On Fear and Insecurities

During morning prayers sometimes, you would hear my mother clap. Once. Twice. Three times. Each clap was for a time she caught one of us asleep or dozing off. Oftentimes after these incidents, my father would lecture us on the importance of prayer in forming our future, and how we need it to order our future paths or else life may prove too difficult to handle. "I cannot help you forever", he would say. "One day, you will leave my house, and you will have to make your own decisions for your life. You cannot keep sleeping during prayer". I am already at that point, standing at the threshold of my forever and I am afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things; like cats, insects that crawl on their bellies, and the sound my feet make when they lift off of my wet flip flops. But most of all, I am afraid that my choices will either make or mar me for good. It is this fear that has kept me motionless, never venturing out to find the thing I love, never wanting any form of uncertainty. It is this fear that makes me hold on so strongly to the concept of dissatisfied stability. I have read all the self help books, or maybe not all of them, and they all talk about finding purpose and dedicating your life to the pursuit of the thing that you love and I wonder, what if you don't know what you want? What if what you want is a simple stable life and the uncertainty of purpose scares you? I want you to know that you are not alone, because there are a lot of us unsure, reluctant people, people who would rather settle for now, and there is nothing wrong with you. I still think about my future when I hear my mum clap, still get that feeling of trepidation like bugs in my stomach but I remind myself that it is okay to not know, it is okay to be unsure. Maybe one day.

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