Art is a reflection of our inner thoughts. I know what I felt when I made this, but what does it make you feel?
It is no lie that Covid-19 changed our lives in more ways than just one. We had job losses, deaths, and even became secluded from our loved ones that needed us the most. Our lives became a nightmare for a year, and it is now just beginning to become normal. Well maybe for some of us. The ones I am referring to are the people like me who are still trying to find their soul that Covid took from them. Before the pandemic, I was a happy-go-lucky 23 year old that was on track to graduate college with her second degree. I was getting married in the summer, and life was grand. In a matter of a second my joy was ripped from me. The virus took over my happiness, freedom, and safety as an adult. I lost my internship, and had to find a supplement for the requirement. I lost friendships I was creating during my college years. I had to miss moments with my family that can never be remade. I had an ungodly amount of stress, anxiety, and depression that entered my life. It literally changed me into a person that I had no idea existed. I had struggled with depression in high school, but I had never had depression hit me that hard. I was in a dark spot, and wanted to give up on all my dreams and ambitions. I had to dig myself out of a dark rut. I knew I had to get out before it was too late. How was I to do that though? I had never dealt with such a high amount of anxiety, or fear before. My fears became small and big. I feared I would lose everyone around me to the virus. I feared that life would never return to normal. I feared that I would never see the places that I dreamed of seeing as a child due to Covid-19 being so violent, and devastating. It closed down places in a matter of weeks that had been standing for over 50 years, so I became even more depressed. I watched people lose jobs they have had their whole lives. My empathetic side started to come into play. It was horrific seeing individuals losing their homes due to job losses. People had to start applying for unemployment to survive. Unemployment became such a dire need that folks crashed the phone lines. Talk about a nightmare for people all over the United States. Needless to say, life became a game, and the outcome was crappy each time a person played. How was I ever going to get out of the darkness with everything going on around me? I still had no idea, for days upon days. However, I knew I was going to get into the sunshine again someway. Just I didn't know how. Until one day, I was shopping in one of my favorite stores, and I found a Chakra kit. I had always heard about balancing your chakras, but I had never looked into it. Well that day I found that kit, I made the decision to start my spiritual journey, and find my soul and spirit again. I was so lost that I wanted to give up on life. I debated on taking out my pain in ways of self harming, but then I thought what would that solve? A temporary stop to the pain that would still continue to be ongoing? Exactly! So, I knew I had to woman up and face my demons myself. I broke down, and talked to my doctor. I explained that I was concerned about my mental well-being. I was having nighttime anxiety that was creating insomnia. This fed a monster that I had not yet faced, and kept me in bed until 3 in the afternoon at times. I decided that I was tired of missing the days that God had given me to enjoy. This allowed me to wake up one day knowing I had to change. I knew I had a bigger purpose than what the darkness was allowing me to see. So, I decided to try a new medicine rather than the one I had been using to fight my PMDD (Pre- menstrual dysphoric disorder) symptoms. This medicine helped tackle the areas I was experiencing darkness, and allowed me to become my idea of what normal is. By tackling this aspect, I was able to start my spiritual journey which I am still learning about, and I hope to one day share that story with the world. So in conclusion to this madness I have written this beautiful July day. I am still a masterpiece in the making. Life is less hectic due to the slow down of the spread of Covid-19, so this allows me to work even harder to work on becoming me again. I am starting to see the sun peak through the clouds, but I know I have a little bit longer to go. I may want to rush at times, but honestly I am excited for the ride. Cheers to new beginnings, because I know I am ready.
Most people believe that someone who has anorexia just eats less because they want to be thinner but it is so much more than just that. Anorexia is a mental illness which can consume you completely.It can start with just a single thought.This tiny thought grows and grows in the back of your mind until its the only thing you can think about.Anorexia becomes like your best and worst friend.She tells you that shes helping you be happy because after all skinny equals happy in our world.“Dont you want to look like those girls in the magazines”“You're not trying hard enough”“You want to be thin dont you?“ „You're not good enough”The more you listen to this voice in your head,the more you believe everything its telling you. After time, you realize that the voice is bad for you but at that point you are so consumed by thoughts, rituals and that fear, that overwhelming fear of gaining the tiniest bit of weight that you dont even care anymore. The vicious cycle starts and its so hard to break out of it. Everyday you get up and weigh yourself. Then you go through your day thinking about that one number on the scale and counting every single calorie you consume. Everyday you try to consume less and burn off more than the day before. Every calorie you consume adds to the noise in your head, the more calories you eat the more you think about how to burn them off and the harder it is to concentrate. At one point, you decide that if you're going to get through your day its easier if you dont consume any calories at all. Little by little you fade away without even realizing it. Because lets face it, what is skinny enough? there is no skinny enough. Anorexia will never let you think that you are skinny enough. You could be on the brink of death and look in the mirror and see yourself as overweight. That is due to something known as body dysmorphia. The longer anorexia controls you the worse it gets.The problem is that Anorexia is not always painful. Often its torture but sometimes there are moments where starving yourself can make you feel euphoric. That feeling of emptiness becomes an addiction, a craving. You long for it. Restriction gives you this sense of total control that you cant get from anywhere else. Its a way of finding calm in the middle of the storm which is your life and in a way it makes the bad parts worth it. It is so often said that the hardest step to recovery is having the courage to ask for help. Thats not true. What is hardest is what comes next. Recovery is so hard because you are constantly having to fight with your own mind. Part of your mind is telling you how much you are missing out on because of this illness, how the best years of your life are slipping away from you and how this pain isn't worth it.The other part of your mind is screaming at you to do everything in your power to loose weight, eat less and burn more calories. You are at war with yourself. Every bite of food is an internal struggle that makes you desperately want to turn to your many ways to cancel out that food. You have to find something that motivates you to keep fighting, something that makes you realize that your life is worth living. You can see therapist after therapist but in the end they wont be able to help you. They will guide you and try their best to help you through all these dark, destructive thoughts but in the end you are the one who has to make that terrifying choice to recover. It has to be your decision. For a while, everyday will be harder than the last. Some days will feel amazing and you”ll get this sudden burst of energy because for the first time in ages your body isn't eating away at itself but more often than not, that feeling of guilt and hatred towards yourself after every meal will make it seem like giving up altogether is the only way out but eventually it does get easier, things will look up, and you”ll stop seeing food as the enemy. Little by little you”ll start to be able to enjoy all the things that anorexia took away from you. Possibly the hardest thing about suffering from an eating disorder is that so often, even after recovery, somewhere at the back of your mind those thoughts are still there. Those same cyclical thoughts about weight and food are still there and they could be triggered at any time. It is so hard to fully recovery from an eating disorder because of the society we live in. You see pictures of skinny, famous and popular girls and of course you want to be like them. You see those pictures of the sad, fat before girl and then the pictures of the happy skinny girl that says “I went on this diet ,lost weight and now everybody loves me”.Its so hard to recover because everywhere you look there is a reminder of that thing that used to be the most important thing in the world to you and deep down you still want it.So, you learn to live with these thoughts, you learn to keep them at the back of your mind and you learn to forget them but that doesn't mean that they're not there.
A dark night, A sky with no stars Flickering lights in the distance, Silence that alarms. Being lonely, being quiet, Being away from the noise and riot. Scared, afraid, the dark will suffocate, Make me crazy, or my sadness would elevate. What seemed like a nightmare in the early years, Turns into pleasure as youth appears. What seemed haunting as a child, Now brings peace in a world so wild. Who says, the darkness consumes you, I say, it cures blues and lets you start anew.
GANGADHARA RAO IRLAPATI's I'm, An unfortunate Indian scientist subjected to negligence,racism,discrimination despite have done over a 1000 researches&studies.But all my researches were ignored&darkned. You can get my researches either by searching my name GANGADHARA RAO IRLAPATI in all websites or by sending your email to my email id girlapati@aol.com. I am now making my life's last journey with hopelessness and sickness (severe medical complications)and disregard&despair. Under the aforesaid circumstances, I urge the world scientists that kindly publicize&recognize me as the Originator of Global Monsoon Time Scales&National Geoscope Projects by making references in your research papers&by postings on social media. GANGADHARA RAO IRLAPATI
As stated in the title, book 5 of my current urban/dark fantasy and paranormal romance series have its own cover reveal, so here it is...let me know what you think! Thanks everyone and I hope you're continuing staying safe and smart during these difficult times. Happy reading!
My urban/dark fantasy and paranormal romance Keeper of La Tecla (The Key) series have new book covers! I couldn't be more proud of their turnout and I want to thank Befunky for working with me and allowing me the chance to use their app for the designing that I spent hours creating with my own hands. Hope everyone is staying safe!
surrounded by darkness and the demons that reside here there everywhere I go lurking in my dreams haunting my dreams why won't they let me be what have I done to deserve this cruel fate and everyone around me is so full of hate
The heart races, swiftly moving across the fiery landscape, and hastily dragging its reluctant owner along with it. Its goal, an escape from this place akin to hell, is almost within its grasp. My sloppily thrown together preparations don't seem to be enough though; a figure engulfed in shadows as black as a starless midnight blocks my way. I try to ask who this figure is, and from whence he came, but my lips lock themselves together. Then, as if he heard the thought as clearly as I said it in my mind, he steps forward to reveal himself. Even I knew that every story, including real life, needs an antagonist. Yet, like many others, I never expected to be my own. I mentally ask him why he blocks our way, and he gets even closer. The closer he gets, the more my heart seems to sink, cowering in immense fear. He begins convulsing, shifting into past experiences, present pains, and future worries. Luckily, my brain knows what my heart does not; that creature is not me. Hell, that creature isn't even real. Briefly, I compose myself, and stare at this tangible form of anxiety. Slowly, I begin to walk forward. The walk becomes a jog, the jog becomes a sprint, and within the blink of an eye I've moved forwards and the creature is gone. I continue trying to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, and the land itself around me seems agitated by this decision. The fires grow larger than my life itself, creating a graceful yet malicious dance around me. Sparks with a dark intensity fly past me wherever I trod, grazing my barren skin. A heavy gloom begins to slowly roll in. I try to run away from it, but disobeying my commands, my legs begin to crawl to a halt. I close my eyes and silently beg for any person, or any higher power to lift me up and carry me out of here, spending the last ounce of rapidly draining hope left in my body. I open my eyes, and look up, only to realize my last hope was spent in vain. I feel something grabbing me, preparing to drag me deep into the ominously approaching darkness. The steam from my last shed tear climbs my face as quickly as the tear rolled down. I think to myself, “There is no hope. I will never escape this.” Multiple creatures of billowing shadow whisper cruel words into my ear, reaffirming these thoughts. The figures all swirl around me, forming a pitch black tornado and releasing their intense hatred upon me. The largest, and darkest of the figures slowly comes out of the whirlwind and approaches me. A vindictive smile creeps across his face, and he slowly raises me a knife. A bit of reluctance builds up in me as I take the blade, but the faceless voices around me scream in joy, convincing me of the validity of this decision. I turn the knife around, and point at my throat. The cacophony of blackened screams around me grow so loud and restless that they're basically indistinguishable from typical white noise. I let out what I believe to be one last whimper: “goodbye world”. As I get ready to make death my escape from this hell, I can barely make out a seemingly human voice crying out against my decision. I hesitate, and slightly lower the blade. The whirlwind of shadowy figures around me begin to grow agitated. There it is again, and I could make it out clearly this time: a friendly, human voice. The screams around me that were originally of joy shift to sighs of disappointment, and wails of agony. My heart begins to rise. The tornado around me shrieks in pain and terror as an entrance is forced into the tornado. A figure of what appears to be pure light offers me their hand. I grasp them, hope welling up in me once more. That hope was all it took. The world flashes a white purer than the stars, and I feel grass beneath my feet. I look around me, and instead of my hellscape see a meadow, with the person shining brighter than both moon and sun combined smiling at me from within. That was the moment I realized something I now think everyone needs to know. The light at the end of the tunnel won't always be an object or come from within; the key to your cage is never inside with you. The light can be someone around you, an animal, a river, a song, whatever you want it to be. Light has no defined shape. Surround yourself with as many lights as possible, not figures of malevolent shadow.
It was easy to get scared. When the darkness swallowed up the Earth, the night seemed to coat everything in a suffocating blanket of black, it was a simple matter to give in to the fear. What you did next was up to instinct and sin. The guilt and things best left buried in the deepest parts of the heart. The accusation on their faces was bad. The disappointment in Mama's eyes was a thousand times worse. And so you did it in the shameful, terrifying dark because at least there nobody could see the tears fall down your face. A glance out the window never revealed anything except what your mind created. The moon was hidden behind dense clouds, if it was there at all. No light managed to break through the black. No city lights, no stars, nothing. Endless miles of night that stretched into the distance, and suddenly you were outside and it's chasing you, don't turn back don't turn around no no no don't look at it keep running... And in the night you can't see anything, no way you can watch your step when you can't even see the hand in front of your face. So then your foot catches on a rock or maybe it's a stump, too dark to tell and you're falling and now it's there and the CLAWS NO STOP PLEASE And suddenly you're gone, nothing left but ash and bones and the hard piece of stone that passed for your heart. The wind sweeps you away, or rather what's left. The sun finally, finally breaks over the horizon and the day starts anew. Then you're back in your bed, soft and warm, and now you just have to get through the day, don't break under the stares. Then by night, you can try to fight off the monsters that lurk out the window alone.
Beautiful sunsets, slowly and gracefully outshining the dead. Crippling darkness… emerging from the long lost souls, trying hard to bury their last drop of breath. But nothing is to worry, for them are sleeping well, deep in the grounds where peace and light is always to be found. Darkness shall rise no more, but only love and light from the long lost souls, trying to find their way out, through the never-ending grounds. -inspired by my deceased grandmother-
The dark swirled around her taunting her. “You are capable of more evil than you know my dear…” The voice whispered from somewhere in the dark abis. “No, I'm not! Just leave me alone!” Rose shouted back shutting her eyes tightly trying to block the other voice out but she failed as it continued to jeer at her. “Do you remember…?” The voice hissed causing a flash of images of past horrific events in their victim's life. Rose felt tears start to roll down her cheeks as she fell to the floor in defeat and folding her knees to her chest. “Give up?” The voice questioned in a demonic tone. “No…” Rose replied forcing her voice to steady itself. Suddenly another girl appeared in front of her with black and green hair, bright green eyes, and an evil grin spread across her face. “Well, then it looks like we'll meet again soon my dear....” The girl stated threateningly before disappearing into the darkness and an evil laugh spreads throughout the room. Rose sat up in her bed quickly, her heart pounding as if she had just ran a marathon and her cheeks stained with tear tracks. “Stupid North…” she mumbled to herself in the silence of her bedroom. She kicked her legs over the side of the bed and got up before pulling the blinds open, allowing for the cool night air to flood the room. The sky was an opaque black and cloudy so no stars could be seen. She looked down at her hands that had formed into fists. This had been the third time this week that the stupid nightmare had occurred leaving her sleep deprived and frightened to even try to take a nap. The door squeaked open shadowing her with the light of the hallway. “Rose?” She heard a deep voice say from her doorway, “What are you doing awake?” “Just a nightmare…” She mumbled in return but didn't turn to face her visitor. “Oh, is it still the same one?” Rose nodded slowly as she heard the person step farther into her room but she still didn't turn to face them. “You want to talk about it?” She felt a hand touch her shoulder gently as if at the touch she might disappear forever. “No, Mark I'm good.” She replied her voice returning to hestiant state as she declined his offer of conversation. “Rose, come here.” He whispered taking his hand away from her shoulder and sitting down on the bed. She finally turned around and took a seat next to him and tried to hide the tears forming in her eyes. Mark placed his arm lightly on her shoulders but stayed silent not sure how to approach the situation though he knew she needed help. “Rose?” He said in a hushed tone. “Yes, Mark?” Her voice cracked from trying to hold back her tears. “It's ok to cry.” Rose pondered his words for a second then finally let it go and started sobbing. Mark pulled her a little closer attempting to confort her. “I'm s...sor..sorry Ma..Mark…” She stuttered through her tears. Mark looked at her confused that she was apologizing to him. “What, why?” He said bewildered by the girl's sudden apology. “For crying..” “Rose it's ok…” He pulled her closer to him. It's okay.
With the wind blowing in your hair and the sun shining on your face, one can find little to complain about. With the ocean colliding upon the sand and the shells spread around the beach, one should find peace. But there is no peace. As the mind forces thoughts, ones unwanted, on to the brain. And the body aches of pains of all sorts of origins. Bruises and scrapes litter the body. No one can be sure where they came from. Strangers don't stop to ask what's wrong. It may be strange for someone to be sitting on the beach on a cold winter day, but everyone has their own life. Everyone has their own issues. Nobody has the time to care. So, as you sit on the beach, with the cold air rushing through your hair and the sun radiating it's bright but frigid rays directly on you, you feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. As if the inside of you was just a cold bottomless pit. No end, no beginning. But empty. All that's inside of you is the dark nothingness that haunts you. It's like you don't have warm blood, circulating through your body. As you even feel cold to the touch. You could even think that your heart isn't pumping. Your lifeless. Motionless. Sitting there on the beach, anyone would think you were just mesmerized by the ocean. But your just trying to feel. Anything. You hope to be happy. To find something to enjoy. To fill the pit inside you. But it all seems impossible. How do you fill something that's endless? Something that doesn't even seem to want to be filled? The only thing you want to do is feel. But the easiest way to feel is through pain. So your left in what seems like an endless cycle of hopelessness. Nowhere to go and no way to get out. All you can ever feel is empty.