Trust Not Found

She needs to trust me. I'm telling the truth. “Wait!” I shout, as I follow my friend -well, we were friends 1 minute ago- who barged out the door. She continues to ignore me, acting as if i'm not desperately trying to get her attention so we can sort things out. I walk faster in the school halls, letting my feet go after her. She needs to understand that I wasn't lying. Everything I told her was and still is true. Besides, she just finished telling me 2 minutes ago how much she hates the other girl, and now she believes her and not me? I take another big step forward and grab her shoulder, trying to stop her from walking away from the problem. She wrenches her arm away from me. “I didn't lie,” I tell her, my hands fumbling with my lunchbox but my eyes searching her face. “I wouldn't do that.” “I don't believe you, I believe her,” my friend says. I'm getting the hint that we aren't friends anymore. It's messed up how just a few minutes ago, we were. “You have to understand that I wouldn't lie about that and especially not to you,” I say quickly, rushing what I have to say so she doesn't decide to simply leave. “She would confess if she did talk bad about me like you said,” she responds, her fierce eyes piercing into mine. “But I never said she was talking bad about you. I said I heard her talking with the other girl and that she always talks about you.” I look behind me to make sure no one else can overhear our conversation. “You don't have to believe me if you want but i'm telling the truth-” “I can tell when she's lying. And she wasn't,” she says, hatred and envy clear in her voice. I want to tell her that she's making a mistake. I want her to know that I would never lie to her. I care about her like good friends are supposed to. I want to go back to how our friendship was less than 5 minutes ago. But I can't. But why doesn't she trust me? Before I get the chance to say something, she speaks up. “I'm leaving.” Her tone is plain, dry and dismissive. I stutter, all alone, as I watch her walk away from me, not even bothering to say goodbye. Yesterday she texted me and wrote that she loves me, in the way that friends do, of course. I wonder if she feels the same way I do when we text, smiling nonstop, overwhelmed with joy that she actually cares about me, And filled with warmth as I fully realize that we are truly good friends. Now today, I feel the total opposite of that. I feel empty and cold inside, sad yet angry at the same time, trying to figure out who's fault this is. I sigh, forcing myself to hold back my tears. I shift my mood and head to the other room, acting as if everything is normal and I didn't just lose someone I deeply care about. When I arrive home, I decide to text her, careful of my choice of words: “Hey u don't have to believe me but I hope yk that I was telling the truth. I wouldn't ever lie to u, cuz I actually care. I'm always here whenever u want to talk tho. Bye and see u tmr ig” Holding my breath, I rethink whether it was worth sending that. I know her well enough that whenever she's angry at someone, nothing good is going their way. I want to unsend it, the rush of uncertainty I'm getting is too much. What if she's laughing at my text right now, showing everyone and thinking of how much of a pathetic fool i'm acting like now? It's too late to go back though. Days, weeks even, pass by and still, no reply. I know for sure, she saw the text but I try to make myself believe that maybe she didn't see it. Maybe she forgot to answer back., or she's sleeping, or her phone died? It's becoming less and less likely though, as time goes by. I'm still holding on tightly to the thread of hope that we can become friends again. But it seems to me as if she doesn't care the slightest and has already moved on, as I watch her sit with a girl she once told me she hates with all her soul. I feel as though she needs me more than she thinks and she'll soon realize. But once again, I find myself questioning if it's really the other way around. Frequently, the good and precious memories we have made together, flood my head. I wonder how she's feeling right now, about all of this between her and I. Us hugging, texting, talking, laughing until our stomachs hurt. I wonder if it will ever be like that again, and if it could, will she let it, will she give our friendship another chance? It's her choice since I know very well that I'd run straight back to her the moment she allows it. It's always on and off with everyone i've ever met, I wonder when it will just stay on. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. I wonder when she'll come back to me, back in my life and we can be friends again, true friends since I never seem to be able to find or keep those. But for now, during our time apart that I'm not quite sure how long it will last or if it will ever even end... She needs to trust me. I'm telling the truth.

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Angell Kim

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Dallas, USA