Being an Asian daughter comes with a heavy responsibility—especially in a country where few invest in their daughters' education. But my parents are my heroes. Despite the discouragement they faced from others, they chose to believe in me. They invested in my future and gave me an opportunity that not every girl receives. Because of that, I carry the pressure of making them proud. I'm 17 now, and it's time for me to apply to universities. My parents dream of seeing me study at a top international institution. Since my early teens, I've dedicated myself to that dream—working day after day to prepare for competitive college admissions. Unfortunately, despite all the effort, I didn't get accepted into my dream schools: Harvard, Stanford, and UPenn. The day I received those rejections, I felt completely worthless—like I had failed as a daughter. My parents had high hopes for me, and I couldn't live up to them. They hoped I would score at least an 8.0 on the IELTS, but I got a 7. They wanted me to achieve a 1500+ on the SAT, but I scored 1430. They wished to see me win Olympiads, but I placed 4th for three consecutive years. It's hard not to feel like I've never been enough. That I've never done enough. Sometimes, the pressure and disappointment feel unbearable for a 17-year-old girl. Still, I'm trying. I'm thriving, despite everything. And to be clear: my parents are not strict—they are deeply supportive. That's what makes it harder. Their belief in me is unwavering, and because of that, I often feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. Now, I'm applying for government funding, since I've been accepted to a top-200 global university without a scholarship. This feels like my last chance. If it doesn't work out, I don't know what's next. I just know I am giving it everything I have. One thing is clear, all I want is achieve my goals, dreams despite any obstacles and fails. WISH ME LUCK!
Hooray! End of the exam week! I was feeling blissfully happy that unwelcomed exams finished. As usual, we started dancing to our favorite songs with the girls as we have just finished 20-day exams. There was an announcement on the radio: we are going home for a holiday! It was such good news for all of us. The holiday was planned to be for a week or so. Nobody even thought that it would take months to come back to school. I grabbed my stuff, including clothes and my favorite book "Aleph" and then went to the amphitheater with my sister for waiting for our taxi to arrive. We spent a week at home and were getting ready to continue our studies. But then, some tragedic news... The virus that started to spread in Wuhan was also recorded in my country and for that reason, Uzbekistan has also declared a quarantine. Everybody was shocked. The government was encouraging people to stay at home, not to shake hands, and to wear masks. Daily products in stocks were being sold rapidly and more and more people who were facing poverty were having tragedic times. My family was frightened even though we had money to survive because that virus was taking the lives of people who had comorbidities. I have a grandpa, who had had two heart surgeries and it was predicted that those kinds of people would not recover from Covid-19. Knowing about that, my brother, who was studying for his Master's Degree in the field of Anesthesiology and Reanimatology in Tashkent, decided to come back home to look after him. He was considered the only one at home who could go out and buy items without being infected. Everything was going smoothly at home, we were having online lessons on Zoom and telegram and all my family members were safe and sound. But my brother, Bunyod, was thinking of working at the Central hospital for infected patients from Covid-19 in Tashkent. When he told his plan at the family gathering, my grandma started crying because she didn't want to send her son where everybody was suffering. She was afraid that her son might also get infected. He started to explain that it was his duty to serve the population when there is a disease, he has taken the Hippocratic Oath and was now feeling guilty because he was at home while hundreds of people were dying. However, my daddy who was in Dubai at that moment encouraged him to do what his heart was willing. Then my brother took the first flight to Tashkent and got an occupation there. He sent us a photo of him. He was in a disposable protective suit, covering all parts of his body, even his face. As soon as he got there, he began working with all his effort, doing his best for protecting human lives. He was in an area where some people were hopelessly waiting for their destiny, where others were crying, craving for their children and family. It was a dramatic scene, an unbearable situation for each of us. Not every doctor could do this, some of them were caring about themselves and their lives while some of them were sacrificing it. My brother was that kind of brave doctor. He didn't lose himself, grabbed his courage, and was ready to face any upcoming challenge. Unfortunately, while he was striving for human lives, my grandpa got infected at home. The virus had already taken the 70% of his lungs. Doctors in Urgench were telling us that he cannot handle this, it is absolutely hopeless to cure him. But my hero brother as a perfect child brought grandpa to his working place. Grandad was lacking air, oxygen, and his blood pressure was extremely low, he could not even speak as a result of the pain! Brother was always monitoring and recording his temperature, saturation, and the food he was eating. He was doing the same for all the patients! Most of the days, he had no sleep, and no balanced nutrition, but still, he was able to work with such potential. My father Pulat, who was in quarantine in Dubai, immediately found a way to come back and help his brother. He is not a doctor but is a responsible and golden child. He was infected by this virus twice in Dubai while working in an airport, helping people to go back to their homes. Even after that, he was still fearless and went to the hospital daily, providing medicine and injections for grandad even if he was not able to get inside the hospital. After so many healings, grandad started to recover, he was so thankful for all the kindness and prayed for them both. Almost a month later grandad recovered and was transferred to another hospital to continue the healing. The professors who told us that it was impossible were amused, I guess they still say it was just luck. Yet, there is the result of hard work, there is a possibility in impossibility, there is always hope and there are people who are courageous to face difficulties, who can sacrifice anything just because people are suffering. There is power in a promise, in a sware. There are real heroes in life. And that hero is my brother. His name is Dr. Bunyod.
Four years ago. I remember this feeling. Tired, empty, solemnly cupping my shins in a bathtub stained with blood rivered from my wrists. Although I'm not self harming, I completely remember the pain and emptiness inside. That need for purpose. I honestly assumed that by virtue of following my passion and carving out my dreams into reality, I would get rid of this feeling I find myself in. While 2014 became a turning point in my life, making the decision to live for myself and not for the joys of everyone else around me, I'm back at in the same space, just a different context. Early 2018, and my emptiness comes from giving my career for everyone but me, to take responsibility. Owning my autonomy comes with owning my responsibility. Right now, I am where I am career wise based on my actions. Many things that inform where I am not, is based on me not acting on my talent or my goals. Things based on fear to starting. All of this is my fault - which is honestly the best news for me. Seeing that I am the cause of my unhappiness, I can also be the cause of my own fulfillment. I just need to own my responsibility in owning my space. This is what both makes me powerful as a human, and vulnerable. My responsibility in self is me determining that I am the master of my own destiny. I am the sole person that I get angry or frustrated with - and I find myself mirroring that with other people due to my lack of ownership. However, now I know. My inner self was only asking for me to stop creating mirrors out of others and face an actual mirror and see power within me. I fully understand why I moved from the space I was in to where I am now, and how my feeling of emptiness is not translating into a bloodied bathtub but rather a moment of stillness and self introspection in my journal. I am aware that I have transitioned into more healthier practices of mental healthcare, but the larger picture is being fully accountable of my life. This is the only currency to realizing your dreams.
