Dear Covid

In case you're looking for me, I won't be home… …I won't be stress eating…or smoking one cigarette after another…drinking myself numb…barely allowing myself to sleep. That would make things way too easy for you. If and when we meet, I will not be staring at a screen obsessing over every little detail about you. Because you're a virus…not an ex. I'll admit, at first, I was spending a lot of time asking all sorts of questions about you. “Where did you come from?” “Where are you going?” “Will you get stronger?” “How many lives will you impact before you're gone?” We fear what we don't understand. But I've had time to realize that it was never you I was afraid of. As it turns out, I didn't need to learn more about you… I needed to learn more about myself. I have been so concerned with losing my life, when not too long ago, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted to do with my life. So, I started asking myself the same questions I was asking about you. “Where did I come from?” “Where am I going?” “Will I get stronger?” “How many lives will I impact before I'm gone?” I should be mad at you, but I am not. I am really upset and disappointed in myself. I was asleep when you woke me, and I almost stayed asleep even after the “alarm” went off. Then the calls came in…from people I have known my whole life but whose voices I hadn't heard in months. I mean people were calling me who do not even call me on my birthday. The effect was contagious…I started calling people I had not spoken to in a while. All the time away from work and others has shown me what I really look like. I was always so concerned with my appearance. Just the morning routine alone was exhausting and stressful. I would wear clothes that I hoped would make me look thinner than I am, shoes to make me look taller, jewelry to make me look wealthier and then hop into a car I can barely afford to drive to a job that just scarcely provides the means to buy these “costumes.” It's so strange…they wanted me to put on a face mask but as it turns out, I've been wearing a mask my whole life. It's so much easier to breathe without all that added weight and the air has never been so incredible… I want to breath it all in. I keep wondering when you'll stop. When the world will go back to how I remember it. But the more I think about it, the more I hope it never goes back to how it was. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before you showed up in the world. There was so much about me I wasn't really all that happy with. I just kept distracting myself with any gadget, screen, drug or drink I could find. But you have forced me to spend some quality time with the one person I've been avoiding…myself. I've been forced to sit in my home and stare at how much I've filled it with emptiness. Crap I didn't really need, with money I didn't really have to spend, placed on shelves I never touched or even bothered to clean. Countless times people have told me, “Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.” But that has never meant as much as it does in this moment. All the energy I spent being afraid of dying has turned into a desire to actually live…not just maintain a pulse or a paycheck…but actually be present in my own life and the lives of others. I have finally been afforded the time to look at the seemingly endless photos I've taken. Which only helped me realize that life isn't about capturing the moment…it's about letting those moments capture us. I could sit at home, gain weight, watch TV, avoid everyone I care for and blame you for it. But I won't…I can't. I'm sick of blaming others. I've spent my whole life blaming everyone and everything for what was wrong and what was missing. I'm done with that. So, like I said… I most likely won't be home when you come by. I'll probably be on my bike…enjoying these empty roads attempting to move faster than you. I'll be strengthening my lungs so that they are less susceptible to your attacks and with every other breath, saying, “hello” to the others daring enough to enjoy the outside. But if I am home when you come by, I won't be alone. The rebel you've inspired decided on a different strategy than isolation. You see…if you want new results, you need new methods. I've spent enough of my life alone to know that isolation never heals…it hurts… it kills. I have filled my house with the people that remind me how valuable this life is and what I'm fighting for in the first place. You want them…? You'll have to get through me… and I'm not going down without a fight. If your only goal was to kill me, don't worry, you succeeded. The person I was before you arrived… is gone. I guess I have you to thank for that.

comments button 0 report button


Subscribe and stay tuned.

Popular Biopages