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Sadiq Hussain Midday

Video Journalist | Cinematographer | Documentary Filmmaker

Kolkata, India

The Worst and The Best (Combination)... Now, use your Imagination, make a character-sketch in your mind... And I'd love to hear from you...

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Aberration of Depression…

Jul 16, 2020 3 months ago

People suffering from depression are not attention seekers… I'm embarrassed for writing this… Depression is a feeling of something lost, having no clue about it... What's lost? Is ‘yourself'… I can't recognize myself any-more… Mother Teresa said, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved”… People are wrong, most people think depression is sadness, depression is crying... Blah Blah and Blah…... Feeling worthless, hopeless... Being numb... Being numb to emotions, being numb to life… Every-time I go to sleep I think about graves and when I woke and I wish hadn't… Always trying to conceal the sounds that leave my room, I don't want anyone to hear… Oh Allah, Oh my God please I don't want to live any more... I feel left alone… I feel broken... An unknown side… The darkness inside comes nowhere… When you're depressed, A darker part which is revealing itself and taking over… I'm tired means badly exhausted, resting doesn't help... Sleep isn't sleep any-more… Feeling void, hollow and heavy and dead on the inside, unable to remember what it feels like, the feeling of an emotional connection with another person… Depression is not only sadness, but it's also much more… This depression leads to a fear of being considered “weak.” Appearing happy to others, literally smiling and inside suffering… Pretending you're ‘Okay'… Smiling often goes undetected… You cry out for help, but no-one knows how to help you… Far away from home and jobless… Killing hundreds of thousands of dreams… And still killing even the smallest dream… Having great food, everything is fine and also in terms of relations… Still, Depression exists… Initially, sensing about going through what?, the worst... when I woke, I lay down on the floor 24x7 and stay there... I spent time with my phone… My hopes have all slowly faded away… For hours I don't want to talk to anyone, I keep lying on the floor as long as I want... With this messy hair and this T-shirt and Shorts... I don't like watching my face in mirror… I don't like it, I don't feel like going outside and doing something… It always sucks, I don't feel like talking to people… Thousands of problems going inside... Sharing problems will not benefit as people say, you'll feel easy/calm… I'll still be the same… Tried everything to stay calm and I keep fixing myself pieces by pieces… The questions inside, always haunting and then it just hit me... I couldn't help it, but I overthink why it happens to me, why me?… I guess it's not something you can control... Can't control feelings… Time runs and ruins very fast… Motivation? No that's not helping… We all have different stories to tell… Believe, it's getting very difficult… A person with tears tells a different story… That person, previous one is gone… The changes… Asking repeatedly what's wrong?… Everyone feels sad at some point or another… Depression or feeling sad is normal… People say, Don't worry, trust Allah/God… This is just a phase… You'll get over this… Be thankful for your life… You're not dying… But I feel like I am, why can't anyone understand? I'm trying over and over again... And if something was up, I'd have done it… Loneliness, anxiety, unworthy it's just your darkest side… It always hurts like no one ever will… I feel totally empty and found myself been sucked into a black hole… I feel crushed, I didn't have a better explanation… Deepest darkness includes depression, anxiety, low self-esteem trying to find answers like why me, why I lack in everything… Why I'm struggling so much… I'm really low... Like getting out of my bed or doing anything is my win for the day… I doubt myself, I feel anger and frustration... It's not a problem to feel fear, self-doubt, anger or frustration… These are just feelings and they come up… All the time, Feeling only pain, and none of it makes sense… I can't help it… No one can't see what it destroys, but it's killing slowly inside me… Almost everyone says that and remember communication is the key to anything… Nowadays people say only about their side, no one listens properly and even not understand a bit… Very little is known to people's understanding of depression and their feelings… I hope the story and insight in this gave you some healthy perspective… Let these experiences either motivate you or telling yourself positive things, it will help you build positive thinking and motivates you to not get these things to win your mind… People ask, “How are you doing?” But what they mean is, “Are you over it yet?” Depression feels like intense pain and can't be identified in any part of the body… No one seems to understand or care… “Why do you feel this way?” When it comes to Depression it's not the important or valid question. The most important question must be “What can I do to support you?” In the End… It's only you…

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