Addiction and mental health disorders go hand in hand for me. I have an extensive family history of both. I've had bipolar and manic-depressive disorder since I was about 8. I couldn't make out the “voices” in my head or how to manage them. They drove me insane, literally and figuratively. Substances ceased the voices in my head and the agonizing pain that came with them. Little did I know, I had lit the match to a burning desire of self-medication, otherwise known as addiction. I attended a public middle school. My family and I had just moved from the city. In hindsight, I think the drastic move was my father's ploy to escape his extramarital life, but we'll get to that later. I was excelling in athletics and academics, but I was still considered an outcast. I declared myself a lesbian and I wasn't afraid to express myself. My clothing style was a phase, but my sexual preference certainly was not. Because I wore baggy clothes and didn't indulge in “girly” activities, I was picked on and practically shunned by many of my peers. This only made my depressive state worse. I wanted to be accepted, instead I was pushed away and judged. In my freshman year of high school, being gay became more socially acceptable, so the judgment of others decreased. I was extremely troubled mentally, so no matter who accepted me, I still couldn't accept or deal with myself, and so my substance abuse issues grew immensely alongside my poor mental health. From an infant to an adolescent, I was always a “daddy's girl”. My father spoiled me and I looked up to him, he was my superhero without the cape and fancy outfit. By observation, I knew my father had been cheating. I loved him deeply and blindly, so I ignored his behaviors. My mother and father had been married since I was a toddler, so by this time it had been over ten years. He was working for a hotel about ten minutes from my high school. His infidelity became more apparent as he would slowly move his belongings out of our apartment, claiming that he was staying at the hotel for “work”. Over time, nearly all his things and his presence had been moved out of our home, never to return. At this point, Now I'm a sophomore in high school. One day, he picks me up from school and takes me to the hotel. I'm thinking nothing of it because he'd typically take me to the hotel after school to get dinner while I did my homework. This day was different and one I'll never forget. As we are walking into the hotel, he looks at me and says, “There's someone in here I want you to meet. I've been seeing her for a while, and if you don't like her then I won't see her anymore, just talk to her and tell me how you feel.” I was young and naive, my intuition told me something wasn't right, but I went against it and put my trust into my father. I walk in and there's this African American/Asian woman sitting at a table. She looked very shy and nervous, and rightfully so. I give my father an undesirable look, then I put on my fake smile. Sitting before me was the woman my father had been living and cheating on my mother with, while abandoning his true family. I was disgusted and in awe, but I didn't want to lose my dad completely, so I went along with this absurd scene. We shared awkward conversation. She played nice of course because she wanted to make a good impression to “win over” my father. When my father and I left, he says, “So what do you think? If you don't think she's good for me I won't date her anymore.” He was so selfish, but what could I really do? I replied, “She seems nice I guess, but what about mommy, are you going to tell her?” He came back and said, “Well don't worry about that, I want you to graduate before I let your mother know, so just keep this between us for now.” Before I knew it, I was stuck in the middle of this love triangle. So conflicted, on one hand I felt guilty for betraying my mother, but then I didn't want to betray my father either. A year had gone by, I concluded that my father was never going to be truthful about his affair. Due to miscommunication, my mother, father, and “step-mother”, had all come to pick me up from work one night. A fight broke out between all of them in the parking lot. All my coworkers witnessed. I was so embarrassed, I stormed off hurt and in a rage. There was no hiding this anymore. I went home with my mother that night and out came EVERYHING. She was hurt and angry, said I betrayed her and I felt awful. We mended our differences as she came to understand none of this was my fault. My mother and father were still legally married, but he had gotten engaged to this woman. Today, my relationship with my father is strained. I barely see him, and he has a new family with this woman, a step-daughter and my baby sister whom she had 5 years ago. I still suffer from dereliction, but I am happily in recovery for addiction and mental health. I don't use substances to take away my feelings, I just deal with life on life's terms.

Invisible chains... Mental enslavement, Trapped in the brain, Crying out for help, but they gave me disdain Instead of understand me, rather call me insane, So i dove in the bottle, just to drown the pain Searching for an escape, paradoxically living in vain You ain't no different, we all the same Excuse me im ill, yeah im sick Tell a hating motherfucker suck my d**k Cause momma aint raise no bitch To my public enemy, I raise my fist And fight the power just like this Yall too focused on the minuscule shit So the bigger picture continues to get missed, and dismissed Ignorance aint bliss It just pushed us to the edge, Now all my friends are dead Words that's left unsaid aid the voices in my head They yelling feed me, soul yelling free me At war with myself, i need a peace treaty Suffering from addiction and dereliction So my pain becomes self inflicted Damn, that's some sick shit