Hello! My name is Seakling. I’m from Cambodia. I am a former student, majoring in International Studies (DIS) at Institute of foreign language of Royal University of Phnom Penh.

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My Heart in December

Dec 09, 2019 1 year ago

(4.12.2019) So winter is finally here! Back December again! Everyone seems to be so excited about it. The last month of the year is now here, and it is almost time for snow and Christmas celebration. To many people, it is probably the most beautiful and exciting time of the year since there are many pretty things to enjoy. Wah, It was just a 5 pm evening, yet it was dark like 10 pm. Days become shorter. I only have 2 more last weeks of classes for this semester! Time flies! I was walking to the bus stop from my school back to the dormitory. It was a cold season, no wonder why I was having so many layers of clothes. My bag was damn heavy since I just borrowed some thick books from the library. Of course, when it comes to Christmas, I thought of those final exams that are happily calling me. I was feeling so relieved after finishing those 2 presentations for today's class, since one of them was in the Czech language, and that one made me nervous since yesterday. Now I was finally done with school for today! I could not resist the beauty of the sky as I was on the way. Although it felt like 1 degree outside, I still love to take out my phone, capturing that sunset view. Check it out on my IG if you want to see!! On the bus, I was sitting on an empty seat for two people near the window, taking a good short rest while looking out at the city views. It usually takes me 15mn to arrive at the dormitory. I put on my headphone, playing “the house that built me” by Miranda Lambert. My eyes were caught with those small houses along the way which have already started lighting their Christmas tree and decorating their house. Those colorful, blinks and bright lights brought up my mood. Only Snow is missing, and it should be falling sometimes next week. Christmas lights and snows are perfectly matched. Those small lamps that usually lights up the road at night are probably no longer needed; those brighting pretty decorations of each house along the way are enough to lead everyone home. I was thinking to myself while seeing these. It reminds me of my house where I could always see these kinds of decorations on new year day. I remember mom putting those pretty lights on the front table, making a home even more beautiful at night. Anyway, I know my little brother would not stop messing up, not even the most beautiful things. Whether it is Christmas or new year, I miss those family gatherings, little talks, loud karaoke, and those sweet and funny conversations with mom and dad. While thinking of these, something came up to my ear “……If I could touch this place or feel it, the brokenness inside me might start healing, out here it's like I'm someone else, thought that maybe I could find myself……” It was my favorite lyrics! This feeling is so good, romantics, and sad. I wish after school I could arrive home just like others, seeing my family, eating mom's food, and hugging her as long as I can. I do wish for that. I wonder how they are doing. Imagine if one of those small houses is my family, imagine this is where I originally belong to, and imagine that tonight we are going to have a warm nice family dinner together despite the cold weather, this makes me feel so complete and warm. Can't wait to see you again, home. Make sure you make time for home dinner. Sending my love and misses to my family and everyone who is reading this!! Happy early merry Christmas, and happy new year



Nov 27, 2019 1 year ago

That heart-broken feeling, I haven't felt it for a while. But how does someone who is just a BEST FRIEND could bring me such a feeling back? What are we exactly? Friends, best friends, long-term friends, lovers, ex, or strangers? If we first started with friends to best friend, to lovers, to the ex, now isn't it a time to be strangers? Well, No. I cannot be sure of everything but one thing that I think I can be sure of is we will not become strangers unless we choose to be. Don't ruin such a long memory of friendship we had together just because one of us is in a relationship. Friendship is more important than the relationship, do you remember this? The words “Crushing” or “friend zone” are no longer match or exist to both of us. So what are we? Are you doing okay without me? I may not be that important to ask you such a question, right? You replaced me. You replaced us, and I'm not even trying to replace you. I don't even want to go through relationship again. You may think I hate or ignore you while trying to keep a distance from you, but hey, give me a little more time; I'm just trying my best to get healed and pick up those broken pieces of my heart. Don't feel guilty at all, just be happy! You didn't do anything wrong. I chose to get hurt by myself so that I can learn to heal. They said Love is beautiful and isn't pain. If someone is in pain because of love, then it isn't Love, it's just consequence of your need when it's not satisfied. Well, so I probably need you more than love you then. I get hurt because what I need isn't anymore belong to me. Your heart has changed, but I still hope you can remember our messy relationships since the first day you fell in love with me or if you don't, it's still fine. It always doesn't matter to a person who has choices, but I know you are way much better than those people. To be honest, you are the only person who get me suffer a lot. You always got enough reasons for me to break my heart. Since I got closer to you few years ago, since you told me every of your secret lovers, yeah, since then!! At that time, I thought although, I was not one of them, at least I could know what was going on in your heart. Because of that, I could bear with anything. You had no idea how I felt back then to watch you so in love with others. I was stupid that kept doing things that keep hurting me. It was, to me, a miracle that we turned out to be together for a while. I still can remember how flutters my heart was when you finally said you loved me too. I loved it when you cared, worried, missed and being so sweet to me. I had never seen you like that before. I wish we could be near like others. I thought I was a lucky one when you chose me out of many girls, yet you told me the same. But who know, this lucky wasn't enough for us! Winning a lottery still makes you broke. Someone said sometimes we meet the right one, but we let them go, and we decided to let go of others. We went through that first stage, but distance won over us, so now here we are, Best friends. Well, I don't know if we're just friends and still a good one. I am just a Best friend who you USED to fall in love with and I don't regret anything !! You told me you found her, are you happy now? She is more beautiful, and she is near to you than me. She may love you more than I do, so don't lose her. Congrats then! Our stories were ended for a while already, so I always think I am fine although you move on. Never would I thought it is this hard to get over you. Maybe, this is quite unexpected. Because I get hurt enough, I don't want to spend more time being sad because of you, yet I know I still need a little more time, and yes, I hate myself for that. You don't have the right to bring me any more pain, ok? Let's be friends again. Finger crossed! ME (text me READ when you found this :) You, I am not writing this to make you feel bad, if you do, I'll hate you.

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From summer to winter, from spring to autumn, and from the beginning till now, it's been quite long, isn't it? Do you still remember those old days? Life's been exciting. We've grown up together and I really appreciate all the memories we have. Those late-night messages, crazy phone talks, games we play with other classmates on the playground! Those old good days, they were fun. I love every moment I spent with you. I still can remember them, how about you? Time passed by, and we've got closer. We started to be more open and shared many stories that we thought we only wanted to keep in mind. Because of US, we were willing to speak out of what we scared of. Those embarrassing things we had, we finally could talk about them. You know what? I love that we've met. I love that we've known. I love that we had a great time together. I love that we've got closer, and I love that we'd been encouraging each other through all these time. I love that we have walked this way for so long. You know? Never would I thought this friendship would end some days. But my friend, I know you'd been so exhausting and lonely these days. I'm sorry for making you feel like being ignored. We've been apart for a while, and I was always worrying if you were sad without me. But luckily, you have moved on. You've changed. The moment you told me that I was no longer in that prioritize list because you found a better person whom you said is funny, never getting tired of you, always be with you after me, and the moment you told me to find a person who deserves me more than you, you know what? I already considered that you lost/left me. The moment you said no matter how much you changed, you would still stay by my side, I was torn, and I know it was not true, and this friendship would totally change starting from that moment. Don't tell me not to be sad. I also don't like being sober, sitting all day with a sad face. Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. You made your own decision. I should never get interfered with. I just hate that I remember so much about you. I hate that I couldn't stop the pains inside. I hate that when I woke up, you still came first to my mind. I hate to think of you. I don't mean I hate you because it's me who can't just accept the truth yet. I got upset that I think this long friendship should end here, at this moment, although you still stay. You make me feel unacceptable because I can't stand seeing you with others and have changed this fast. You made me speechless, so every time I think about it, I could only laugh with tear when my heart was itching, you know why? I can't believe this is YOU that I know. I am sorry. I was too selfish to keep you, not knowing you were hurting and wanted to leave; therefore, I should really let you go now since I know it. Actually, I don't even know since when you left, what I know is I could just let you go now. So let's end it all here! As I am writing this, my heart promises me that this should be the last day that I am in these messy and uncertain pains. With your new dude, I always want you to be happy now and later. I should be happy to see my best friends happy. I wish you achieved what you want. I will always congratulate you. I hope you do it well and don't ever let a good person go unless s/he doesn't want to stay. And, you know what? A friend of ours told me that maybe one day, I'll be happy too. So you don't need to worry about me. Don't worry and Be Happy, Ok? Miran-SL



Jun 09, 2019 1 year ago

“[...] he has grown a lot now. Although time can't heal everything, try not to let the same pain kill you over and over again” They said Kids don't understand it, but he understood everything they thought he didn't. They said Kids should not have heard this, but it was too late, he heard it all. They said Kids need more education at school, but he was educated enough just by these life experiences. They said Kids don't understand life, but this was not the kind of kid he was. He learned too much from it already. They said Kids don't know the pain, but his life was already full of painful experiences and memories. It was like almost 10 years ago that his life was stuck, yet he can still remember every moment clearly. Those fights, loud, noises, messes, blame, tears, and nightmares, I wish he hadn't known this, but he knew them all. At the corner of that house, he was sitting crying all night. No one heard it. There, you see the way lead to his room, he remembers running there, closing the door, turning on the music loudly and try ing to ignore what was happening outside. On the left side of the house near to the stairs, he saw everything with his own eyes. He was so shocked, trembling, and shaking. Those pictures were always in his mind and they kept him awake all night. He was hiding in his bedroom hugging his little sister every time it happened. He always told her “It's going to be fine, my dear, stop crying'' while he, himself, could not even shed a single drop of his own tears. Would someone find him if they lost him? It seemed like no one cared. Would they cry if he disappeared from this cruel world? He is a son of his family; a brother of his little sister- he could not get hide from the world even a day, how was he going to disappear? The beautiful moonlight was no longer beautiful to him. That colorful sunset could no longer make him happy as it used to be. The sunshine that gave him energy and strength to start his day couldn't even light a single space of his room. The world was just a mess! Every time he looked out through the window, he saw only those black clouds. Maybe he was a happy boy, so people thought he was fine, but he was absolutely not. There is no happy ending. I know he was too young to see, to know, to understand, and to listen to this, but IT WAS TOO LATE, he now experienced it all. “I talked to a kid who was a lot younger than me, and I can't help but write a small part of his suffer life experiences here. If you are wondering, let me tell you- he has grown a lot now. Although time can't heal everthing, try not to let the same pain kill you over and over again.”


People, why?

May 26, 2019 1 year ago

Tell me why? What is wrong in the human's heart? You are not a human that I expected to exist when I was born. I thought human only has a pure heart, but NO!! Life is short, yet people are still so mean to each other. They complain, hate, argue, jealous, betray, stop trusting, find each other's mistake, blame, ignore and yell at one another, try to win, hate to lose, … etc. Why? What is that for? There's no need to wonder why they'd never be happy. They destroy each other's heart piece by piece. At the end of the day, there's no heart left, no more tear to cry, no more patience, no more love..., and it's the scariest thing. So, please, don't be that selfish. At least, we live in the same beautiful world, so don't make it ugly. Why not try to lower your voice a bit while talking? It's so annoying when it's loud. Why not try to open your heart and listen? Don't be so narrow-minded. Why not talk instead of arguing? We have various beautiful languages to communicate. Use it! When is the right time for you to stop? Or you love living this way? Isn't it hard to stick yourself with anger, hatred, pains, and tears every day? Why not try to create happiness? Isn't it what you people want? Is happiness something that would fall from the sky if you don't create it? You'd better know that you create your dream life, not others. Why not try to understand each other? There is always a reason why someone doesn't agree with you. Put yourself in their shoe and try to feel it. Why keep judging the things that you don't even understand? Stop making fusses about it! Mind your own business, not others and stop making those wrong assumptions and spread wrong rumors! Everyone hates hearing wrong and bad rumors about themselves. Stop complaining about your life; go and find something better to do that you can be proud of. There are so many valuable and useful things that make you happy. Life is really something more than what you can think of. All you need are energy and the beliefs that there's something in YOU to be discovered. Why not make your life better? You own it! SEAKLING ''JEEZ''

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