The Letter I Will Never Post

I had completely submitted myself to my fate: that of hopeless, endless mundanity. Maybe I might've been sad thinking about it at some point in time; I remember ninth and tenth grade being particularly bad times. I was struggling with depression while reconciling with the loss of my grandmother and the grief that our family was dealing with in its aftermath. I saw my parents talk about finances and felt the financial insecurity seeping into my poor self-worth and I couldn't shirk off the feeling that I was a burden on them. It was painful having to live with myself. Since it was an academically testing time as well, I'd get into fights about my career with my parents often. I don't know why I blamed myself so much for anything that my family went through, but somehow, I'd trace it all back to me. I hated myself. I didn't want myself, and so I couldn't imagine anyone else wanting me either. Now that I see you struggling with your own self-esteem, with the cognizance of my love for you, I can imagine how losing me wouldn't just have been guilt-evoking for my parents. It would have been devastating. Now, because of you, I see the damage I could've done by robbing my loved ones the chance of loving me if I had actually given into my self-sabotage impulses a couple of years back. Because now I know what it means to have the privilege to love someone- unconditionally. You have an interesting name. Like, so simple and common, but it weirdly fits in with your persona. Simple, with unexplored depths and complexities. I swear I don't mean to romanticize you, and I didn't mean to oversimplify you. I don't think that's possible for anyone, especially not you. You confound me. Excite me. Calm me. Inspire me. You are everything I've ever wanted but didn't have the guts to ask the Universe for. Guess, the Universe is also too kind, like you. I'm not delusional about the downs of the path ahead of us. Or the possibility of reality hitting in sometime. In fact, I'd much rather go through shit with you than bliss with anyone else. When you're away, I get terrified sometimes, worrying about you. I'll admit, I think of some grim scenarios. I have considered asking you your blood type casually in a conversation, just so in the most unfortunate of scenarios, I'm not a mere spectator to losing the most important person in my life. I'm a terrible person for thinking of things like that, too. Oh, but I love you just so much. I really mean it when I ask you to eat and sleep well. I hope you're taking care of your fruit intake. 9 out of the 10 times, talking to you, listening to you, hearing you laugh, admiring you in all your aliveness, is the highlight of my day. You've not only uplifted my standards for another person by being you, but you've also redefined what my happiest space looks like. You are so special to me. Even though I tell you that its an objective for me to have you believe it, I still don't think words or my limited articulation skills will ever be good enough to allow you to understand and experience just what you mean to me. I'll keep trying nevertheless. This reminds me that I have an entire folder of quotes on my computer, titled in your name with the choicest of quotes that remind me of you, or ones that I'd address to you. Then, obviously, there's stuff about you in my diary. And then there's every single thing that I conjure about you every day. With every passing moment, I get more and more sure about you. About your perfection. About us. I still don't want to hustle, except I only want us to not hustle together. I still would like things to go slow, except I'd like to do them slowly- with you. For every time I've denied wanting or needing, I want you. So bad. A year without you and the years preceding you were enough for me to know that I want to be selfish this one time and exclaim that I need you, unabashedly. You are my best friend, my favorite confidant, the only person who syncs with my weird overtures, who puts up with all of the things that I throw up on you (literally also). You are the best part of my life, and without you, I'm lost. Without you, I'm forgotten by my own self. I've always chastised people who focus too much on superficial or physical qualities. However, even my most rational side can't deny that there is an unexplained attraction that I feel towards you. It's like my inner peace is manifested in my body in the physical comfort that I feel when I'm with you. It's novel and magical. Like, I want to be absolved within you. Completely surrounded by you and only you. Feel you around me wherever I go and then feel you after you leave. I never want to be without you, ever. As I said, you're my home. And it feels like I've been looking for you all my life.

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