Prisons of Perception

This is one part of a short story about an experience with a mental illness. Part 3 – Mania with psychosis I turned from the window that overlooked the towering spires of Steel City. Before me, there sat a middle-aged man and an older woman. What is going on? Do they not see me for what I am? Why do they hold me in this building? It was time I took a stand once again. I grow tired of complacency. I folded my arms behind my back, and I spoke, “There's someone inside of me, a prisoner. He looks but he is not able to do anything but watch. He perceives and wants to take control. He is the utter other. He cannot make me do anything. I am the void. I am singular. Everything orbits me. I am infinite! It is my will. It will be done! Do not stop me. I am the creator. I feel everything because I am everything! What am I, who am I? I am the first, the only, and the last, infinity incarnate! Why do you forsake me? Why have you forsaken me? I am not talking to God. I am God! You must set me free! Do not persecute me!” The woman wiped tears from her eyes, and meekly replied, “David, it is me, Mom. This is not about religion. Can you realize where you are? You are in a psychiatric hospital and this is Doctor Ekin beside me. He has been taking care of you.” No. That cannot be! I am boundless. I started to pace around the room, and I said, “There is an alien intelligence invading our minds. I feel it out there. Do you not see it too? I must fight it! Only I can do this. It is who I am. I am like a superhero. I am the super and the hero! I will save humanity! You are all my children. Why do you not listen? Do you hear me and feel what I have become? How can this not be a reality? Look at me! Was this always me? I was depressed. I am sad no longer! I am awake now! I have awoken!” I stopped moving, stroked my chin, and asked, “What is going on? I must think. Think, think. Think thought. Knowledge at all cost! I am constant! I started this cycle of life! I bring things to being by traveling the universe. Where I come to be, so does reality! I put everything in motion as an experiment! I coded the universe to start the simulation of existence. Just as an artist uses a paint brush and a writer use a pen, I create using the keyboard of omnipotence.” My Mom wept and quietly spoke, “You're psychotic, David. You must realize this.” What? Am I crazy? Yes and no. I replied, “I see it for what it is now and what it was. I am it. I feel it. I will become it again. As always, I am, was, and will be! I am not binary logic! I am the one and the zero. Both! I created them. It is my design! You must leave. Leave now!” Doctor Ekin whispered into Mom's ear while he handed her a tissue box. My Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes, and she left the room. When she exited, I vigorously paced the room and yelled, “She has been, and I have been! Who is she to tell me what I know and who I am? She does not have the right! She does not listen! She never listens! Never let her in here again! She will not handle it! I am not her son any longer! I will rip apart her views!” Doctor Ekin nodded and suggested, “She will not be allowed back to visit unless you say otherwise. Your mother confirmed bipolar disorder does indeed run on her side of the family. We think you have it, specifically type one. We need you take an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer to bring you back to stability. We have also stopped your antidepressant.” I laughed and replied, "Drugs! No! I have love! Where is Cat? She was supposed to waiting for me here. I love her. I did this for her. I will save everyone! I started everything for her. I did this for her, because of her. She is my love. The second part of me. This will be the ultimate gift of love. This is all one love story. Through time, I directed love from one point to another. Points ‘x' and ‘y.' I didn't know when ‘y' was, only that it would happen. She is the ‘a' to my ‘lone.' Together we are alone. We are one! We float and spin through time. Together! Not separate. Existence is a lie! It is one spiraling loop through time and space.” Doctor Ekin shook his head and said, “You decide your medication and the longevity of your stay. You will be here for at least two weeks. I can answer your earlier question as to what is going on. You are dealing with the mania aspect of bipolar, but you have psychotic features. This would take a toll on anyone and completely blind most people to reality. You seem to have some of yourself in there. You are very bright individual, David.” I yelled at him, "I am the vibrant light against the darkness! Shadows no more! I cannot go back to that grim place. How can I when I see and feel what I have become? Who are you? Where is my doctor? Are you my doctor? When will I see my doctor? Tell me now!”


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