Show me how to love. Part 1

‘When you hear the words I love you, what comes to mind? In my opinion, the words are meaningless unless proven otherwise with actions. If their actions don't match up to their words then what would you believe? I was quite young, around the age of 10, when this question first came to my mind, especially since I lived in that type of family situation for all of my childhood. I had picked up and noticed how, in many occasions, someone would say I love you but then you turn around and they would cause you harm, in ways that you don't always expect to happen. In most cases I would get punished for something I didn't do or was out of my control. They would come home at night after a day of work and my first thought would be are they angry? Why would a young child of 5 or 6 have to ask themselves if they're in a bad mood or angry, having to walk around on broken glass every time they would come home? Now I'm not saying that in every household this situation is the same, it isn't. This is just my experience coming from that background. I let those things happen because I wasn't strong enough to protect myself. I would think to myself, do they really love me? Do they truly think of me as their own? I remember those nights when I would sit and cry on my bed after they would come home in a rage ready to take it out on someone. I would hide my sisters in our room and wait for the screaming and yelling to stop before I stepped foot outside. Sometimes I would be unfortunate enough to be on the other side of those words, useless, worthless, you'll never amount to anything. In my head I heard those words repeated over and over again, until that's all I saw, all I heard. No matter how much physical pain I felt, those words inflicted more pain in me than I would of ever imagined. Having experienced that throughout my life was an eye opener. I never learned to trust, but when I did, I was always let down. There is goes again, useless, worthless, you'll never amount to anything.Tears spilled more frequently than not until I ran out of tears to spill. Every time I heard words fall out of their mouths, they were empty. No emotion, no truth, no reality. When people would speak to me their words had no meaning because of the look in their eyes and how they judged me like I was nothing but trash in their way. So when I heard I love you's they meant nothing, empty words just like empty promises. As I got older of course words kept being the same and eyes never changed. I've learned to read into emotions, actions, pinpoint the real meaning behind their words. I've taken care of myself so that others won't have to. That's what made me who I am today. I'm not the only one who has been through this, and I'm certainly not the last one either. Have open ears and open hearts, listen to the silent cries that seep out in every moment of their lives.' “That was quite a story, how long did all that last?” the interviewer's eyes shining in curiosity as she egged Melanie on to speak more of her experience. With a curt smile she proceeded with a nod. “Well, it lasted until I turned 16, after that I rarely talked and didn't really entertain them with my reactions. I went to school, hung out with my friends and then went home straight to my room. Normally I rarely spoke to them only curt responses to their questions.”

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Bernard Jan

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