The LGBT in Russia are constantly threatened, murdered, and isolated. For them I became a writer. I believe in writing the way people believe in god. Literature is as banned as religion was in the Soviet Union. My first novel is set in my hometown of Saint Petersburg, Russia. When I learned of queer men being put on a hit list database in Russia, I was unnerved. Coming from a country with few human rights, I imbue my work with representation most personal to me. Writers inspired me with their wisdom. I want to inspire the younger generation of readers who have no mentor. The survival tactic for being ripped from Russia and dropped into Kindergarten in the United States: Understand the aliens around you. Figure out how you can fit in, fast. I've always been trying to understand people; I write entire books about them. I was raised travelling: Speeding through Israeli cliffs and surviving when the bus behind mine didn't. Crying when the plane bumped into Leningrad Airport and I was home in Russia for the first time since I was five years old. My experiences with diverse cultures drives everything I do. I have had lots of jobs. One of my favourites was being camp counsellor on Vancouver Island for high schoolers from the Philippines. I could pee without wiping, make smoke with my hands, and watch a mongoose skid and fall into the river in fright from our kayaking crew. Not to forget, my taste for adrenaline. The flow of typing; the skid of skis, a desperate attempt at friction, force against force. My mind's always lived in the fast lane. Though it had kickstarted my intensive writing, not a word of my journalling ended up in the novel I finished six months later.
My lovely Universe, it is crazy to be writing in this space today. It feels like the start of something new. But I am here to write how my life has changed since I felt your presence. How often you let me know about yourself when a warm and pleasant wind touches my hair reminding me about the moments of enjoyment or when a light sunbeam makes me wake up to start a new day. I always recognize you. You talk to me, and our conversation remains interesting, eternal and emotional. It is time when I am ready to say thanks for all things and situiations I have passed through to become who I am right now. Thank you for a tough adventure of “home” girl. You should remember when I was trying all possible ways to enter one of the prestigious university of Russia. And I had depression, because I saw how my parents were looking forward to my test results, but it was so hopeless. I thought it had been the biggest failure in my life. In fact, the end of my story was move to Almaty, a city that taight love and hate go hand and hand sometimes. I was starving because I did not have enough money to buy some food; I was looking for a job, but every time I found one, the employers would find many reasons not to hire me. I had no idea what I was going to do; I started to give up... But suddenly my sister announced me about my father who was in hospital with emergency. I was shouting and crying as I could not help my family anyhow. Hating everything around, I did not realize how my life would be filled by people, who supported and helped me not to lose faith in the best future. Thank you for American adventure, a time of stepping outside of my comfort zone. America it is another and more fascinating story of my life. If someone had told me, that I would be in America, meet new friends and see Empire State Building, I would have never believed it. Thoughts are material, are not they? I wanted and I did it. It was a tough time when I was searching all ways to find some money for my trip. That is why, I borrowed 1400$ from my parents, friends and other people. But that time I was pretty sure, that everything would be alright. As a result, I heard important words: “ Your visa is approved” and I was ready to begin my new chapter of life. If someone invented a time machine, I would definitely go back to the time when I worked at Hersheypark. I met friends, who could make hookah and sang songs of Kendrick Lamar. As a young girl from small town, I wanted to learn how to enjoy every moment. Standing on the escalator at Penn Station in New York, I was thinking about people who hanker to be in my shoes. I won a great chance to look at huge sizes of skyscrapers and hear many languages of the world. After all challenges I have passed through, I am sure, it is worth it. Thank you, lovely Universe, for feeling of love. Moreover, I experienced of love. How many times did I ask you about my true love, which would help to find all answers to my questions? I told you I would be waiting for my “loved one” as long as it takes. I was silly by thinking about man, who did not appreciate my concern, support and me as a woman. It is sad and happy story about one couple who were looking for each other and thinking that they made a right choices. In many cases, people confuse the feeling of love with the fact that they want to take shelter from loneliness. They think how is great to be with person who loves you just the way you are. However, do we love the same way? I have found the answer: no. I was ready to give everything I had, be with him no matter what happened and love him to the moon and back. When someone asks me, what is love? My answer will be a strong heartbeat, glitter in my eyes and smile on my face. Love is ability to share your privacy, not to be afraid to show own shortcomings, let someone know about your funny and embarrassing stories from life. Since I made the right choice, I have been asking you to make him dissapear from my thoughts. I want to forget everything like a terrible nightmare, but I am way too good at goodbyes. What do you know about another love like a mother who loves her child? I would like to tell about one kid and family, which have played a sagnificant role in my life. Universe, you showed me how much I could love baby as mine. His parents give him everything what he wants. Lucky kid, actually. I taught him how wishes could come true, how belief could become a powerful force to go ahead. After playing Mortal Combat and watching Snapchat filters with him, I wanted for that moment to last forever. If someone asks me about love again, I will advise giving all warmth and care to kids because they have not known about dissapointment and failures yet. I lost one feeling and got another, a better one. And I have no idea what you have already prepared for me, but I am sure you are kind to me. Take care,Universe Your Dreamer.