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My name is Tillo, and i've always had a passion for writting. Whenever I felt like nothing could go right in my life I would always sit down, and write whatever I was feeling. short storys, poems, even just random sentences meaning nothing would calm my thoughts down. Recently, my life hasn't been where it needs to be, so when this popped up I had to try it.
Mothers worst fear
Feb 20, 2018 6 years agoThere are many feelings a mother goes through when a child is born. there's excitement for all the new adventures and ways of life. there's worry for all the ways a little baby can't take care of itself. there's also the joy of having your own little family and raising someone to be proud of. then there's the fear. fear of the unknown, the unwanted, and all the ways a child can get hurt. when a child is born sick, with a disease or a syndrome, fear rises number one above the rest. when pregnant with my first child there was only joy throughout my pregnancy. My boyfriend and I already had so much love for our child; we knew he was going to have a good life because that is the only thing we wanted for him. with all the encouragement came times that people would stop me and ask me what I would do if my child was born with down syndrome or if he had a birth defect; they would ask me how I would handle it. those questions are what spark the fear in a mother. when those questions were brought forth to my attention, I had never even suspected something like that would happen. thoughts like "my family has never had anything like that" or "how dare you put that karma out into the world" would circle my mind causing me to panic and fear the worst possible. In keeping positive thoughts every time I went to the doctor and being assured that everything is perfect that there would be no issues that they could see, I was reassured. even when my water broke five weeks early I wasn't upset or nervous, just excited to see my new little miracle. never in my life would I have thought labor would be the easy part but surprisingly it was. my son was born five pounds 3 ounces on an early Monday morning. that little boy was my earth, sadly the day he was born that beautiful baby was given a thirty percent chance to live to the age of 1. he had a rare syndrome called CHARGE. my sons personal ailments included heart issues, blindness, deafness, sever acid reflux, learning disabilities, unable to swallow food, partial facial palsy, and to top it all off the poor sweet baby only had one kidney. fear bubbled up inside and exploded like fire. four months we stayed with him; four months he fought battle after battle and won. there was nothing that could defeat him, with his big brown eyes and long soft hair, he was determined to stay with us. we cheered and celebrated all the steps forward just as much as we cried on the days the progress reversed itself. slowly but steadily we made it to the finish line glowing with anticipation of bringing our little boy home. with excitement we thought of all the firsts our four month old will have. we mused at the idea that he would finally go outside, feel the air on his face, meet his aunts and uncles who weren't allowed to see him in the hospital, lay in a big bed so mommy and daddy could lay and snuggle with him, and be able to see something other than the four walls of a tiny room. we were so close. sadly we always forget that the reason we fear is because danger is all to real. The day my son died, it was my 20th birthday, his last surgery went wrong, allowing his liver and kidney to shut down and the potassium to attack his heart. the doctors tried everything but in less than 24 hours from being ready to go home it was his time to leave the hospital is a way we never wanted. when he did pass he was surrounded by family. he died knowing he was loved and once his heart stopped beating the sadness took over. you hear people say "im sorry for your loss" and "im praying for you" but one thing those who have never been through this can't tell you is that the fear, that drove you further, is gonna be the same fear that breaks you down every single day for the rest of your life.
