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Something is telling me I need to write now. Although, I don't have much to say here.
Quarantined, Joy or Madness?
Jul 10, 2020 3 years agoI picked a wonderful time to pursue a new career. After 2019 I vowed that I would NEVER clock in again. I wasn't sure about writing or anything for work, but I figured how hard can it be? My friends and family were so helpful. They cared for me while I piddled about doing next to nothing, trying to recover from the previous years. I took on 40-60hr weeks at my last job in a restaurant and I believe I'd reached burnout. How long does it take to recover from this condition? It is July, and I'm still fighting to find my way. I joked with friends that if anyone asks you what's wrong or if you have some issues, just say "COVID-19". Let's practice: Hey, how was your day? "COVID-19". Did you do anything useful or interesting today? "COVID-19" What do you do for a living? "COVID-19." There were mixed reactions. Most people recognize it as silly humor and disregard. Others are sensitive to the many deaths from the situation and request not to tease in such a manner. Then there are most who are ultimately perplexed by the response. They assume there must be a reason COVID-19 contributed to your answer and take some time to research the enigma in their minds. This whole thing caught me by surprise. I spent my days fooling around and sleeping mostly. Then, I woke up one day and there were riots and masks! It snuck up on me. I keep thinking, I should have been prepared! I'm a writer now, right? I should have written all those stories while I was sleeping and been responsible enough to publish something! OK, not while I was sleeping, just teasing. I had a breakdown. Who knows what burnout actually does to someone, but I lost it! I became ultra paranoid and did my best to avoid everyone and everything for some time. Can't run for too long! Ultimately, all your demons catch up with you. So, now I sit with weeks to prepare something to avoid homelessness. I am lucky I have friends and family that still care for me. My heart bleeds for all those who have no hope, particularly at a time like this. I have learned a lot from this isolation. There is a time and place for everything. Some things MUST be taken seriously, no matter how good I think the joke is. I've reinvigorated my idea of privacy and recognized bitter truths. I talk to myself these days and the voices in my head are rather charming lately. I had to train them. This is good for me but can be annoying for others if I decide to respond. I have a new diagnosis of schizophrenia which is annoying. I suppose it's the stigma. Nonetheless, I am mature enough to recognize there are levels to this shi... I have learned a new definition of compromise as well. One has to give something to receive. I've been a taker for so long, I forgot what it was like to give. Then, when I do decide to offer something it is unappreciated because they assume I'm some manipulative trick. As if I would offer a bare minimum with the expectation of maximum result. I believe I am more logical than that, but I can understand how it looks from the outside. The voices in my head have told me I need to focus. This is the answer! I've been some type of clown all these years (dare I say how many). Quarantine showed me how playtime is over. I find this quite ironic considering my surroundings. I witness so many others enjoying martinis on their furlough and partying as close to their neighbors as they'd like, but I cannot partake. This is my plight and I am humbled to receive it. Although, I don't have much of anything to call my own. I still have the sensibility to respect life lessons and cure. So am I joyful or crazy, sad, or bitter? You know the answer: COVID-19.
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