Fading to Emerging

Ever since thoughts started developing in me, I often wondered about my worth in this world; sometimes in people's actions and sometimes in their words, sometimes in the silence and sometimes in the herds. I traveled far across from the ocean of thoughts, leaving the footprints of my fading stories to find answer to the question, “What's my worth?”, I whispered to my heart but it was uninterested to answer me like none was interested in me. Fading got familiar to me since my childhood. As a child, I was always obedient to my parents' decision of sending me school, never arguing. I wanted to say them, “I don't want to be there. I miss home.” but my voice faded and my choice faded with it too. I was convinced that you get to make a lot of friends in school, and school life is the best part of our life. However, I always ended up with one or hardly two friends. Even though my friend circle was very small, they still didn't know me like I didn't know myself. I just knew I was not okay with the normality they called it ‘Normal'. If so am I abnormal to think beyond the stereotypes set by the so called normal people? I was to find out answer to my only one question but they started piling up with my age until now I realized my worth. After school, I joined high school as normal. I was bounded with all sorts of protection since my childhood. I didn't know what criticism meant until once I got trapped in the hole, hollow enough to be loaded with all sorts of the negativity I never discovered in my life. People made judgments from how you look to how you dress yourself up and from how you thought to how you actually behaved. I didn't know how I am supposed to behave with different types of judgments of different kinds of people. I only knew the language of kindness. I suddenly felt like I didn't know the world but yet, persistent with my perspective towards the world. I then took a reverse turn to my life to observe and analyze them once again but with more speculations this time. I thought this way: People weren't really interested in me like I wasn't interested in their lives. When children were struggling to go to school, I went regularly like I had no problem with it. I had learnt to sacrifice for the thing that's important in very early age of my life. When people were busy making judgments, I was mending myself to be stronger than I was. When people didn't really have thoughts, I was thinking of defining my worth. “I was definitely worth it.”, I told myself for the first time. And since that first time, it has been every time to believe, praise and tell myself that ‘I am worth it.' I was searching for my worth all around the world with people's judgments surrounding while it was within me like they say, “I was a fruit searching for a seed outside of it when it was within me.”

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