When I was kid I was always amazed by the beauty of the sky, by the depth of the ocean, and by the properties of the earth. I hate walking in the dark but its delightful at night, with the beauty of the sky in the navy blue background. I came to wonder: how come there is no war between the stars. All I see in the sky is pacifism. I ask my mother once a time, is this earth very small? before she leers at me, “why you ask this nonsense question?” “I don't know, but maybe because I want to know why people fight by the border. If this earth is enough for all of us why we need weapons, hate, violence?” I responded. My mother was not ready to give me the answer what I was looking for, instead, she told me that I was a child and only allowed to know how to play a games with other children. When the war started my mom decided to run and hide in the cave. She asked me to carry my four year old sister so I carried her on my back. My mom carried my two year old brother on her back and my one year old sister on her front. My ten year old brother carried the metal stove we used to cook bread and the flour. The worst thing was that my grandmother could not walk fast but we could not carry her. My mom asked me to run to the cave near me and wait there for her. I told her I'm scared of caring for my sister and myself. She said full of tears I don't want you to die here so please take your brother and I will follow you with your grandmother. I didn't have any choice so me, my sister and my brother went to the mountain where the cave was. We saw almost all of the people from the village concealed in the cave. One of mom's friends who was in the cave had us to sit with her. I was worried about my mom, my grandmother, and my other siblings. The jets made the sky look busy while they turned the beautiful land to dust. I started to cry, all I was thinking is that my family didn't survive. Then I heard a man from the cave help a woman who was carrying a child. I knew that that woman had to be my mom. I was relieved that my family made it to the cave. We stayed one week at the cave. All the woman were praying while the noise from the jets and the weapons made the children cry. I couldn't bear the noise and just hoped that everything would be quiet so that our last few moments alive would be peaceful. At that point I wasn't sure if we were going to survive. I was sure that a jet would find us in the cave and all I could think about was that I wanted our last few moments alive to be peaceful. The flour we brought was not enough, so I remember after four days my mom and other women went to the village in the middle of night to bring some food from the houses. While in the village the women saw corpses strewn about in the streets. They couldn't even identify some of the bodies because of the destruction that the jets caused. My mom could not bury any of the bodies or bring any of them back to the cave because it was too dangerous and they didn't have time. When my mom got back to the cave I saw in her face that she was full of sadness. The cave was the worst place - I couldn't sleep on the hard rock. I had a pain in my back and all I wanted was to go to my home and sleep well. After eight days of staying in the cave the noise of the weapons was disappeared and all of the people decided to go back to the village. The women and older men had to care for the children because all of the younger men were in the war fighting. When we returned to the village we saw many houses burned to the ground . My family was one of the lucky ones because our house was not in danger. I've heard that after a war you can't ask who won it, but the question is just who is left alive after it. All the woman of my village including my mom went to help those that were injured. They found many people who had died, and most of the people who died were the elderly or those who couldn't run due to a disability. Some children were killed as well. All the women with the help of the older men brought the corpses to the church. My village grieved. I vividly remember sitting under a the big tree that I found outside of my house, I closed my eyes, so I can pretend that there was no war and people are alive. My eyes became my enemy. when I opened my eyes all I saw was people in deep grief.

It was late when I woke up from my nap, my grandmother, who came home late from work, woke me up, "Oh poor girl, how are you going to spend your night?”. I didn't say anything as I was thinking. After a moment, I asked her, “Can I go to John's house to watch a movie?” She responded, “I won't walk you”. I begged her to take me because I was afraid of the monsters in the dark. She knew that I would keep begging her, and she accepted to take me. John had the only television in our neighborhood, and he had many domestic animals. It was hard walk to John's house because of all the animal feces. My grandmother stepped in it, “Oh no! See what you have done to me!” she pointed to her foot, “Why couldn't you stay at home?” I apologized, and tried to help her, but she refused me. I went into John's home, my grandma left me as I did, walking back home. When I entered the home, Luke, John's son, was watching football. Football isn't my favorite, but I greeted him and sat down to watch football. Eventually the game ended, “What do you want to watch?” he asked, I politely replied, “A movie please”. He changed it a movie “Where's your family?” I asked. He said, “They went to the wedding and will back soon.” Usually, the house was full of people but that day it was empty. After thirty minutes of watching the movie Luke stood and came to sit next to me. I moved over so he could have space, but I felt scared when he came over. He kept moving towards me. I was only twelve years old and Luke was seventeen. I kept watching the movie while he was kept inching closer. Something inside me told me to get up and run to your home, but my legs froze. I felt heart beat strong. I hoped someone would open the doors and rescue me. I was shifting and breathing hard, he asked, “Are you okay?" I was not, but I lied and said “Yes, I just want to go home” “Why?” he asked, “I thought you came to watch a movie”. I quietly replied, “Yes, but I think I should go home and help my grandmother”, Luke was not in the mood to listen to me because as I stood up he held onto my hand and insisting I finish the movie, and then he would take me home. After another moment of watching the movie, he decided to bring water from outside. I should have left as he was gone however, I stayed, and he came back with water. We watched the movie, he put his hand on my shoulder, “Don't worry I'm your brother”, he assured me. I sat stiff but after a moment, his lips were on my cheek. I pulled back in shock, “Why did you kiss me?” He said, “Because you have a beautiful cheek.” I moved away, “I want to go home now.” I insisted. “No, you don't because there are monsters outside. If you go, they will eat you. Trust me”, he said, “while I was outside, I saw monsters that looked evil.” Do I have any choice other than to stay with him inside the house? I sat carefully, aware of my place. He continued to sit with me and then touch me. He put his hands on my chest and I cried, I begged him to not touch me. I wanted to run but I'm afraid of the monsters outside. I felt as though I'm stuck in the middle of a horrific dream. My legs were frozen, and I wanted to close my eyes to pretend that everything was okay. He kept kissing me. His breath smelled rotten. He was a monster, dressed as a man. When he tried to hold me to him, I pushed him harshly and stated, “I will scream.” His home was remote; he knew that my scream would not help me though. I wanted to go home, but he kept insisting, “There is a monster with big teeth and a scary face waiting for you.” I was crying, begging him to take me home he said, “No, not unless you sit and let me do what I want to do” he bargained. I had known him since I was seven years old and I remember I used to play football and other games with him. He was the one we played seek and hide with, he was always willing to play my part, because he knew I was afraid of the dark, but now he has changed into a monster. I shot out of the seat, “I will walk home. I would rather be eaten by the monsters.” I went to the door, Luke fast on my heels. He tried to stop me, blocking the door, but I shoved past him and sprinted home in the dark. I knocked on the door and grandmother answered, surprised, “Oh! You're early. I thought you were watching a movie?” I didn't answer but entered my home tried to calm my heart as there were no monsters I found. I knew my grandmother wanted to ask me questions but refused to ask. I couldn't sleep for hours. There were no monsters I knew this. It was a story to tell children. I got up and left. He used my fear against me, to manipulate me. I swore I would not let my fear show and not let it control me. I won't let my fear cloud my mind. Now, as I'm older, I speak the truth about the power fear, and I walk without fear. I walk freely in both shadow and light, seeing the beauty of both worlds untied. Because even in the shadows, stars shine though.