“Either Believe in Yourself or Kill Yourself”

Well, where to start where to end, seems like our life stories may leave us dread. They are horrible sometimes while cherishing at the other. Thus, a mixture of evil and good, happiness or sadness, success or failures, they are all somewhere connected. I'm going to share my failure story: some may find it disappointing, others may find it inspiring while others may find it pointless whatsoever that is my story and I'm the very character who has never got much appreciation from the life. You know what is the good part of my story that it is not the end yet. Things will work my way, I know, but now it may not be the right time. My eldest sister is an atomic scientist, the younger sister a software engineer, the third one has got a Master's in English Literature and brother in the army serving as a Captain. They all have got medals and brought pride and honor to the family and so did I when I was a young blossoming child. Now, I've just graduated and completed my BS HONS in Medical Laboratory Technology, definitely not what I've ever wanted to be. As like many others I could not qualify the Entry Test for Medicine and Surgery, attempted twice. Well, I accepted the reality if it had to be this way and continued with this 4-year program, rarely known. That may not seem to you a great failure but yes, it is, when your father says, “I had always seen you as a doctor since your childhood”, or sometimes, “I'd always imagined you bringing some great honor to the family being the youngest and the intelligent child”. It not only hurts you inside but kills you being a nerd. But I couldn't ever tell my father that I was feared enough to do anything at that time. That I was so pre-occupied with some other thoughts that I could not make it through the test. Though I knew the answers all in my head I couldn't make it with my trembling hands and distressing thoughts. It all started since the day when I was a kid, I went to a nearby shop of my house. We used to buy almost all of the things from that shop. The shopkeeper seemed so kind to me and more affectionate than towards the other kids around. He touched me while handing over the shopping bags. I instantly drew my hand back when it happened for the very first time, as far as I remember, but he kept his hand on my head and with a smile on his face told me that “It's ok”. The next day when I went again he gave me a few candies as a little gift. I became happy and came back home eating those candies. The mind was so delicate to think of his mischievousness and eagerness in his hands. The same thing continued for a few days as he was feeding the little soul to trust him completely. A few days later when I went and no one was around, he called me inside and make me sit on his lap. I was afraid and hesitating that he made me look upon the sweets I loved the most at that time. I went inside and got all those sweets. He kept on calling me inside for next few days or I think he was rather feeding the little beast inside me. Meanwhile, he did what he had to and I didn't resist. Yes, I didn't resist. One day he took me inside and showed me his penis. I got afraid and ran back home. I was too afraid to tell anyone as I thought myself the culprit of taking all those sweets from him. That day made me realize what the hell was happening out there but still was unable to figure out how worse it could get if I didn't run from there. That day till this day that fear couldn't stop growing inside me and I still feel myself a great sinner. But I was a kid by then and unable to realize what was happening. They tell the stories of gang rapes, child abuse on TV and newspaper and somewhere inside I get a little afraid as I feel myself the unrevealed victim of those. But still can't figure out who was the criminal, He or I????? I wish this whole thing could be a lie. But that's the bitter fact of my life I could hardly tell anyone. I don't know what made me write this here but I feel there are not hundreds but thousands out there who are still the victims of these greedy dogs. I want to convey a message that does not trust anyone when it comes to your kids. Don't ever trust anyone, I repeat. As far as it is concerned to me, I'm contented that I'm still trying. I've been working as a freelancer and earned over a million in the recent year. You see, nature still has got something for you, only what you need to do is to seek your potential and have faith in God. Now, I'm a confident, young writer who believes in her abilities and never compromises on her rights. This is what life has taught me, though after some bitter experiences but I believe everything happens for a reason. You can never be a failure but only if you stop believing in yourself. Don't do that to yourself otherwise you may kill yourself.

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