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Ekiz. art

Love to share life experiences in writing, I do portrait art

Owerri, Nigeria

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I am Christiana, a graphite / charcoal artist/entrepreneur, a writer and a student of web designing.

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LOUD SOLITUDE

Jul 31, 2020 4 months ago

I have lived to love and cherish private moments, I term it “the revealing moment”, and I find my inner and productive strength here. But often times, I try to understand if I actually cherish this moment or if this is actually the world I find peace, probably I was only irritated by the noises and worries from my surrounding. I have always chosen to tell my story. Being a young lady, I had always desired to associate with people and like minds. But often times I noticed I still preferred private moments, this was just me. I could always think things through, imagine images to sketch on my board, pen down words from life experiences and I thought to myself, oh! It will always be an enjoyable moment, not until the entire world was sent into an inactive mode, everything happening swiftly all of a sudden, Paused!. I could literally hear the sound of a pin dropped, the world seemed to go quiet, indeed it was a loud silence. Days passed, weeks, months, and the moment I once cherished faded away. Shouldn't I pen down some words?, no, the sheets will be filled with lonely words, how about I make some sketches, I had remembered it was the last sketch paper. Perhaps the silence will end soon. I would experience quick mood swings, insomnia, loss of interest, anxiety, general discontent, and oh! I was losing weight. I feared the fact that I was losing my mind, even in my solitude there were still fears, worries and chaos, was I going to fall sick?, I could feel my feet go cold often times, I never wanted to be counted as “sick during the COVID-19 pandemic”, perhaps it was just a flu, but no I hadn't fever, internal cold, running nose, neither did I experience any of the COVID symptoms, I worried anyway, that all this should just end, I desired to make an image of what my world looks like in my head, but no, I feared this won't make sense, confused, I abandoned my darling graphite and charcoal sticks and rejected my eraser. Thoughts, pictures, moments lived in my head like falling men who couldn't help but drown, perhaps I wasn't shown love, perhaps I was depressed, perhaps I was ignored, perhaps I was perplexed, and maybe I was scared of life after the lockdown. I felt it was a gender related issue, I thought to run to her whom I shared same gender with and who will definitely understand and probably provide solutions, but I remembered she had earlier made me preferred my private moments. Yes, she is my mum, before now we had a misunderstanding, she had used some words on me I didn't like and when I tried to express my feelings, it became a moment of disagreement and grr! It was a face-off. This has always happened every time I tried to express myself, could it be I wasn't doing it the right way, or maybe she hadn't realized I have become a woman or possibly she can't just understand me, or maybe we are just two different humans with different perspectives of life and totally different choices. I feared to accept this, but it was the truth, we were not getting along so well. Nevertheless, family is everything, I shared my experiences with my younger brother, he would laugh so hard, aren't you sick? he would tease me, or have you began to hallucinate? He seemed not to notice any sick signs on my face, I looked perfectly well to him, I had gained weight from his observation. It was then I understood it was all in my head. I tried to enjoy the moments of his company, we would crack jokes, dance to music, surf the net, play games, I felt relieved and lit up. Every moment was fun, we invested in some online businesses and tried to make cool cash, he was doing well, but I wasn't getting the tricks. I was into digital and offline marketing anyway, but I couldn't make sales, I was out of stock. Solitude still found me after all, I was all trapped in my room again, the urge to see the outside world had become so intense, but no, everyone was scared to come out, everyone was scared of being a victim of the deadly virus. I was alone; I could hear voices in my head saying “Create the image now”! Pen down some words! It became loud and even louder as I tried to ignore them. I picked up my sketch board, placed on my aisle, picked my darling graphite stick and was finally going to express myself in my work. The excitement stirred in and gradually grew as I could clearly see the image in my head, finally I was going to be proud of my self. It was just at this moment my younger brother dashed into my room in excitement for his increased wallet points, just then I heard a big bang on the ground, it was my sketch board broken into two, lying on the ground. I could feel the little men in my head jumping even faster into the sea and drowning. Wasn't this the best moment to create an image of my world?. I picked up a half of my sketch board anyway and alas! I let my imagination and darling graphite lead. In the end, I was fulfilled, I had conquered my fears in my anger.

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