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I love writing so much and I really want to improve myself on it day by day. The reason behind why I'm writing is totally instinctive, I feel like I should write and let people know what my thoughts are on and also I'd like to effect someone else's life in a better way with my words. I believe there is magic in writing and there is much more in expressing yourself through letters than using talking. To whoever reading this; welcome to my page that slowly becoming my world. Enjoy it.
Please don't tell me I'm your friend Because I love you And I hate Every single piece of feeling I have inside me Reminding me of you All thoughts stemming from you All my weaknesses And tears They belong to you And only you That makes me feel this way Not a single day goes by Without connecting Without thinking Without wanting Without shouting and expressing and loving Just because I can't be with you My dear -friend- You are so lucky you have your loved one Besides you Who secretly admires you For who you are and who you are not For your impatience, your bad sides Your not enough's are my favourite clichés I love smiling when I'm talking to you I miss you And I miss you even more when You say you want to see me too And I hope one day You realize the color of my eyes You look deeply in them and let go of All the could have been's All the possibilities fading away All the unwanteds and unnecessaries And feel just my love for you The words I hold for a very long time Waiting to come out of my mouth Just because it is never the right time I want you to say them That's all it takes For me and you to be the endgame It's your turn To finally admit it was about time And I want you To tell me the long waiting is done Now it's just the two of us In the very brightful morning shine Staring at each other I want you to forget all your past mistakes Your past personalities don't matter Your past acquaintances Let them go Remember me And your hand holding mine tightly As we watch the beautiful sky Ready for the most beautiful story Starring you and I
Today, I will be sharing a story about my 3-months-best-friend who you may have also known from my previous writing 'A Bittersweet Letter To My Sherlock'. He used to be my crush for a very short amount of time since I misinterpreted my feelings towards him. I genuinely thought he liked me and I took a risk and told him every single piece of thought going through my mind without filtering anything, I opened up about my feelings. It was a mistake but maybe it was not cause now we are so close and tell each other every detail ongoing in our lives and today, he just told me that I'm his bestest friend. I felt honored. And sad. Somehow, I am deeply sad. It's actually funny for me to feel that way because I was so sure about being friends with him, I really enjoy his presence and his friendship and I wanted it so badly to continue this way. Apparently, I was not as satisfied or happy as I thought. Especially today, when he mentioned me as his best friend and told me how perfect I am and the way he showed his appreciation towards me through messages and stickers, it broke some pieces inside me. I was shocked by myself cause I HAD TO be happy with what he said. To be honest, I became a little happy but what I felt in reality had much more in it than pure happiness. I still feel the hole inside me after I heard the words 'best friend' and the worst part is I know this situation is not even worthy of thought. I know exactly where we stand and where should we be standing in the future. I know he is never going to see me as what I see him as now because for him, this is the best stage of a relationship between me and him. There is no further scenarios nor theories, no other feelings except the friendly ones. Even if he does feel something, I know he is going to throw it away like nothing cause that's what he had done in our very first talking. He told me I was so good but that we didn't belong to each other, these were his own, sincere words. Nothing changed as I see. I gave myself a promise that I would no longer get into this kind of mess and I'm going to hold onto my word. It's not going to be easy pretending I'm not that sad everytime he mentions a girl he meets, it is never going to be easy to think how we could have ended up differently and it is going to hurt so badly when he will soon find the girl he's constantly looking for right next to me. I will feel so happy for him because that's what gonna make him feel completed and what is going to lead him to final happiness of his. Because that's what friends do. And I'm his best friend.
It is funny how one day someone is all over you and the next day the affection is gone. You are alone with yourself thinking what you have done wrong, what caused that situation, what is the matter.. All blame is unexceptionally on you. You never give a break on yourself, the problem must be something connected to you somehow. You become sad, and when you ask about it and get the answer 'Nothing.' it makes you even sadder. Now you are just sitting and waiting and hoping that everything will be fine soon. It is tiring to wait though, because the answer is just right there at the person in front of you, yet you still can't get it since he doesn't want to tell or can't explain it through words. You try your best to cheer that person up, you just try to get everything back to normal. The affection you used to get, that is all you want. The hugs and kisses and sincere love words and holding hands and passion.. Suddenly all of them are gone for nothing. Or because of something you will never ever know. You can ask yourself a lot of questions in order to understand the situation but instead you'll become more confused and sad than before. It should be that person to tell you what is wrong and why he/she is treating you that way, that person should come up with some explanations. Because even if you make up scenarios in your head, it is a high possibility that it won't really match the reality. Telling yourself positively that it is going to be okay only makes it worse because you may be lying to yourself without even knowing. Maybe everything is actually undoubtedly bad and you are just wasting your time over some Polyanna crap. No. What should you do then? Just let it go. Let the bitter thought of 'Everything has changed.' slide to your mind and by that, you can finally confess to yourself how you are so devastated. Feel the sadness, don't suppress it. Spread out your anger and just let go of all the negativity inside you that has been eating you up. Give yourself permission to feel the loneliness, listen to your inner voice until it shuts up. Then it will all lead you to the most comforting silent you've ever experienced. You will be okay, not because everything is going to be okay, just because you are going to be ready to handle them. You are going to solve your problems by your own and it is going to feel great, I promise you. Because there is nothing more satisfying in this world than to know how you are so capable and strong to achieve things. Never forget how you survived yesterday or the day you felt like shit two years ago. It's you, it was all you. And it is always going to be you.
I am surrounded by lots of people, yet I am a very lonely person. What do I mean by that? Let me explain. Imagine you have lots of colorful pens and you want to draw a picture, you want to create something spectacular. You try each of them but neither of them contributes to that one single drawing you want to make. They are all pretty and unique in their own way but don't help that much on you to enhance your drawing. You end up getting a lovely picture but not a very special one. Because all the pens you use are pretty similar to each other and doesn't match the ideal coloring you want to see on your paper. You create art but it doesn't satisfy you the way it should be. It is a similar situation I encounter with people. Like the pens, people are all different and may all be distinguished from each other by a variety of specialties but they don't help me to get through life, they are only here for today and sometimes they are not even there for me. They are not in the big picture, they assume me as some kind of a safe place to go and some sort of friend who they can always rely on and trust no matter what. I am such a great friend; keeping secrets, checking up to see if they are okay when I am actually not doing well myself, giving advices, encouraging them for their goals, making time for their countless problems and solving sessions, being happy with them and getting depressed with them. Sometimes I can't even feel like myself, I become a shadow of the person I am willing to help. This is killing me and the sad part is, I am well aware of that however I do nothing to fix it. I just watch how I get drowned every single day instead. Having friends doesn't mean you are social. Getting too much likes and comments on your posts only make you happy for a few seconds, then they are all gone. Chatting through messages doesn't help you to become more confident, it just confines you into a big deep hole. You can't get to know people through social media. You can only see a much better version of them which is a plastic and unreal coverage. They wanted to be approved so badly that they almost become strangers to theirselves. In conclusion of all of these, it saddens me to see that the amount of time I'm wasting on people equals to my lifetime I should have been spending on myself. It saddens me even more when people just take it for granted and start behaving like I owe them my time. I owe nothing to anyone but myself. I owe myself self appreciation and love for what I did for people. Because I could be a douche just like some of the people around me and didn't care about anything if it did not affect me in some way. But instead, I chose to be kind and lonely. I realized it had much more in it than to be a self-centered person. And for that, I'm proud of myself. I finally noticed that the art I create with pens is just a vision and the idea behind the drawing is much more meaningful than the drawing itself. So the people who come and go in my life are just the visitors of my exhibition and the real artist is me for giving them the chance to look at it. Being lonely is not bad when you know your own worth. In case it is a good thing for opening up spaces for you to come along and take a look at what you've done, it helps you to see you, to be more you. I recommend every single person to take a step back and see what they are capable of. Because once you see, you are going to start looking for no pens to create your drawing; you are only going to use your own colors and this will be enough.
To the dearest person that I dedicate this letter to, When I found you, I was lost and captivated by the thought of someone loving me completely besides my family. I was so caught up in my dreams that I excessively forgot what you might have in your mind, your expectations, your thoughts and else. I was ready, I was fully ready to open my heart to someone which I thought might be a good idea cause you were so perfect to me. Even though we haven't met face to face, I could feel your messages were genuinely kind and caring and helpful. You really cared about me at some point. Maybe you still do. So I figured that, maybe yeah, this guy can fix all my problems and make me the person who I want to be hopelessly, can treat me well, love me without conditions, make me happy no matter what. I believed in such a romantic scenario and I really wanted to make it happen so I took a risk. I told you everything. Everything from the bottom of my heart, how you made me feel and how I loved it, how I told about you to my friends and said that you were so wonderful which they all agreed. You were that guy girls would love to spend time with, even to date with. I wanted you although there were lots of impossibilities and nonsense and it would definitely be more mindful to act the opposite way-giving up on you and moving on-. I -for once in my life- told someone I liked him. You were that person. You were shocked and were in disbelief somehow. The funny part is that you flirted me all the way long and got me to the point which I thought it was a mutual feeling. I thought you were going to jump on the idea of being with me, that you were going to take a risk and even though you failed at your former relationships, I thought you were going to try a new one. With me. Well, I was wrong. I misunderstood all the signals or maybe I didn't, but you were too scared to be with me. You weren't ready when I was ready. You weren't honest with me when I was honest with you. But I don't blame you for running away, I only blame myself for getting too much into this mess. I blame myself for what I did and wish I could turn back time and took all I've said. You were happy though. You were happy because I shared what I felt. You didn't understand me, not even a bit. You were still kind and I'm never ever taking that for granted no matter what happened, you still are a really nice guy. I just wish you were a bit more open to me. You made excuses. You said you don't see yourself anywhere in near future, that you may mistreat me, also you said your girlfriends cheated on you, that you are not the type of guy to be in relationships and all the other things that completely irrelevant from the situation we were in. You tried to make me believe in some nonsense of how good I am for you. You were so typical, so predictable, I hated it. I hated I was the only one trying to achieve some things. I hated you were scared and even though you said you didn't wanna lose me, you lost me with your words. I hated I liked you but you didn't like me enough. Now, my only wish for you is to find your way. This way doesn't include me and it's okay. You know I'm done already. I wish you all the good things in life and hope you become more brave in future and it would be great if you tell all the things in your mind directly to people instead of waiting for them to come to you. You have some goals but you need some confidence if you want to achieve them. That's all I can say. Oh and also, sorry for assuming you as some kind of hero? You were not even close to that. You were just a dear friend whom I spent my time chatting. You made me realize how strong and capable I am, that I'm the only person who can make myself feel better about myself. At the end of the day, I cried but I was free. I freed myself. I let go of everything. My look, my hair, my height, my face, my smile, my feelings, my body, my insecurities and my mistakes are all mine and I didn't need you to like them anyway. I don't have to suit your expectations. I can only be better for myself and nothing more. So thank you mate, you made me cry myself to sleep, made me feel vulnerable and sad only to make me come in my senses. I figured how much power I had as once a singer said 'I learnt who I was and I loved what I found'. No actually you know what? You didn't lose me, we are still friends. You can stop complaining now :) Sincerely, "Watson"