Dear Dad

Dear Dad, I often wonder if it's weird to miss someone you've never truly met. You were gone before I had the chance to crawl to your feet and grab hold of your leg. Before I had the chance to labor through saying the words "da-da". I wonder did you cheer me on from way up there when I scored goals in soccer or when I had my first kiss? I know I've messed up countless times but have you forgiven me? I wonder if you're proud of the man I've become. The person I am today. A while back during probably the darkest part of my life, someone said to me. "You are the way you are because you grew up without a father." I wanted to punch him, scream at him, tell him he was wrong. I wanted to tell him to try walking a mile in my mother's shoes. To suddenly lose your soulmate with one late night knock on the door. That he'd collapse within steps from the weight..but what was the point? I was the way I was because I was lost, and that was nobodies fault but my own. I just want you to know, I did have father figures and good role models, that taught me right from wrong, but they came in the form of my mom, uncles, aunts and grandparents. I can take a piece of each of your amazing brothers and wonderful sister and put them together to see you. To know the incredible person you were. Your mother and father were always there for me unconditionally along with my mother's parents. I just want you to know how much my mother misses you. She's brave and tough as nails but there's a sadness in her eyes when we talk about you; when she's sees you in me. Almost an acceptance that she'll never have, with anyone, what you two shared and that always makes me sad. She always told me if I wanted to know where you were, to just look for the brightest star in the sky. I would go out at night and find you, picturing you soaring around in your jet, watching over us all and smiling. Lastly I want you to know, I'm proud to be your son and I hope you're proud to be my father. We will meet again someday and you can tell me all those little things a dad's supposed to tell his son. Hopefully I'll already know them by then but I'll still sit and listen and cherish every second. I miss you. -Ryan

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