. Aside from the fact that it was dusty, the bowl was actually beautiful. It was small and had designs of the flowers fantastically crafted on it! After knowing that Gayatri was coming down in the basement to look for something she needs, the bowl woke up from a long sleep and said to himself with deep hope, "At last! Gayatri is coming here after a long time! I wish at least today she will notice me in this pile and who knows? She might pick me !" Upon hearing these words, a lamp hung above the lying bowl, opened and rolled his 'flashing' eyes on the bowl, he laughed at the bowl's unrealistic hope and said, "Stupid! Did you not hear Gayatri's words? She needs a lamp at this moment and that's what she is coming to look for here, so obviously she is going to find out that I am a what she requires more than any of you. I will finally be free from this pile of garbage and live in Gayatri's kitchen to brighten up the surrounding! So tell me, bowl, how can you hope so foolishly for her to pick you? What would Gayatri do with you?" A smile appeared on the bowl's face by the lamp's question but the smile had a bit of sorrow in it. He answered, "My friend, Gayatri was just nine years old when her aaji (grandmother) bought me for her. She used to make Gayatri's favourite rice kheer and feed it from me to her. Gayatri loved eating by her aaji's hand and I loved watching them being so happy together. Some time went by and our beloved aaji passed away, both me and Gayatri were sunken in sadness. As the days passed by, Gayatri stopped eating kheer as her aaji was not there to make it and feed it to her which eventually made her ignore me. A few more months passed and while rearranging some of the things in the house, Gayatri's parents accidently put me in this store room, since then I have been living here. I still remember the laughter, the joy Gayatri had with her aaji and those memories are the only thing giving me hope that someday Gayatri will notice me and I will share those precious memories with her again.", the weeping bowl looked at the lamp and said, "You asked me what would Gayatri use me for? But my friend, sometimes the memories of the past attached to a thing are worth more than its use for the present." The lamp, after hearing this, regretted acting rudely with the bowl and in an instant he decided to make up for it! He flashed his light so brightly on the bowl that the light was getting reflected off its glass! At the same moment, Gayatri entered the store room. With light shining so bright on the bowl, she noticed the bowl first, not the lamp! She came forward and picked up the bowl. After staring at it for just few moments, her eyes filled up with tears... As if the bowl was radiating the rays of memories, she recalled all the happiness of the childhood and more importantly, she remembered the smile of her aaji, as sweet as the kheer she used to make. For her memories' sake, Gayatri decided to clean the bowl and take it with her. Before leaving, she also took the lamp but suddenly, the lamp went out! "It was working just fine when I entered!", she was confused and even tried turning the switch on and off but nothing happened, the lamp wasn't turning on. "Ah! It must have gone off just at this moment. Never mind, maybe I should just buy a new one.", Gayatri thought and left the store room with the bowl, but before leaving with Gayatri, the bowl expressed his gratitude to the lamp, "Thank you friend! I won't ever be able to repay your debt! But tell me, why did you turn off yourself on purpose when you could've also left this place today with me?" The lamp smiled and answered, "Because my friend, I realized my true purpose today! Instead of living upstairs, I would like to stay here and enlighten the priceless memories hidden under this dusty precious garbage!" And Gayatri shut the door of the store room. THE END.
Thanks to God! Thanks to my parents who teach me to do great works in this short life. My poem is published in International antalogy in America 🇺🇸 under the name of "Talented voices of Uzbekistan" and sited in amazon.com and put to sale in 26 countries. I am so glad about this news. Just amazing situation. My poem travelled to my favorite dream country before me. I will also travel soon, of course. May be you want to read it... Save me, God. I was born with hope in my pure eyes Grew up and saw spring more or less. What I did in this illusory World Save me from sinfulness ,oh, my dear God Doing big or small sin is just define, And I abandoned you in my merry time. But I asked you help, sinking in grime, Forgive me, your sinful slave, oh, my God. Life is beautiful with me, I got it, For filling my life with happy event. For doing a lot of worthwhile good deeds, Always protect me,oh, my kind God. I will obviously take the top of science, My attempts show this, my prays define. I never surrender, victory is mine, Encourage me in this long way, oh my God. His hands are harsh, his hair is white, Still works in daylight or during the night. Because he tries to make my life light, Preserve my father, I beg you, oh, my God. Wrinkly faced,her kerchief fits well on her head, Her love likes fount, her love never end. Even sacrifices her soul to her kids, Protect my heavenly mother, oh my God. Being capacity isn't my ambition , My nation will know me. This is my intention. Readers love my poems as Zulfiya's word, Support my every work ,oh, my dear God. My alone request, my sole plead, This five days life is going to end. When it will measured my sin and good deed, Brighten my face in front of you, God. There are defects,I know. But it is written with sorrow in my heart. Anyway, I tried to express my difficulties, especially, parents' challenges on the way to my happiness. So it was hard to me express it with words, truly, I am weak to do this.
The rave at the Pub was intoxicating and freaky mixed with the sweet fragrance of booze and whiffs of smoke high in the air. The room was dimly lit with only a swirling club light filling the room with multicolored spots as it rotated back and forth on the ceiling. I saw lots of bodies tangled together in closed spaces as the music blasted from the speakers placed right behind me at the back end of the booth. There was a twinkle of bright light as a young waitress lifted a bottle of an expensive drink, wearing the skimpiest shorts I had ever seen, heading towards my direction. The bottle was carefully placed on our table in front of a very thick man whose eyes were fixed on the full ample breast of the waitress that was nearly popping out of her skin tight top. The lights were removed from the bottle and I saw the fine Jack Daniels scotch sitting proudly on the table alongside Ice cubes and shot glasses. She turned to leave but was stalled by the man who stuck his hands out to stop her. He placed folded naira notes into her back pocket while he gently squeezed her backside. She giggled and left the booth while I turned away to avoid appearing like a newbie. My head snaps up when the sharp smell of cigarettes hits my nose with a force that made me nearly gag. I do not like cigarettes, so I was totally turned off when I saw a full pack of Benson on the table. I signed up for it by being here, so I will endure. Going out was never my strong suit, so when I finally shook off the girlish shyness for such places and brazenly decided to visit the nearest one closest to me, I knew it would be a hell of an experience because I saw firsthand what went down in such places and most importantly I had fun and let loose. Obviously, I did because I am writing about it. The sitting arrangement at the club was kind of weird because there were only large cushion chairs placed side by side around the room, so the center looked like an open dance floor while the spectators sat and watched. This made me uncomfortable because I sat close to a lot of people I did not know and frankly, no one cared, so I relaxed a bit. My bottle of Smirnoff Ice was opened and halfway empty when some group of girls suddenly got up and started dancing. The lady with the shimmering black halter neck, bare back short gown caught my attention. She was the definition of a seductress. The lights bounced off her dress adding to her allure and I couldn't help but stare at her. She was gently moving to the rhythm of the song blasting from the speakers, twirling and shaking her body and waist to the beat. The other guys were focused on her as well because she was simply captivating and she worked her magic on the whole room while we watched. The song changed and just like that she switched up her tempo and started twerking. As much I loved to watch people dance, I knew I could not dance to save my life if there was ever a situation like that. I was born with two left feet that couldn't interpret any moves I had lined up expertly in my head. So I watched others dance and subtly moved my body from left to right with my head bubbling up and down to the beat of the music. . . Full Read https://www.dropbox.com/s/i3o1rmf7jlwsqy8/A%20VISIT%20TO%20THE%20PUB.docx?dl=0
Every girls dream is to have a good life and be successful. Successful can be defined in many ways. I came through a lady who was my co-worker and I asked her, what she knows success as. She told me, is having a good husband who loves, respect her and take good care of her. This was her mind-set and I respected it. I had no objection on it because we all don't think alike. To her that's what being successful meant. What this lady told me made me think a lot when I was alone. The next day I went to ask her what she meant. She told me her story I couldn't believe my ears. Everything seemed as if it was a dream but no it was reality. She lost her mother when she was nine years old. Her father had to marry another wife to take care of him and his children. Her step mother used to treat her so badly, she made her do all the house chores. She never felt bad or hated her stepmom. She loved studying a lot but this was cut of on one occasion. Everything changed when she experienced her first monthly period. It was on a holiday when her stepmother took her to their hometown. She thought that she was going to visit her close relatives. Little did she know what was in stored for her? Her step mother has planned an arranged marriage for this young girl. What about her education? All her dreams was shuttered into pieces. What she could see ahead of her only darkness. She had no other choice but to accept the marriage. She got married to her close cousin whom she has never met. The wedding happened so quickly and she was taken to husband. They stayed together for three years only, she was later on divorced. God blessed them with two kids a girl and a boy. The girl was left heartbroken. The foundation of their marriage was not strong that's why it didn't last long. In every relationship you need to have a strong foundation or else it won't last long. She went back to her father's house with her children. The ex-husband wanted to take the children away from her. She refused because they were young and she wanted to raise her children herself. She didn't want her children to go through what she went through. At her father's house things didn't go well because he wasn't able to provide for her and her children. She went everywhere to look for a job so as to provide for her family. Looking for a job was not easy at all because she had no certificate. Everywhere she went the first thing they would ask her was her education. This made her feel so bad. She later on got a job as a cook. She was paid $3 daily, it wasn't enough but she was happy that she could provide for her children. She used to cook for builders who were building houses. The work was temporary as soon as the building complete there is no work. She later on got a job as a housekeeper. She worked well, her employer praised her a lot. She was a very hardworking lady. One evening as she was heading home. She got a call from someone and she was told that she was hired as a cook in a five star restaurant. Her main work is to cook for employees. Her basic salary was $150 dollars per month. She was so excited and thanked god for this blessing. When she reached home she gave this news to her family. Everyone was happy to hear this. ‘Hard work pays'
Today I couldn't stop smiling. You wanna guess why? Well you can say that I woke up on the right side of my bed or that I'm meeting a potential client who wants to invest in my work. As a fictional writer , I have met a lot of people who are good and it's a buzz kill especially when your sponsors tell you they have fresh talent off the boat to recruit. But today is great, and that's because I got a deal with a new sponsor. I guess I can only hope that he is bedazzled by my skills and after I'm going shopping. The weather's been getting bad but I know I'll get through it. My only consolation is that I can make it, no matter the hurdles life throws me. That's why, I KEEP SMILING 😊
The pandemic is outstretched and touched every country around the world. We have experienced a never before way of life.Governments had declared lockdowns to contain the spread of the virus.Even though,the lockdown is being lifted with certain restrictions,we prefer being indoors–since that's the best way to stay safe and no cure for the virus has been found. For me, staying indoors seemed quite alien.Hustling through each day, meeting deadlines,meeting clients- was how my everyday looked. Weekends were generally spent running household errands,spending time with family,meeting friends, movie dates, weekend trips etc. The organization I work for didn't have a Work From Home ('WFH') policy. Working remotely didn't seem to be an option until we were forced to do so. With the lockdown first being imposed for three weeks, it seemed to be fun!Like yes, WFH was happening - until reality hit! Due the lockdown,everybody (the entire family)was confined at home, movements restricted (we were allowed to leave home only for essentials). So now, 24X7 we were imprisoned within our homes–doing the household chores, fulfilling office duties, exercising, watching TV series, taking instagram challenges! Slowly, three weeks turned into months . Despite the lockdown, the number of corona cases were on a rise & extending the lockdown wasn't an option. The effects of the lockdown were visible–people were loosing their jobs & unemployment was on a rise, the lower income group were hard pressed for essentials & above all the economy was crippling. On a personal front, WFH was becoming daunting. Extended work hours, unending household chores, depressing news only lead to increased stress and anxiety. Phew! Now we were tired. So many questions and no answers - When and how would all this get over?Will it even get over ?Would WFH be the new normal?When would we travel? I could feel a silent pressure building on me & had begun to overthink. With nowhere to go & so much to do–I realised all that I could do is to to make peace with the situation and live everyday & let go of what I couldn't change. Letting go for me was a big challenge But yes, it had to be done. But how? Firstly,I had to change my way of thinking and let go of how situations should be and accept how they are.I had to be right here in the present moment.But again, how do I do that? I started reading to look for answers.Here's what I found: 1.Happiness isn't something you find outside yourself but within yourself, create for yourself. We humans confuse material things with happiness – “Oh! I'll be happy if I travel to Spain next summer” or “eating pizza in that restaurant makes me really happy” and the list can be endless.Happiness isn't the byproduct of something,if something/someone is the basis of your happiness,you'd never be happy.Embrace whatever you have – like it is a gift to you. 2.Get up in morning,get ready, not to impress anybody else, but yourself. Give yourself the credit for your little achievements. Don't seek validation from anybody.You are your first priority & your best friend & worst enemy. 3.Enjoy the little things you do with your family–eating meals together, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, cooking etc. Having somebody to rely on and confide in is a blessing. 4.Exercise everyday, take care of yourself, eat healthy and nutritious food. Attend to yourself religiously, like you would attend to your family, friends, work. 5.There is a positive in everything that happens. Respond to situations and not react. Being nice to people when they are rude to you is strength and not weakness. How did I imbibe what I learnt– 1.I try to contribute & support with the household chores and errands to the extent possible. Many times,I don't feel like doing these, but, the mind needs to be persuaded. 2.I miss eating outside–but I'm grateful for food on my table & I have never missed a meal. 3.Disagreements within the family will always happen since everyone has a different perception of things. But we need to respect each others decision and live in harmony. 4.With a drop in pollution levels, nature is at it's best.Birds are chirping and the skies are clear. The empty roads with trees alongside and colorful flowers scattered were a sight to behold. COVID taught us–when humans disrespect nature, nature will surely come back to us & there isn't a better testimony to it. 5.With unemployment levels rising, I'm grateful for having a job. Given an opportunity to work,is a privilege and not to be taken for granted. These are but small things and we don't need a pandemic to learn them. Happiness comes in simpler things.Unlearning old ways to isn't easy – but once life lessons are learnt,these are here to stay forever. To quote Albert Einstein “In the midst of every crises, lies great opportunity.” Human spirit is indomitable & in times of crises we rise to the occasion and bounce back with renewed vigor & better wisdom.
I've always been creative and loved making something with my own hands. My speciality was handmade cards, that everyone was just delighted with. I made them in a unique way - I probably put in them more of my childlike soul than I could bear. Everyone always said that my postcards have some kind of special power to instantly warm the soul and cheer up the person. People valued them more than any other purchased postcard or gift, which gave me great pleasure. It was more than just a hobby for me - I lived by it. While making a postcard, I always imagined how joyful the person I would give it to would feel. But at some point it all had stopped. I was involved in professional sports and I didn't have enough time for anything extra. It coincided with me being in my teens, so, naturally, I was not thinking about the design and contents of postcards. My head was occupied with myself and my future. This year, around mid-March I was in extreme anxiety because of a summative assignment of mine in physics. Why was I agitated? Because I was in 10th grade, which meant that I was just a year away from college enrollment and I ought to have excellent grades for my GPA. At that fertile days when life was in full swing, streets were changing from buoyant to sleepy, but have never stopped, my thoughts were the same, same mad and incessant. My head was stuck with a myriad of “to do” lists. My life was in a constant motion and rush that I even forgot to keep contact with my relatives that I don't see that often. It can be bizarre, but my neighbors are my relatives: my grandma, uncle, auntie and little cousin who live just a floor above. Unbeknownst to me, I stopped caring about people close to me like I did in childhood, when I wanted to make everyone happy. All of a sudden, everything changed. My uncle suddenly got sick and despite our high hopes, he was diagnosed with COVID-19 and there was no room for him in the hospital. He was told to go to IVs every morning and isolate himself from everyone. Fortunately, their family had just bought a new apartment, a floor below ours, and my uncle moved in there so as not to infect his family. Thus, he was left all alone, sick, in a freshly bought, unequipped and lonely apartment. My uncle is a very reserved man by nature. If I ever ask him how he is doing and add a multitude of emojis to the message, he would reply with a dry "I'm okay" at best, but in most cases he simply may not answer. Therefore, when he fell ill, no matter how much I texted him, he wouldn't answer, since he was far from the phone. At those dreadful moments I didn't think about anything except my uncle. I didn't know how to help him. I felt like a child again with a deep desire to somehow mitigate his pain, suffering and loneliness. And it was then that I remembered about my childhood passion - making special postcards that have the unique power to emotionally heal and make people feel warmth, thereby showing that I'm close, although, in fact, I'm not. So, I cooked my uncle's favorite dish, laid it out in different plastic food containers and pasted animal-shaped stickers with warm wishes on each one. Then I went downstairs to hang a bag of food on the front door handle and in a second I was already back home. I couldn't believe it, but the next day, when my mother brought the containers back, my stickers were still there, but on the adhesive side there was something scribbled down: “Thank you. I hope you will bring me lunch every day.” With a smiley face at the end. But I understood that it was not about food. Since then, every day has passed like this: I left notes on food containers for my uncle, but now I received the notes back with a grateful response, and I definitely felt warmth and reciprocity from them. Fortunately, my uncle recovered soon after. I felt that I recovered with him, namely, it seemed the deceased childlike part of me was reborn. Thanks to that child's innocence, eagerness to help, devoid of any anger and negativity, everyone smiled and felt their problems alleviated, even just for a moment. I realized that our fast evolving world tempts us to chase after everything new and trendy and beckons us with its mellifluous scent so that we set the wrong priorities in life and forget about the most important things. I now definitely know that I'll continue my special “business” of making my unique postcards and teach this extraordinary art to my children. Behind that childish hobby is hidden a true path to salvation from the present, which intoxicates us and makes us completely forget about past values. Thus, a sudden outbreak of a terrible disease, no matter how contradictory it may sound, saved both my uncle and me. It dawned on me that my WhatsApp messages would never be deposited in my uncle's head, but something will remain in his heart for life: he'll always remember my notes on food containers, endowed with hope for salvation and happiness.
Life is so uncertain, actually everything that happens is uncertain. Everything was going well like business, economy, works, exams and suddenly all things got paused because of small virus - corona virus/ covid-19. So my life during lock-down consist of happiness, sadness, loneliness, and ya was exhausting sometime. I got chance to learn so much new things and some moments were so stressful as well. Everything was going okay but one evening my dad received call from my uncle. He was having fever and was really sick. So he was planning to go Chitwan for further checkup and wanted my dad to go there from Kathmandu. Doctors referred to Hospitals of Kathmandu so they came here next day. Soon after they came various check ups were done and because of unknown reason there reports came late than expected period of time. We were really afraid what might happen now. We had already tested for covid-19 and fortunately results were negative. Still he was having continuous fever and cough. But soon his right part of the body like right legs, right hands were so weak that it was being hard for him to walk and eat as well as speak. Doctor said that physiotherapy can help so he started but time passed and no any improvement were seen. Everyone in the family were tensed. Nothing was working well. Business were shut down because of lock-down, uncles condition was getting worse, me and my sibling were at home since more than three months as colleges and schools were closed. Nothing was going good. Later report came and it was shocking for all of us. It was cancer. And soon they decided to go Delhi, India for further treatment- my dad, uncle and aunt.Despite the increasing cases of covid-19 and specially in India it was really a tough decision but getting scared and loosing life is really not an option. So we have to take risk sometime in hope that something good might happen. Somehow they manged tickets and went there. Currently they are in Delhi doing treatment. So this one of the most stressful period. During this period I also learned so many things. I always have been an introvert but I realized that we also need some social connection. Being around friend surely helps to uplift the mood though you don't like being with them all the time. I tried various recipes from You-tube and guess what they turned out to be good. So I decided to try painting as well and I soon realized it was not my cup of tea at all. Also I did various online courses on mental health and I am glad I did them. Learning about various things has always been my passion. And I am here trying my writing skills. I realized that various unexpected things happen. But we should have positive attitude within us to deal with those things. We have been so busy an we got free time to know our self in this lock-down period. So just explore thing and seeking for new things helps to please your soul and provide good vibes. It is really important to have balance in various things like work, family, relationship, etc. The time we got was really necessary to take a break from that tight schedule. I spend my day with family, talked about childhood of my parents, listened their stupid jokes, helped my siblings, tried things that I never could because of lack of time then. Sometime there were arguments but there were care and love hidden inside it. The bond with family became much more stronger though there were some arguments and all. We created special moments that will never be forgotten for rest of our lives. The unity and support was the most required thing because being lonely and not trying anything new can be really dangerous for my soul at least. So all those are my experience and opinion about the quarantine. There were good times, there were bad times. There were moments where all family used to sit in drawing room and laugh, forget everything that was happening. There were also moments where everything and everyone seemed to be blanked. There were time where I was learning new things and there were times when I was struggling with some old things. But what i think important is that I learned how to cope with all those things, how precious are the things that I used to take it for granted.I have learned to appreciate and also what i have learned is gratitude. Bad things will happen in life but what I believe is being positive is important. If you have any problem, seek help, try to trust your loved ones, believe in yourself, keep your faith in god and carry what you are doing if you believe that the things you know, is not harming yourself and others as well. Peace of mind, a good and correct information, patience, love, self-respect and hard-work are most powerful tools of life that I believe I sensed or we can say learned in this quarantine period. Now I am ready to tackle any problem with a smile though I would panic sometime and that would be completely okay cause I know I have people by my side and they always will be.
My heart used to pound at the thought of seeing them, my face would burn bright red and I would quickly lose my train of thought, I had ideas trapped in my head with no way to release them into the world, no way to bring them to life and let them control me. I wasn't quite sure if I have the right to feel or keep these thoughts in my frozen brain, everyone is looking at me waiting for my words to be told, I wasn't sure if they are ready to hear them but positive whispers get close to my ears telling me how unique my topic is, and even if my words hurt the truth must always be accepted by everyone. I was hoping to inspire my peers and take advantage of every second in every moment because we need every inch in life. I'm walking to the podium on the stage in the big room, my hands fluttering the papers clenched tightly between my fists, my voice shook and the words start coming out silently, slowly, and then perfectly. People actually care to know what I had to say except the haters"THE GROUP". The Group was there my heart starts to pull up, their eyes were directed to me and the speech was made for them, yes today is the day no more fear anymore. My memories start coming to my head, as they were recorded scene after another, how they used to bully other students, how they loved the idea of being the best RICH group in High school, a group where their requests considered as orders, no rejection no detention no restriction, We were stuck in their Crystal Maze. I started seeing and feeling the scene when I was studying so hard to get good grades, while the glitterati was having parties and leisure without bothering themselves to study anything because they are already in a straight A+ team no judgment no inquiry and no objection. And the saddest scene was when I was checking their Instagram and see how they were squandering money and traveling wherever they want with a huge amount of delicious food. I literally cried when I have seen this, especially when I have been tagged with an embarrassing naming. #Here's How Money BUYS You Happiness (WEIRDO NERD). looked in the sky and with an immersed tears I said: "Why money goes to this kind of people, isn't money made for those who need it, aren't we suppose to use it in an appropriate way, am I wrong as usual, I'm not saying give it to me God, I just wish that poor people get what they really deserve. I have never complained about anything God, I have always accepted all my struggles, problems, and the idea of not having parents or this amazing life, why them not someone else?" Yes, my speech was a bunch of harsh memories but the good thing is that I get used to it, because I'm finally graduating and I have learned a lot of beautiful lessons. The only thing I regret is the way I talked to God about stupid things, that I thought it is going to bring me happiness. I started giving my last words, suddenly something has sparked my interest, it was actually a girl who was crying during my speech, I realized that she was a reflection of my feelings and my thoughts that I was too afraid to say too blind to notice that world is listening and too deaf to hear my own voice. I wanted to end this speech but after seeing her I knew that she was a victim of self-esteem problems because of some stupid people; so I decided to go for some additional spiritual words that were not in my speech. I wanted to remind them all, that we can shake mountains with our minds by sharing our ideas to change the world into a better place where everyone is equal. because I believe that every individual has a valuable opinion but it takes Drive and Confidence to express it. These were my last words in High school where I finally had the chance to express and release what had always made me sad and uncomfortable. After one year, 2020 had knocked our doors, I finally went to college, at the beginning we all thought that it is going to be another perfect year full of success and happiness where we will see same people traveling, celebrating, and working to get more. but life, as usual, keeps surprising us with a long rest from humans, but no one knows till when... Last month I got horrible news from my friend, she told me that the RICH GROUP that used to bully us, is in the hospital right now and Adam had died, and the reason is one of their friends gets affected by the virus and he transmitted the infection to everyone in the group. I did not know what to say whether to feel sad or happy about what happened to them, but the day when they have tagged me to see how much money can bring happiness was one of the toughest moments that I have experienced in my life? A great lesson had been taught that day because I've realized that nothing lasts forever and no matter what can money bring, always put hope in other things as they say: "a small leap of faith has made all the difference". ask yourself this question always: It is right that money brings happiness but TILL WHEN?
I opened the email and scanned it anxiously, confirming my worst fears. My place of work was closing “indefinitely”, as so many were, due to Covid 19 concerns. My thoughts about the quarantine in that moment: "It couldn't have come at a worse time." We'd been together a few years and had decided just eight months ago to sell our collective houses and buy a new home together, away from the city. A fresh start, out in the country, we thought. It sounded lovey. Months later, we found it. A 125 year old farmhouse, recently renovated, on 3 acres of land. Set at the end of a dead-end road, it was surrounded by farms and far from the city. I would have to commute about an hour, but it seemed worth it. We arranged to see it and fell in love with it the moment we stepped from the car. We bid on it, and in a whirlwind of inspections and appointments, scarcely three weeks later it was ours. Over the next six months I became increasingly disenchanted with my commute. The major highways leading to my job in the city began construction, increasing my commute to an hour and a half each way. The stressful drive began to take it's toll on me. The house itself was lovely, I thought, from the limited time I managed to spend in it. It seemed I was never at home anymore. My cat became withdrawn, intimidated by the new surroundings, new person, and the fact that I was suddenly gone for most of the daylight hours. My round trip commute occasionally exceeded 3 hours. We would rise before the sun and sit on one of our three porches with coffee as daylight broke over the meadow, trying to spend some quality time together. I would sometimes get a glimpse of a deer or rabbits, but then it was time to get ready for work. Evenings I would be stressed from the city traffic, and too exhausted to appreciate our tranquil surroundings. I needed a vacation, but my job at the restaurant was in full swing, and I couldn't take any time off. Suddenly, my assistant quit. My job started calling me on my precious days off, asking me to come in and texting me multiple times a day. It seemed I couldn't escape from work. With my lay-off, things changed. At first I was anxious, but some long talks with my partner, coupled with meditative walks, soothed my nerves. Unemployment came through, after only a few weeks. We were going to be OK. We spent our mornings together, drinking coffee on the porch, watching the wildlife wander through the meadow. I was able to relax more than I had in over a year. I planted a huge vegetable garden to help defray our food cost - we are both vegetarians. I built a fence around it to keep out the deer, and the physical activity combined with a sense of accomplishment bolstered my self-esteem. We landscaped our new property together, planting trees and hedges, and marveled at the spring flowers popping out all over. We had no idea of the beauty spring would bring to our new home. It was breathtaking! In April everything was covered in shades of purple...wisteria draped all over our trees at the edge of the woods, and wild violets ran amok. Daffodils and irises from years gone by sprang up everywhere, waking from their winter slumber, cheerfully greeting the sun. The bees buzzed happily in the clover. Nature was unconcerned with the pandemic. The more time I spent outside, the less anxious I became. The fruit trees planted long ago started blooming. It was amazingly beautiful! Crab apples and peach trees blossomed everywhere, a riot of pink and white flowers everywhere you looked. My partner sat on a bench under the blooms and played his guitar and sang to me. It is a memory I will treasure forever. Every day while roaming our new property, we made new discoveries, as spring unearthed the secrets of our land. We have fig trees, apples, peaches, walnuts, pecans, and wild blackberries. We take long walks every night, down our quiet country road. I started writing a novel, set up outside on my favorite porch. I've spent the last month writing and dreaming, gazing across the meadow. I can hear strains of music coming from the upstairs window of my partner's studio as he practices. It's lovely. I feel blessed. We're visited daily by a family of deer, come to eat the fallen crab apples. Rabbits are everywhere, big and small, chasing each other in the yard. Occasionally, as I sit and write, I'll spot wild turkey, skunk, groundhogs, possums... once, even a coyote. I take pictures when I can. Mostly, I revel in the nature all around me. I reflect on the gift that's been granted to me... to spend time with my partner and appreciate this amazing place. I think about the timing; the pandemic and lock down, occurring in our first spring at our new house. My thoughts about the quarantine at this moment: "It couldn't have come at a better time."
The world was mad at me, or so I had thought. My selfish mindset taught me the world had been waiting for generations upon generations to release its rage upon me. I became blind to the idea that I, of all people, was filled with ego. Through the moments I noticed this within me I felt as if I was allowed to feel this way, more than anyone. The universe knew every particle of my being, the good and the bad, and knew how to play my strings perfectly to slowly kill my thoughts. I was a robot. I self-destructed more than anyone and denied that it was me doing it. I procrastinated until I couldn't anymore, I grabbed things no thirteen-year-old should grab. Imagine what you will. I wanted boys to seek me, to pursue me. I still do. I crave the idea of having the slightest bit of attention and I break when someone does not laugh at my joke. I would break when things did not go my way and when there was no reason to break at all. The world was no longer the world I was in but much more of a living hell. I was burnt to crisp and would drive myself insane. I was broken and torn to pieces and I blamed no one but the universe. It hated me, it had to. My father would say things without thinking and it drove me to insanity. My mother was at work too much. I questioned my life too often. I could not imagine a future. I liked falling asleep but I could never do it right. Nightmares were less scary than the world I was living in. Happiness made me feel inferior, normal. I accepted the universe's destiny for me. I had it the worst. One day, another day, and another had passed. The sun began to shine and the moon would glow. My dog would lick my face and this time I did not push him away. My brother said hi to me first when he came home. I went to therapy. I described my life “as an elevator, rather than hills. When I get hurt I start at a floor and get shot down”. She understood me. I would go to the mall and play truth or dare. I spent cold autumn nights going to football games and Starbucks and to the new taco place in town. I found new music and I went to concerts. I began to give more hugs, take more pictures. I licked the snow, I made hot chocolate, and burnt my tongue way too often. I wore Christmas pajamas. I wore dresses to school. I wore whatever I wanted to wear. I held babies and played with kids. I smiled at strangers; Sometimes I would beat my anxiety and talk to them. Once I met a girl in the clearance section in Old Navy, she wants to go to space one day. Traveling made me smile, made me feel small. I was no longer the center of the universe, but an ant in the distance. Rollercoasters were never scary, but thrilling. I enjoyed the pit you get in your stomach once you fall from the peak of the ride, almost relieved. I noticed the feeling you get when you shave your legs and go under the sheets. The feeling of wearing clothes that were fresh out of the drier was a whole new world. I went to lakes and ran barefoot in the grass, the blades were soft and muddy feet were the least of my worries. I kept pennies I found on the ground. I woke up on time on weekdays and slept in late on Saturdays. I went to church often. I would notice the feeling of not being able to breathe from laughing too hard. The glisten in your eyes when you are so happy you could cry. I made new friends and rekindled hope with the old ones. I started putting my pieces together. I picked up my own broom. For months this period went on and I felt as if I had it the worst at one point; the ignorance I painted over my eyes blinded me. Months became the last few seconds of my innocence. I heard the door shut and my eyes opened to the ear-piercing sound of my brother wailing. I questioned him, “What happened?”, the question echoes in my mind to this day. Life as I had known it had ended, slowly but all at once. The climax of the fight scene, right when the last thing you would have expected was for the protagonist to get knocked down yet again. But that's when I realized- I wasn't the protagonist- or the antagonist. I was someone different in everyone's stories. But all stories come to an end. Esther's story ended, but she was still a light in mine. She was the sun that began to shine and the moons glow and the flickering of the morning stars. I suddenly realized that at thirteen, I thought it could not have been worse. I became a much quieter version of myself and fell back into pitiful habits I thought I had once lost. I hated myself for it. I was no longer scared of the future but stuck in the present. The sun no longer woke me up in the mornings, the moon was small looking and frail. The night sky seemed empty and the world was massive. Life was no longer living, but struggling to be alive. Feelings were no longer felt, but hoped for. Hope was fragile and small but still flickered in dark rooms. I no longer licked the snow, or wore Christmas pajamas. But: One day, another day, and another had passed. *in loving honor of Esther Morgan
Today, I will be sharing a story about my 3-months-best-friend who you may have also known from my previous writing 'A Bittersweet Letter To My Sherlock'. He used to be my crush for a very short amount of time since I misinterpreted my feelings towards him. I genuinely thought he liked me and I took a risk and told him every single piece of thought going through my mind without filtering anything, I opened up about my feelings. It was a mistake but maybe it was not cause now we are so close and tell each other every detail ongoing in our lives and today, he just told me that I'm his bestest friend. I felt honored. And sad. Somehow, I am deeply sad. It's actually funny for me to feel that way because I was so sure about being friends with him, I really enjoy his presence and his friendship and I wanted it so badly to continue this way. Apparently, I was not as satisfied or happy as I thought. Especially today, when he mentioned me as his best friend and told me how perfect I am and the way he showed his appreciation towards me through messages and stickers, it broke some pieces inside me. I was shocked by myself cause I HAD TO be happy with what he said. To be honest, I became a little happy but what I felt in reality had much more in it than pure happiness. I still feel the hole inside me after I heard the words 'best friend' and the worst part is I know this situation is not even worthy of thought. I know exactly where we stand and where should we be standing in the future. I know he is never going to see me as what I see him as now because for him, this is the best stage of a relationship between me and him. There is no further scenarios nor theories, no other feelings except the friendly ones. Even if he does feel something, I know he is going to throw it away like nothing cause that's what he had done in our very first talking. He told me I was so good but that we didn't belong to each other, these were his own, sincere words. Nothing changed as I see. I gave myself a promise that I would no longer get into this kind of mess and I'm going to hold onto my word. It's not going to be easy pretending I'm not that sad everytime he mentions a girl he meets, it is never going to be easy to think how we could have ended up differently and it is going to hurt so badly when he will soon find the girl he's constantly looking for right next to me. I will feel so happy for him because that's what gonna make him feel completed and what is going to lead him to final happiness of his. Because that's what friends do. And I'm his best friend.
I am surrounded by lots of people, yet I am a very lonely person. What do I mean by that? Let me explain. Imagine you have lots of colorful pens and you want to draw a picture, you want to create something spectacular. You try each of them but neither of them contributes to that one single drawing you want to make. They are all pretty and unique in their own way but don't help that much on you to enhance your drawing. You end up getting a lovely picture but not a very special one. Because all the pens you use are pretty similar to each other and doesn't match the ideal coloring you want to see on your paper. You create art but it doesn't satisfy you the way it should be. It is a similar situation I encounter with people. Like the pens, people are all different and may all be distinguished from each other by a variety of specialties but they don't help me to get through life, they are only here for today and sometimes they are not even there for me. They are not in the big picture, they assume me as some kind of a safe place to go and some sort of friend who they can always rely on and trust no matter what. I am such a great friend; keeping secrets, checking up to see if they are okay when I am actually not doing well myself, giving advices, encouraging them for their goals, making time for their countless problems and solving sessions, being happy with them and getting depressed with them. Sometimes I can't even feel like myself, I become a shadow of the person I am willing to help. This is killing me and the sad part is, I am well aware of that however I do nothing to fix it. I just watch how I get drowned every single day instead. Having friends doesn't mean you are social. Getting too much likes and comments on your posts only make you happy for a few seconds, then they are all gone. Chatting through messages doesn't help you to become more confident, it just confines you into a big deep hole. You can't get to know people through social media. You can only see a much better version of them which is a plastic and unreal coverage. They wanted to be approved so badly that they almost become strangers to theirselves. In conclusion of all of these, it saddens me to see that the amount of time I'm wasting on people equals to my lifetime I should have been spending on myself. It saddens me even more when people just take it for granted and start behaving like I owe them my time. I owe nothing to anyone but myself. I owe myself self appreciation and love for what I did for people. Because I could be a douche just like some of the people around me and didn't care about anything if it did not affect me in some way. But instead, I chose to be kind and lonely. I realized it had much more in it than to be a self-centered person. And for that, I'm proud of myself. I finally noticed that the art I create with pens is just a vision and the idea behind the drawing is much more meaningful than the drawing itself. So the people who come and go in my life are just the visitors of my exhibition and the real artist is me for giving them the chance to look at it. Being lonely is not bad when you know your own worth. In case it is a good thing for opening up spaces for you to come along and take a look at what you've done, it helps you to see you, to be more you. I recommend every single person to take a step back and see what they are capable of. Because once you see, you are going to start looking for no pens to create your drawing; you are only going to use your own colors and this will be enough.
Life can get in the way, you can lose yourself in what seemed like “marriage” was just a travesty. Making everything about them and after years of being pushed down, submitting to what you thought was love. Love doesn't take you for granted, it doesn't make you feel inferior, or forgotten, with no human kindness. Losing yourself in a whirlwind of self-loathing, being unseen. Nothing to lose after you have lost everything, so long from the realization that this is not who and what you want to be. Broken, but not departed, desperate for your life that was lost, never forgotten. Nothing is more powerful than the words on your wedding day, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.” Magical words, wanting to be apart of something special, powerful, partners, best friends, lovers for life. It was good for a while, but then things changed a little at first, but it began to gain momentum, faster and faster until you are looking at yourself in the mirror of your heart, of your soul and you don't recognize yourself. Words are powerful, they do not cut you, bruise you, make you bleed, but the scars are there and eventually, they break you down, make you submit. Then distrust comes billowing in like a hurricane. It comes in waves of anger, that is when your mear tears become oceans that flow through your eyes, your heart, draining you of every thought, every piece of happiness. But you still fight for your marriage, even though you know deep inside of yourself that he's the one that is dishonest, fake, a cheat. And finally, through all this hate, despair, and pain you see your life for what it is almost nonexistent. You gain the realization that this is not what you wanted, you wanted a healthy, happy partnership with someone that is a man, not a self-centered, self-absorbed, selfish child, that isn't happy unless he is demeaning, dreadful and cruel. You deserve better, you want better, you need better because you are a loving, caring, affectionate woman, wanting back what you give. Yearning for physical touch, affection, caring, love, is that unattainable? It isn't, it's out there for anyone that loves themselves enough not to settle for less in everything. So you fight one evening to the point of exhaustion and you see it as clear as the falling rain, you are done. Declaring it's over, you want a divorce, no more! As if the weight on your soul lifts and the floodgates open up and you mourn for your heart, your soul, the person that you used to be. Because you are changed, you have evolved from this shadow of the person that you were, into someone so new that you haven't a clue how to find out about who you really are. Like a phoenix that will rise out of the flames and ashes, maintaining possession of all that is good and beautiful about you. Don't allow your heart to turn to stone, your soul to flee, your love is still apart of who you are, at no time giving up on the possibility of finding love. Now almost a year later and things have changed in ways you never thought were possible, where there was pain there is now strength, where there were tears there is laughter, where there was an empty feeling there is now a sense of fullness. You have not felt this way in so many years, you are free in all sense of the word. Never looking back, but aware of what had transpired. Knowing God has a plan for you, all you have to do is listen, follow the path that was planned for you. Finding someone that is amazing, caring, supportive, giving you what you need even when you aren't quite sure that you need it at the time. Getting to know him and just have fun and laugh is such a precious gift that I am eternally grateful for. You are following your dreams and you are growing and learning every day something useful, with meaning. Knowing that you are right where you are supposed to be, and it is elating. Don't look back, the past is in the past and it does not matter, it's irrelevant because you have so much to look forward to in the days to come, the months, the years the future is vast with so many possibilities. This is what true happiness is, you only have to make the choice and grab it with both hands never letting go. I look forward to every tomorrow and what will happen every day, life is good you only have to search around you and you will find it in the most mundane things. Those are the things that make incredible memories that you can hold on to for a lifetime, the pain and despair can seem bigger than life, but you are wrong all you have to do is be open to the light. You will see it in the beauty of every day, looking at nature around you, hearing the birds sing, honey bees buzzing, lizards sunbathing. Seeing it in the night sprinkled with stars and the moon is looking at you bathing in its iridescent beams. I am the life of the forgotten, and I will rise like a phoenix because it is meant to be, I am free.