A Half-Formed Thought

I think I'm best defined as an idea. All of my sentences start off with, “I think,” trajectories, and I'll say something only to change track abruptly half way through my thought. I feel like an interrupted thought, myself, like half way through making me God or whoever got a call and left an unfinished mass, an afterthought, and thought, well fuck it, tossing this into whatever they could and crossing their fingers for luck. That's my modus operandi, anyway. The words half baked might describe me, I'm not much for alien theories and all that pizazz and the tin foil hat, but it's not because I don't believe it can't be true either, it's because I have the well, fuck it attitude towards that too and my M.O indicates that delving into all the millions of conspiracy theories- uh, too much work, so I leave it an open ended, yeah maybe, but don't care to look too much into it. I'm not a skeptic, just disinterested. For someone who doesn't believe in conspiracy theories not because I don't actually believe in them but because there's probably some truth somewhere and don't feel like going into the landmine of lost ideas, and I'm somewhere in between, not quite believing or disbelieving it but equally open ended to the probability, you'd be surprised that I actually do like research. That's how I feel with God too, I forgive you, big G, for that phone call, but I'm pretty meh on your existence or nonexistence either and anyway, kinda your fault if you did want to get pissed. Don't you know to leave your phone on silent when you're working on something important? It's funny, I'm sure you're looking down in disbelief. I'm looking at you with that too. Yeah, I'm half baked, a cake half batter and half real actual cake, never fully cooked up and just sitting in the middle. I like to come up with half baked things too. Even though I don't care for conspiracy theories. What if is another favorite along with my I think. I'm sure me and Descartes would have gotten along. I do love to learn which you probably got the impression that I'm someone who'd rather the information just be handed to them than to bother to delve into anything. I love delving into things, actually. I itch in a classroom and would rather read the information myself from my textbook than listen to a teacher drone on. I'm much more thorough. And a lot faster. I guess I do like the information handed to me. But handed to me, by myself. I think I argue for something only to end up on the other side of the argument. You know what they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. Along with my, “I thinks” (someone should really put a daily limit on them, actually) I tend to use some big words and convince everyone else all along until a what if thought pops up and interrupts me and makes me switch to the side I pulled others through or some nonexistent side that just popped up in my head. I also like to narrate, for myself. I guess when God's just as equally improbable as probable, you gotta put someone there instead. Sometimes I put my partner there, sometimes I put myself. For example, that pop, I imagined a balloon exploding, that sound, pop! With an exclamation mark, I imagined it in big letters, comic style, and imagined one of those light bulb idea things except a balloon in place of the light bulb. I do this a lot, a lot of words fill my head, I automatically detail things that I wouldn't say aloud. Adjectives flood my head on a daily basis and when I mean flood I mean Noah's ark and ushering all the words possible into my head just as he ushered all the animals onto that boat.Ark. Semantics. Insert my M.O here. Anyway, gee, Noah, mind saving us a unicorn or two? I think sometimes I could be a statue, too. I watch a lot of people talk and though my head feels like one of those factories with big wheels and little wheels and whirring and all of it connected and concocting something, but on the outside, stone still. Statue. Sometimes people talk at me and I guess I'm a convincing statue cause they either tell me all their secrets if they're superstitious and believe in statues or see me as a regular statue and only tell me all their secrets because they don't notice I'm there. Anyway, sometimes someone could probably wave a hand straight in my face for a minute straight and I might not even notice, and I get a lot of comments about regally staring into the distance like I'm lost and I don't really have much to say so I think I make a pretty good statue except I have lots to say but mostly to myself. Sometimes I don't even notice people talking, I'm so busy being a statue that I become a real one for a second. Disengaged, background.

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