Malice in COVID19-land

The world was ending. I knew this, as I was ushered onto the spaceship. I was speaking to those who were leading me, I was emphatic. It didn't matter. "They will be all right." The space people said. Once on the spaceship, I found myself in the most vibrantly green park I had ever laid eyes on. Ferns, perfectly cut grass, and trees with softly rustling leaves surrounded me. There were other people with me, unconcerned with what was going on on earth. "But, the earth is in trouble." I insisted, "We have to save everyone!" "They will be fine." Said one of the other humans, a singer I recognize. I want to stay in this park, and hear her sing, but I have to go. I have to do something for the earth. I find a computer and research what is going on on earth. A news outlet confirms that Mars will crash into Earth in forty eight hours. I run to those in charge, "We have to save them, they will die!" "They will be fine." "They will be fine." - I awoke from this dream during one of my first weeks in quarantine. All of my friends worked on the frontlines, in both customer service, and in medical clinics. Two of whom worked for a manager who had said of COVID19, "It's just like the Y2K scare." I had responded by pointing out that Y2K hadn't caused the cancellation of sports or school. Two of my friends were working for someone who was not taking the pandemic seriously, as I sat at home. It was clear to see what the dream had been saying: I felt that everyone I loved was in trouble, while I was safe. The guilt was overwhelming some days. I depended on daily calls from my boyfriend, almost daily calls from one of my best friends who was a nurse, and my fifteen pound dog Maverick to help get me through. I also learned the value of self imposed schedule, paying attention to diet, and being sure to find things to keep my mind busy. I have begun doing yoga, kickboxing, and going for a run on a daily basis. I have hand sewn several masks for myself (I don't feel like they are good enough quality for medical personnel), and my boyfriend even bought me a kit which allowed me to build an electric guitar, a goal I have had for a while now. Rather than wallowing in guilt, I have begun to find gratitude for what I have now: time. Time to pursue the creative goals I have. Time to spend with my dog. Time to practice activities which will increase my fitness levels. Time to write query letters for a novel I've written. Time to work from home to help the protests currently going on in the United States in order to bring about change to the criminal justice system. Some of these pursuits are fun. More are important, even if not easy to consider. Writing, and posting, and signing petitions, and filing complaints against multiple police departments are scary. It's scary to take a stand, but it is absolutely necessary that we do so. Now, while we are home, while we have the time, those of us with the opportunity and availability must take advantage of it in order to speak for those who can not as easily speak for themselves. On that note, I am encouraged by those who are protesting. I am so proud of the fact that protestors are still keeping COVID19 in mind, they are trying to keep proper distance, and they are wearing masks. They are holding signs, and they are speaking out and speaking up. I am proud of this movement, and I will work for their good and their rights from home. I stand with them, even if I cannot be physically with them. COVID19 has fundamentally changed my life, for good or bad. And much like Alice, we have changed multiple times since this all began; we can no longer pretend to be the things we were. And really, why would we want to?

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