Where should I even start? I honestly don't know. It is not easy to put all the emotions, thoughts, worries and reactions I've had in the latest months into a couple of sentences. I guess it would be fair to say that this whole year was a mess and is still showing us how it is different (chaotic) than other years in the weirdest ways possible. I have always been an introvert, spending majority of my time at home is not a problem for me like it is for some people. However, during the first weeks of quarantine, it has been a complete disaster for me and I felt so bad because of many reasons. First of all, I realized that it is much more different than staying at home by your own choice and since you're not allowed to go out it simply puts more pressure on you. Also the ambiguity of the situation and the disease causing many deaths all around the world have made me worried like the rest of the people. I couldn't find the energy to do ‘productive' things and use the quarantine time efficiently like all influencers on social media have promoted. The ‘look on the bright side' motto hasn't worked out for me, especially in the beginning. I needed to sit down and feel whatever I had to feel without suppressing any emotion because acting like nothing has changed could have made me go insane. Talking to my friends and family members really helped me to rearrange my mindset, at least I've known that I wasn't alone and sharing experiences and thoughts made me feel a bit better. Not checking up on news every single day has helped me too because I knew that there is nothing I can do to end the pandemic, only things I can do are taking precautions, following the community health laws and boosting immune system by consuming healthy. After getting over the first weeks, I became more used to the situation and surprisingly okay with the fact that I haven't seen any of my friends since march. Even though the quarantine process is not as strict as it was before, I still think it's necessary to stay inside or go to more isolated places since the pandemic is not over (while wearing mask of course). I was missing my friends so much at first, I still miss them but right now I'm okay with being alone and not going out. Maybe this has something to do with my personality, I like spending time by myself, but I also feel like I found my inner peace and let go of trying to control what's happening around me. I can't change certain things so why not adopt to them in my own way? Not by other people telling me how should I spend my spare time and be ‘productive', but by freeing myself to do whatever I want I slightly become happier each day. Although I still have bad days and get moody sometimes, I am pleased with the way I chose to get through these days. I read, I listen to music that I like, watch videos and chat with friends, distance myself from all the toxic contents. I also stopped comparing what I do to other people's activities and their way of handling things since everyone copes with issues differently. This gave me such a relief, that I don't have to please anyone and don't have to be ‘ideal', and allowed me to enjoy my time more. During this process, I also noticed that we have lots of things to be grateful for yet we don't express our gratitude enough. Social interactions, going to a place without considering safety risks, school experiences, clean and fresh air,… most importantly health. Not going to mention how earth cleaned itself a bit, air and water pollution has decreased as seen in photos, with most of the human population staying inside the nature has popped its beauty out. Even a lot of people prefer not to care, the world doesn't only belong to us and we share our home with other species. This means we are responsible for the damage we cause and should consider the outcomes of our actions more. Not just specifically from the environmental aspect, but the social and cultural aspect too. Rather than spreading hate and being discriminative, we should aspire to be more embracing and kind because this pandemic also showed we need each other more than we thought. If we fill ourselves with love and treat people with the love we carry inside, it will spread across communities and without even noticing we may inspire lots of people and contribute to well-being of earth both physically and socially. As cliche as it sounds, it is so accurate that we can be the change we want to see in the world by altering our behaviours.

When you truly love someone, it becomes almost impossible to notice the red flags. You ignore all the bad situations and make excuses for them. As long as they tell you that they love you, it is okay to get sad and vulnerable because of their actions. When you feel insecure, it is not because of what they've said before but because you're overreacting. When they make you feel unwanted or unacceptable, you start questioning yourself too because they can't do wrong in your eyes. Even if they do, they deserve to be forgiven. You somehow can't replace them and you actually believe in this nonsense as well as making them believe it too. That's how they become more full of theirselves and know that the other person can't just brush them off. This allows them to have huge egos at the end of the day. They put you in a place which you feel constantly trying and never being enough, almost as in a road with no ending. You become exhausted but you also can't get over the feelings you have for them. You can't simply put aside all the drama that has been going on and can't burn all the bridges between you and them. It takes a lot of effort and courage to finally giving up. Giving up the person who was misleading you all the way to that point. The person who has made you feel not good enough multiple of times and the person who should be accused of not just his/her words but also his/her actions. It's not a simple 'I love you' that is going to solve anything, the actions need to speak for themselves too. You need to trust them since love is not capable to fill the void of trust. Trust is as essential as love and you need to have it too in order to maintain a good, healthy relationship. You should value yourself as well as making them feel valued. You need to protect the love you're giving to yourself because it can't be given by any other person and that's a fact. Once you stop caring about yourself, it's over for you. The other person can give any damage to you at that point. It's also crucial to direct your love to the things which actually deserve your love, not things you want to love. Wanting something doesn't always mean it's good for you. You may not see the bad side of things so it's beneficial to leave some space for you to handle things and not completely be open about it while you're analyzing what's going on. This means you shouldn't be talking to the person 7/24 who is the cause of the dilemma, you will eventually be convinced by them in the way they like it to be. You should be aware of what's happening and sometimes let the mind have a say in the situation rather than feelings. A clever decision is required when the person who hurt you more than a time is the case. You may still forgive them but forgetting what they've done before can be dangerous. Another point is that, when you miss something it doesn't always mean you should go and get that thing. Sometimes you should allow yourself to miss it until the day you stop thinking about it. Maybe the things you miss are just the delusions of your own mind that wishes everything to turned out to be different. You can't change the reality. The greatest thing about mind is that when you actually stop and listen for a second, it gives you the real answer you don't wanna hear about. Another aspect is, the right person would not get you into that much of a conflict anyway. You just know he/she is the one both in your mind and heart at once. Overall the most important thing is to remember yourself during this chaos of feelings and the debate of right and wrong. Because the most precise right choice ever is putting yourself first and showing love to yourself. Knowing that you're more than enough at any situation and anyone's good or bad acquisition of you will not determine the real version of you, it's you who decide to choose what you want to be. You are precious with or without that person's opinion, you are an individual with unique characteristics and hopes and dreams and interests and memories. Nothing, not a single soul has enough power to beat the energy you have. Once you discover how beautiful you are, regardless of the things will happen and will be said in the future, everything will fall into place. You will attract the good and the path for the right to come into your life will be made already.

Please don't tell me I'm your friend Because I love you And I hate Every single piece of feeling I have inside me Reminding me of you All thoughts stemming from you All my weaknesses And tears They belong to you And only you That makes me feel this way Not a single day goes by Without connecting Without thinking Without wanting Without shouting and expressing and loving Just because I can't be with you My dear -friend- You are so lucky you have your loved one Besides you Who secretly admires you For who you are and who you are not For your impatience, your bad sides Your not enough's are my favourite clichés I love smiling when I'm talking to you I miss you And I miss you even more when You say you want to see me too And I hope one day You realize the color of my eyes You look deeply in them and let go of All the could have been's All the possibilities fading away All the unwanteds and unnecessaries And feel just my love for you The words I hold for a very long time Waiting to come out of my mouth Just because it is never the right time I want you to say them That's all it takes For me and you to be the endgame It's your turn To finally admit it was about time And I want you To tell me the long waiting is done Now it's just the two of us In the very brightful morning shine Staring at each other I want you to forget all your past mistakes Your past personalities don't matter Your past acquaintances Let them go Remember me And your hand holding mine tightly As we watch the beautiful sky Ready for the most beautiful story Starring you and I

Today, I will be sharing a story about my 3-months-best-friend who you may have also known from my previous writing 'A Bittersweet Letter To My Sherlock'. He used to be my crush for a very short amount of time since I misinterpreted my feelings towards him. I genuinely thought he liked me and I took a risk and told him every single piece of thought going through my mind without filtering anything, I opened up about my feelings. It was a mistake but maybe it was not cause now we are so close and tell each other every detail ongoing in our lives and today, he just told me that I'm his bestest friend. I felt honored. And sad. Somehow, I am deeply sad. It's actually funny for me to feel that way because I was so sure about being friends with him, I really enjoy his presence and his friendship and I wanted it so badly to continue this way. Apparently, I was not as satisfied or happy as I thought. Especially today, when he mentioned me as his best friend and told me how perfect I am and the way he showed his appreciation towards me through messages and stickers, it broke some pieces inside me. I was shocked by myself cause I HAD TO be happy with what he said. To be honest, I became a little happy but what I felt in reality had much more in it than pure happiness. I still feel the hole inside me after I heard the words 'best friend' and the worst part is I know this situation is not even worthy of thought. I know exactly where we stand and where should we be standing in the future. I know he is never going to see me as what I see him as now because for him, this is the best stage of a relationship between me and him. There is no further scenarios nor theories, no other feelings except the friendly ones. Even if he does feel something, I know he is going to throw it away like nothing cause that's what he had done in our very first talking. He told me I was so good but that we didn't belong to each other, these were his own, sincere words. Nothing changed as I see. I gave myself a promise that I would no longer get into this kind of mess and I'm going to hold onto my word. It's not going to be easy pretending I'm not that sad everytime he mentions a girl he meets, it is never going to be easy to think how we could have ended up differently and it is going to hurt so badly when he will soon find the girl he's constantly looking for right next to me. I will feel so happy for him because that's what gonna make him feel completed and what is going to lead him to final happiness of his. Because that's what friends do. And I'm his best friend.

It is funny how one day someone is all over you and the next day the affection is gone. You are alone with yourself thinking what you have done wrong, what caused that situation, what is the matter.. All blame is unexceptionally on you. You never give a break on yourself, the problem must be something connected to you somehow. You become sad, and when you ask about it and get the answer 'Nothing.' it makes you even sadder. Now you are just sitting and waiting and hoping that everything will be fine soon. It is tiring to wait though, because the answer is just right there at the person in front of you, yet you still can't get it since he doesn't want to tell or can't explain it through words. You try your best to cheer that person up, you just try to get everything back to normal. The affection you used to get, that is all you want. The hugs and kisses and sincere love words and holding hands and passion.. Suddenly all of them are gone for nothing. Or because of something you will never ever know. You can ask yourself a lot of questions in order to understand the situation but instead you'll become more confused and sad than before. It should be that person to tell you what is wrong and why he/she is treating you that way, that person should come up with some explanations. Because even if you make up scenarios in your head, it is a high possibility that it won't really match the reality. Telling yourself positively that it is going to be okay only makes it worse because you may be lying to yourself without even knowing. Maybe everything is actually undoubtedly bad and you are just wasting your time over some Polyanna crap. No. What should you do then? Just let it go. Let the bitter thought of 'Everything has changed.' slide to your mind and by that, you can finally confess to yourself how you are so devastated. Feel the sadness, don't suppress it. Spread out your anger and just let go of all the negativity inside you that has been eating you up. Give yourself permission to feel the loneliness, listen to your inner voice until it shuts up. Then it will all lead you to the most comforting silent you've ever experienced. You will be okay, not because everything is going to be okay, just because you are going to be ready to handle them. You are going to solve your problems by your own and it is going to feel great, I promise you. Because there is nothing more satisfying in this world than to know how you are so capable and strong to achieve things. Never forget how you survived yesterday or the day you felt like shit two years ago. It's you, it was all you. And it is always going to be you.